Текст книги "Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes"

Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

Подготовка текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь С. А. Матвеева

© ООО «Издательство АСТ», 2017

Английские анекдоты и шутки

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, «Does your dog bite?»

The shopkeeper says, «No, my dog does not bite.»

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

«Ouch![1]1
  Ouch! – Ай!


[Закрыть]» he says, «But you say your dog does not bite!»

The shopkeeper replies, «That is not my dog.»

* * *

A gloomy colonel was taking a walk in a park. He saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. The lieutenant noticed the colonel from a distance, and hid himself behind a tree.

The next day the colonel asked:

«Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?»

«Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir,» answered the lieutenant.

* * *

A man went into a pet shop one day. «I want to buy a parrot that talks,» he said.

«I’m sorry sir, but you have to teach[2]2
  have to teach – должны научить


[Закрыть] your parrot to speak.»

So he chose a parrot and took it home with him. Two weeks later he returned to the pet shop.

«My parrot still doesn’t speak,» he said.

«Ah, that’s a shame. Buy this mirror. He’ll look at himself, and talk.»

The man bought the mirror and went away. Two weeks later he returned again.

«My parrot is dead,» he said.

«I’m sorry, sir – but tell me, before he died, did he say anything?»

«Yes he did. But only one word.»

«Really? Which word was that?»

«Foood!»

* * *

Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle[3]3
  Bermuda triangle – Бермудский треугольник


[Закрыть] – information goes in and then it is never found again.

* * *

– Why did you leave your last job?

– The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.

* * *

Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on.[4]4
  and tried them on – и примерил их


[Закрыть] He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long,» he said. «They need shortening.[5]5
  They need shortening. – Их нужно укоротить.


[Закрыть] Can you do it for me, please?»

The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.

Then the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.

When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off[6]6
  cut a piece off – отрезала по куску


[Закрыть] each leg of the new trousers.

* * *

Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: You will go to jail.

* * *

An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle[7]7
  Warwick Castle – Уорикский замок (средневековый замок в центральной Англии)


[Закрыть] in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.

«Tell me,» the American said to the caretaker, «is that famous vase still here?» (shows its photo in the guide-book).

«Yes, sir,» was the reply.

«And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?»

«Yes, sir.»

«And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?[8]8
  Charles I – Карл I (король Англии, Шотландии и Ирландии в XVII в.)


[Закрыть]»

«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»

«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye.» And he hurried away.[9]9
  hurried away – поспешил прочь


[Закрыть]

* * *

A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted[10]10
  Wife wanted – Ищу жену


[Закрыть]». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

* * *

Men go shopping[11]11
  go shopping – ходят за покупками


[Закрыть] to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out[12]12
  find out – понять


[Закрыть] what they want.

* * *

– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!

* * *

Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.

* * *

Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.

* * *

If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?

* * *

Boy: Our principal[13]13
  principal – директор школы


[Закрыть] is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).

* * *

It takes[14]14
  it takes – требуется


[Закрыть] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!

* * *

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

* * *

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

* * *

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»

* * *

– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.

* * *

One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

* * *

«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15]15
  get away – отправляйтесь


[Закрыть] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16]16
  one cigar a day – одну сигару в день


[Закрыть]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»

* * *

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17]17
  take my advice – следуют моим советам


[Закрыть]

* * *

The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

* * *

A young girl once asked Mark Twain[18]18
  Mark Twain – Марк Твен


[Закрыть] if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,[19]19
  that depends – это зависит от обстоятельств


[Закрыть]» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop.[20]20
  a razor strop – ремень для правки бритвы


[Закрыть] If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table.[21]21
  wabbly table – шатающийся стол


[Закрыть] A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.[22]22
  to nail over a broken pane of glass – заделать дыру в оконном стекле


[Закрыть]»

* * *

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

* * *

A bewhiskered[23]23
  bewhiskered – бородатый


[Закрыть] American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap,[24]24
  to reach a strap – дотянуться до ремня


[Закрыть] caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:

– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?[25]25
  Are you getting off? – Вы выходите?


[Закрыть]

* * *

A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come[26]26
  that seemed to come – который, казалось, доносился


[Закрыть] from under the bed. «Is there someone there?» he asked absently. «No, professor,» answered the thief. «That is strange,» muttered the professor. «I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.»

* * *

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher[27]27
  Doberman Pinscher – доберман-пинчер (порода собаки)


[Закрыть] and a guy with a Chihuahua.[28]28
  Chihuahua – чихуахуа (порода собаки)


[Закрыть] The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– Just follow me.

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on[29]29
  puts on – надевает


[Закрыть] a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.[30]30
  seeing-eye dog – собака-поводырь


[Закрыть]

The guy at the door says,

– A Doberman Pinscher?

He says,

– Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.

The guy at the door says,

– OK, come on in.

The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says,

– Sorry, no pets allowed.

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The guy at the door says,

– A Chihuahua?

The guy with the Chihuahua says,

– You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!

* * *

A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,

– I want to engrave inside this ring «From George to Dora[31]31
  From George to Dora – От Джорджа – Доре


[Закрыть]».

The jeweller said,

– If you take my advice, sir, you will just have «From George».

* * *

A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question,

«How long married?» he hesitated, and then put down,[32]32
  put down – написал


[Закрыть] «24 hours a day.»

* * *

Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasn’t. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting,[33]33
  oil-painting – картина маслом


[Закрыть] either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.

«Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,» replied the minister.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister £50. The minister looked at Tom’s wife and gave him £42 change.

* * *

A man went to the Police Station.[34]34
  Police Station – полицейский участок


[Закрыть] He wanted to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

«You’ll get your chance in court,» said the sergeant.

«No, no, no!» said the man. «I want to know how he got into the house and did not wake my wife!»

* * *

Tom won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked them:

– Who will have the present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back[35]35
  to talk back – дерзить


[Закрыть] to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison:

– Okay, dad, you get the toy.

* * *

A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, «I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband.

«We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a pound a box,» said the clerk.

She looked them over[36]36
  she looked them over – она их осмотрела


[Закрыть] and decided to take a box. Then she added, «Are they sprayed with poison?»

The clerk replied,

«No, ma’am.[37]37
  No, ma’am. – Нет, мэм.


[Закрыть] You can purchