Текст книги "Plays for 1, 2 people. Collection №3"

The play «Unreal dickhead»

Dramatic Comedy for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

ACTOR

GAVRILA is not the luckiest person, to put it mildly, who, as he communicates with the audience, reveals the most dangerous mistakes in his life, those mistakes that are inherent in 99% of people. Male about 40 years old.

ACT ONE

1. GAVRILA'S APARTMENT

Uncomfortable bachelor apartment. Pretty poor environment. Small table. There's a dirty teapot on it. Cup. Almost empty coffee can, sugar bowl. An old wardrobe, a Cabinet with open drawers that do not close, from which crumpled things stick out. A chiffonier with a sagging door that holds on to its last breath. The old sagging bed is supported by a stack of books instead of one leg. The bed is unmade. On the floor is a crumpled "drunk t-shirt", a sock is lying, of course, one. Everything is piled up on the furniture and in every corner. Cutlery, glasses, plates, forks. Beside the bed is a saucer with the remains of dried fish and an empty beer bottle.

Gavrila runs into the apartment screaming. First, there is the cry, and then his carrier.

GAVRILA: AAAAAAAAAAA! NO! NO!! NO!!! This can't be happening, I don't believe it! Once again on the same rake. Well, it should have worked! After all, once you must be lucky!

Casually throws some tickets around.

GAVRILA: that Chubais with vouchers warmed up, then Mavrodi with their crazy interest rates. And twice and both times me! And so… state all-Russian lottery! Everyone wins. Everything! (to the audience)Here, watch it on TV. He won the car, the apartment. Those who went on a trip on the won vouchers, these broke the cash jackpot! Well, everyone… (irritated) everyone wins. Alone, I fly like plywood over Paris all the time. I'm probably the only one in the whole country who invested everywhere and lost everywhere. I, Gavrila Sergeyevich Mindryuchikov, a law-abiding, God-Fearing person everywhere as if I didn't sew a sleeve to anything…

walks across the stage to the far corner, looks from there indignantly, remembering something.

GAVRILA: Alyosha, the neighbor's boy! I took part in the contest only once. I went to the dacha in need, picked up a newspaper as usual, but while I was sitting there, I had nothing to do. Well, so I read there that, they say, a lottery, cut out the coupon, send it to such and such an address. Well, he cut it out, sent it, won the camera. True, almost no one uses them anymore, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you won. Immediately! Do you understand? And I have already tried everything, and cut out Newspapers and bought tickets at kiosks and at the post office, and spat over my left shoulder and circled the tickets around my right leg seven times (shows). I've already devoured so much waste paper while I was diluting my desires in champagne to the sound of chimes! (pauses)

I have a niece, fifteen years old. In the lottery already, that just did not win. Wrist watch! Phone – smartphone new-fangled! Laptop! (waving her hand) I didn't win anything… (laughs mockingly, but then adds seriously) She's one of my consolations…

Goes to another part of the stage

GAVRILA: or here is Ilyich, a neighbor in the garage. Fool for fool. Complete, simple, incompetent. Nothingness. My ex-boyfriend. We were homeless together. Ah kaaaaak bum, as all, from payday until payday. They survived in General. And then on! The inheritance gets. In Kazakhstan, his uncle was a big man. He didn't know about it himself. He doesn't have any children. I left everything to this idiot. So he, Ilyich, bought nineteen apartments for himself. Nineteen! Isn't he a fool? A complete idiot. (Pause) True, now he rents them all, gets something like three hundred thousand a month, or more… he left the factory. Of course, why would he? That's how I lost my partner, drinking buddy, and friend. Normal because people won like what a penny extra scolymia, so what is not a reason to drink! And this one has given up drinking! .. And why do I need such a friend? Become Depraved Ilyich. In a word, it lost its human form.

Goes to the bed, sits on it, picks up the bottle from the floor, looks carefully at the label. Peers.

GAVRILA: AA..... Ugh, damn. So that's it. I grabbed a soft drink from the shelf. That's what inattention does. I don't think it's anything like that. Brrrr (shakes his head) And this fish is dried… (he picks up the rest of the half-eaten fish from the newspaper and throws it back in disgust) It looked like a long-lived fish. ZHR+yt is simply impossible. Little that figs bite off, so still and in it such sense, that the entire salt of Russia. Brrrr (shakes his head) Oooh… (sighs, holds her head, pulls her hair)

Growls, pulls his hair hard, pulls, pulls, pulls, jumps up abruptly, looks with some crazy inspiration into the audience

GABRIEL: the Casino! Why didn't I guess sooner? Good luck is waiting for me there! (In admiration) YES!

Runs to the nightstand, pulls out a box, runs to the bed, shakes out the contents on it.

GABRIEL: the Family jewels. Shore for a special day. My finest hour has come. I'll intercept it for now. Now to the pawn shop, then to the casino (tricky) I know where there are underground establishments in our city. I know everything.

Hastily collects in his pocket stones, rings, chains that fell out of the box and runs to the exit

GABRIEL: I'll come back a completely different person! Successful! Solid! Handsome! (he puffs out his chest, points at himself, imagines what he will become) Yes, this Ilyich with his apartments will choke on saliva! I'll buy twenty! No! Thirty. Fifty apartments!!! I'm going to shut everyone up. I saw it in a secret movie (whisper) – a documentary!

Winks with cunning

GAVRILA: you bet all the time on the same number on roulette, constantly increasing the bet, and according to probability theory, at some point your number will fall out. You can say that my whole life is a constant bet on the same number, which does not fall out. Luck just doesn't have a chance to get out of it, it will choose me today in any case.

Shouts admiringly

GABRIEL: I'm rich!!!

Runs away from the apartment.

END OF THE FIRST ACTION

ACT TWO

In an apartment with an intrigue, slowly, the door does not open immediately. After a while, Gavril enters the apartment. He's wearing only his family underpants. He stealthily dashes in, runs somewhere in another part of the stage, then runs in a third direction, then jumps out, grabs some things from the closet and runs away again. Finally, he jumps onto the stage on one leg, pulling on a pair of short, ripped jeans.

GAVRILA: It looks like it… Looks like luck has another ACE up its sleeve for me after all.

He scratches the back of his head and walks around the room. His face shows confusion.

Suddenly he jumps on the bed and lies down, crossing his legs busily.

GABRIEL: So my wife says… she Said I wasn't happy… well… she did Express it a little differently. Oaf!

Is it the same thing? In other words, simple, I say. Sometimes the truth still called a fool. But this is loving. You know, some girls like to call their lover a fool. She was a fool, though… well straight to the fool.... like not called. A fool often. Well, consider it the same. Stupid sometimes. I think it means something so masculine. I don't remember exactly. In General, she often called me such some terms that I do not know. (Smiles sweetly) But I always understood what she was trying to say, and I always appreciated it. She loved me so much, so much… (She clasps her hands to her chest in awe)

I remember not coming home from work in the evening. And the phone didn't answer. I called and called. At first I didn't pick up the phone, then the caller became unavailable. The next day I came and said that I couldn't get on the bus for a long time, it was Friday evening. Buses are full. It's a long walk to the metro, and there's no money left for a taxi. So I decided to spend the night at work. She said the phone was dead, couldn't call, wanted to walk. But I thought that it would be a long walk, it would be late, and I would already be asleep. She didn't want to Wake me up, she knows how tired I am at work. Taken care of! Another would be… and my Alinochka. She loved me very much.

He puts his hand to his lips and shakes his head.

GABRIEL: She was often so late afterwards. Sometimes she was late, sometimes she didn't come back until the next day, but I already knew that everything was fine and didn't worry. I understood that my Elichka again thinks about me, cares, loves. Once she disappeared for three whole days. I kept calling and calling. And the phone was always unavailable. I arrived later so tired, taciturn. Shower first, then go to bed. I realized that she was very tired, that something had happened, and I did not torment her with questions. She told me everything the next day. There they have it turns out, the pipe burst. And the team is purely female, not a single man. Well, they were there as a team and struggled with this problem. Well, how did the women fight? (He laughs mockingly and throws up his hands) They were wrapping her up in some rags, but she's still running, of course. There under pressure. Squeezes it out. This I know, I had hydraulics in technical school! That's how they fought the flood. Wrapped in rags, then removed them ran – squeezed, and again wrapped. And again they ran – squeezed. That's how they ran for three days, until someone thought of them to call the emergency service. Women, what to take from them. The phone was dead, of course, and she didn't have time to look for a charger anywhere. I have a good one… was. She wasn't smart enough to know about the emergency service, but she didn't need to, with a husband like that. I myself have always been a think tank in the family, a decision-making body and any communication issues!

He thinks, scratches the back of his head, changes his face.

GAVRILA: Her phone often sat down… I probably should have bought her a new one, I didn't think of it right away. Oh, I'm taking a long time to think. Smart, but also a no-no to photoprivate became. Not for nothing they say, with whom you will be led from that and you will gain. My wife did not influence me in the best way, as you can see. Thank God she's gone, or I'd have been an idiot with her.

Gets out of bed, goes to the table, turns on the kettle, is going to eat, something collects to the table in a hurry. With longing, sloppiness and clumsiness does the whole procedure.

GAVRILA: Yes… Until my hand is full. My wife used to do the cooking… cleaning, as usual, washing… Yes, everyone in General. I came home from work, I didn't need anything, everything was ready, everything was done, everything was cleaned. I'm still trying to figure out… when did she do all this? After all, she also went to work, sometimes returned later than me, and took out the farm. I used to take it all for granted that the cleanliness of the house, order. That the table is always set, that the mountain of things in the dirty does not go out. And in General… she was able to create comfort at home. Even when she stayed late and didn't come for a night or a few days… it already happened several times in the end that they couldn't fix these pipes there in any way (he gets distracted, thinks, is surprised, but returns to the idea). So, even when she was not at home, it was still warm and comfortable in our family nest… What has essentially changed? It's just not there, but if it wasn't just her… that warmth and comfort were gone, too.

The kettle boils, turns off, Gavrila shakes the remnants of old drops out of the glass somewhere to the side, examines the mug, wipes it with a t-shirt on the wrong side. He pours boiling water and makes coffee. He quickly builds a sandwich, takes a bite, and goes on with his mouth full.

GABRIEL (with emboldened mood, chewing): Do you know how Elina and I met? Oh… it was an Opera, how we met. At that time, my job transfer was suitable for the next category. And this is a completely different money! Here, the master told me to work hard for a couple of months, and then we will decide something to put it in front of the authorities. They don't just give you a discharge. I played like Stakhanov! Did almost two norms, while not losing quality. But I was terribly tired… terribly tired… just awful. And so, by a ridiculous accident, I forgot to lace my shoelace, I was going home after my shift, let me go to the store, I think I'll look at some food… for dinner and for tomorrow's shift. I took something there, I was about to go to the cash register, suddenly once… I feel – I'm falling, and why I'm falling – I don't understand, but I understand well that I'm falling. While I was thinking, I met the floor with my nose. My forehead didn't hit too badly either. The bump just popped off. (Shows which bump). I did it once (feels his face, shows how he checked himself for damage in the store), like nothing, everything is in place. The food just flew out of the basket. And, most importantly, I hear a woman's voice wailing:

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't mean to. Please get up and let me help you. Are you badly hurt? Where does it hurt?»

I can't understand anything. A lady picks me up, flutters around me, hums something. And I still have a ringing in my ears from the fall and my brains are not in place, I need to collect food quickly, before they grab it, I took the last fresh cheese from the shelf, right in front of my grandmother's nose I stole it, and there are a lot of "gulls" there. I have to run, grab, lift, but I can't, this woman is holding me. It was a Hellene. As it turned out, it was she who stepped on my untied shoelace, so I rushed into an unauthorized flight.

Gavrila chews the last bite of her sandwich, gets up from her chair, goes to the back of the stage, and philosophically tells her story of Dating. He holds a glass in his hand, periodically sipping fragrant, smelly coffee.

GAVRILA: We hobbled to the ticket office together. Then she saw my bump… (confused, expressed more specifically). There's a bump on my forehead, I mean (pointing at my forehead). So immediately… well, not immediately… but… I offered you a ride. Don't be a fool, I agreed. She had a car even then. Good, foreign car. I agreed. And why refuse, when you still have a chance to take a ride in a foreign car! I used to only ride my grandfather's Zhiguli to the dacha, that's all. Well, and from the dacha, of course, too. And then for happiness! And then only on the bus, a minibus, which sometimes, however, the minibus is more expensive, but sometimes, forked out. And here on a foreign car. She so immediately showed her head (funny shows a nod of the head). Says:

"I'm in the car, let's maybe give you a lift, because it was so inconvenient, I want a relibi… reality… Rea…beat…tag."

Yes, that's what I said, rehabilitate. She pointed at the car. I look through the glass, and there's a blue one… such car. A real foreign car. Can you imagine? I don't remember the brand, it's complicated. There, "in Russian" was written. I said YES, of course!

That's how we met. I fell in love with her right away.

She is… you know… mysterious. Amazing… So it whispers with its gentle timbre. Everything freezes inside. And what forms, guys, you should see what forms. Skin, so soft. You hold your hand straight and you feel so good yourself, as if… I don't even know how to describe it. It's getting really good. .. you know… as when (thinks) …this is when corn sticks Yes in condensed milk, and then immediately in the mouth. It's so delicious that it's disgusting, but it's still delicious. So here it is about the same, only not disgusting at all, but only pleasant. Such soft, warm skin. She's all so tender, so sensitive… Well, just a dream, a dream! A dream, not a car…

finishes his coffee, passes puts the mug on the table, passes to the front of the stage, squats down. The ecstatic look is replaced by gloom and sadness.

GABRIEL: She had an accident the same day, sold the car, and I never rode it again. I got a knock in my yard while I was Parking. Word for word, they came to me for tea while the traffic police were waiting. And they're not in a hurry to get to work. In General, five hours passed while they were driving. We all sat and talked. For a moment, it felt like we'd known each other all our lives. We talked and talked and couldn't stop talking. And when it was already dark, flashing lights appeared in the courtyard. The traffic police crew arrived. Ellina ran away, but soon returned. I forgot my cell phone. Such a mess. I scolded her then that you can't be such a gawk, you must always be on your guard! You never know what kind of person I could be! Who knows what's on my mind! Instead of saying thank you, she frowned and left without saying goodbye.

Gets up, goes to the bed, lies down.

GAVRILA: and two days later, in the evening, the doorbell rings, I open it … the

doorbell rings. Gavrila goes to open the door.

Opens the door, there's no one there. He shakes his head around. He goes out and returns with an envelope in his hand. She looks at him in surprise. He checks again to see if anyone is on the landing, then closes the door.

Passes, sits down at the table. He opens the envelope, takes out the letter, unfolds it, and reads it aloud.

GABRIEL: "Dear recipient. You have received a money transfer from the UK." (Makes a round, startled face) What a sum. So-so so…

"we have transferred to You the full amount that You can get from any Bank on the attached receipt after you pay the customs duty and transport tax on the commercial transaction. Taking into account the transaction and the offer, the payment amount is…" (puffs out his lips, shakes his head in displeasure).

However… The amount is so… big… of course, it's a penny compared to the one that was transferred to me. But where will I get so much money…

Eureka suddenly shines in Gavrila's eyes!

GAVRILA: Map! Of course! I have my credit card intact! How could I forget. There, however, the interest is crazy, but nothing. I'll take it off quickly. Pay for it! Today or tomorrow I will get the transfer and put everything back. I won't be charged anything! There's still a lot of money left. That's how I came up with it.

Puts the letter carefully on the table, rushes to the nightstand, throws everything out, prowls. Pulls out the entire shelf. Turns it over. Finds a credit card. Victoriously it lifts up.

GAVRILA: TA-daaam! (Enthusiastically) You give victory!!! So I was lucky, so I got a lucky ticket. At Ilyich Vaughn, someone died in Kazakhstan, and at me in great Britain! I'm lucky! Whoo-hoo!!!

Takes a credit card, carefully and gently picks up the letter from the table, checks the details.

GAVRILA: so… so… so. BIC, KPP, Cor. account… everything is there, everything is fine. We're working on it now.

Cheerfully and enthusiastically leaves the stage with a credit card and a letter.

END OF THE SECOND ACT

ACT THREE

Gabriel comes back with a mysterious smile. The gait is slightly dancing, the behavior is strange.

Defiles around the stage, waddling in the foreground.

GAVRILA (stretches her lips in a satisfied smile): Paid for it, everything is as it should be. I came with a receipt and a letter to the Bank's cashier, and the girl smiled at me so mysteriously… She seemed to like me.

He jumps off, dances, goes to the table, pours water into a mug, humming to himself, humming something-drinks, puts the mug down. Smiling smugly, he looks at the viewer. Abruptly changes in the face, remembering why he went.

GAVRILA: I didn't give out the money, Though. She didn't say anything, just shook her head…(shows how he shook his head negatively), but nothing tomorrow I'll go to another Bank. This cashier, it seems, lost her head from me, some kind of inadequate suddenly became when I showed her a letter with the transfer amount. (Makes a suspicious face) Or maybe it is… I'm sooooooooo. It was just that she realized that I was now an eligible suitor and was considering a plan to seduce me. She wants me to come to her every day, and she smiled at me, smiled and smiled… and then one! And give her half of it according to the law after the divorce process. … cunning. But I saw through it. Oh, these women! You need to keep your eyes open with them!

Here is my Elichka at all not such was. She left everything to me after the divorce. I didn't take anything. I live here, and live in odnushke. All gifts, things, everything left… Treshka, however, in the center of the Aunt got me… it's gone. And a cottage of seven acres, two floors. I remember my father and I were still building it. My wife also stayed, but she had nothing to do with it. This is already decided by the court, I did not delve into these nuances. She never asked me for anything at all. I bought everything myself with my own money. We go to the store for groceries, come home , she is already in new shoes, some dress will buy. Whenever I could. Probably, while I was walking around the hypermarket with the list, she took everything from the neighboring departments. She didn't bother me at all. I paid at the checkout, of course, but this is only for food, and clothes, it's all her own, on her own… probably. I don't know. In General, it doesn't matter, it was good. She's cute.

He goes to the bed, takes off his shoes, and lies down, stretching.

GAVRILA: But she's gone! She said she couldn't burden me anymore.

the change of the voice, trying to imitate:

"I can see how difficult it is for you with me, how you suffer. You don't even notice sometimes, you just put up with me, and I take advantage of it. I'm not worthy of you, I can't deceive myself anymore. Goodbye, my love. I will love you forever, but from a distance. Find a more worthy life partner»

And left. I tried to hold her back, but she hit me, I lost consciousness, and when I woke up, I was already alone. You can see on the nerves so behaved, how much she poor changed her mind just to decide on it. Well, what will you do, gone and gone… Still this cat. He also left with her. How is that even possible? They get used to the house. Nifiga! The tramp left. Although, in all conscience, he always loved his wife more… the

main thing is that I bought the cat, I fed the animal, I stroked it, and he loved his wife more, that's what's so unfair?

He pauses, sits cross-legged on the bed, and looks off into the distance.

GABRIEL: When my wife left me… I waited for her until the very last moment… I didn't stop believing that she would come back. A year after the separation, I met her by chance in a hypermarket. So happy.

"How are you?" How do you live? What's new? I asked her when we met.

And after her answer, the world seemed to cease to exist for me…

– I'm getting married, – she said.

I just stopped everything. My wife said and went on through the shopping malls, picking up groceries in the basket. .. I don't remember exactly what happened, I remember that the world just turned gray. I sat down on a Shoe-fitting Ottoman and thought that was the end of my life. We parted a long time ago, but I still considered her my wife, my woman… his Ellina…

Pauses. He tries to wipe away a tear so that no one seems to see it.

GAVRILA: after a year and a half, I more or less recovered, I got pretty hooked on the liver, but I still didn't go crazy. Like. Nothing. I'm a tough nut to crack. The most important thing is not to lose heart!

He gets out of bed and walks across the stage, cheering himself up.

GABRIEL: I'm still nothing! I still can!!!

Stretches, it pinches a nerve. He freezes in a stupid pose.

GAVRILA: Oops… Whoa, whoa… Oops… Why am I suddenly so lopsided?

Walking along to the bed, lies down, moves slowly. Out of the blue, he starts laughing wildly.

GAVRILA: that's just me, heh, I met a Girl once. Even before his wife, it was. I helped her somehow, I don't remember… it was a completely everyday situation. But I was just being human, without any intent, and she thought I was hitting on her. Word for word, a Cup of coffee was crushed. It was late afternoon. It was getting dark outside. I asked to see you off. I, like a true gentleman, did not offend her by my refusal. Not offended by the refusal and the offer to come for tea. I was in no hurry (With resentment) But she didn't give me any tea!!! She closed the door behind me and went straight to the bathroom. I spent fifteen minutes like a fool pounding on the doorstep while she washed up. She had to take a shower right away. Invited a person to visit and take a shower? Where are your manners? Who does this? I don't know what happened, though. Anything can happen, especially since she's a girl. Anyway, while I was trying to figure it out, the bathroom door opened and she was naked in front of me. And most importantly, it reaches out to me. Who knows what's on her mind! The behavior is strange. I fight back, but as I enter the back. Just like that… And everything. Neither here nor there. And do what you want with me. But she took pity on me and didn't do anything to me. She threw on a dressing gown, opened the front door and pushed me out of the slanting curve. So I just let go at home, so all the way and got with one hand raised and one leg tucked.

Exhales, straightens up completely.

GAVRILA: Ufff… I'm telling you, these women never do anything good. Why did they even come up with them! Alone with them the experiences, frustrations and anguish. Well, if you don't count the two – or three-minute acts of retribution.

Gavrila gets out of bed, gently stretches her arms and legs, stretches very carefully, watching herself, then goes to the table, pours water from the teapot into a glass, and pauses, looking at the newspaper lying on the table. The water begins to overflow from the mug, he is already pouring water somewhere past and suddenly, wakes up.

He puts the kettle back in its place, grabs the newspaper, shakes the water off it, and reads the ad aloud.

GAVRILA: So, once again…

"Attention, draw! Each package of crackers has a serial number on the wrapping side! Whoever gets the number 8427 wins the apartment!»

It's very simple… What the hell is not joking (waving his hand) and…, was, was not. We'll arrange everything now.

He pulls all the cash out of his pockets, rummages through the shelves and bags, collects it all in one pile, counts it, and leaves the apartment with enthusiasm.

END OF THE THIRD ACT

ACT FOUR

With a crash the door swings open, the apartment comes Gabriel. In the hands of two huge packages, both stuffed with crackers.

Gavrila impatiently kicks off her shoes, throws the contents of the bags into one big pile and begins to quickly tear the packages of crackers one by one, checking their wrong side. Everything falls here on the floor. After a few packages, his enthusiasm subsides.

Gabriel chucks another pack somewhere behind the scenes, even without revealing it.

GAVRILA: They've got it… All packages have only the numbers 8426 and 8428. So trust reliable sources after that. There is no order anywhere. Well, at least the product won't be lost, though… Money is a pity.

and…, I wanted to drink tea.

He pours water from a decanter into the kettle and turns it on. Begins to clean up the table, wipe up spilled water, clean up bags of crackers.

GABRIEL: I sometimes wonder what's right… Regret what you did or regret what you didn't do? Perhaps the second is more difficult to bear. Well, here, for example, take the same fool with an apartment. If I hadn't taken the risk, I would have had some savings. Not much, but it would last a week. On the other hand, if I do not dare, would I a week a year and don't know how many years, but for me these years of my life, if I'd torture myself all the time that might not have made the elementary nonsense and tried my luck when this can and should be done?

What is our life like? It's a lottery… Someone finds, someone loses. Someone finds, loses, finds again, and loses again. We all win something, lose something. Every day we face circumstances, probably never knowing what they will bring us. These circumstances are innumerable. Both small and large. Only here, bad luck… When we win… we usually don't notice it. But if you lose… Life reminds US of the FBI's slogan: "They know about our defeats, but they don't know about our victories." All the same only at the level of personality…

Two friends of mine drove past the pond last year and decided to take a dip. They walked side by side, smoothly sinking into the water, but one passed without incident, and the second stepped on a broken bottle, injured his leg. The one who lost in this situation – still remembers, every time he remembers this story at every convenient and not the most convenient occasion. And the one who won didn't even notice. I forgot it the next day. But he was just lucky, he passed without trouble. So in our life, it turns out that if something happens, it is almost always seen only in a negative light, but if nothing happens, then in fact it does not mean that nothing is happening. Most often, this indicates our unnoticed victories!

We win this one big lottery very often, very often. And yet we are afraid to lose, to take a risk, to risk finding the elementary human happiness that is possible on earth. So we leave life with our fears and unused chances.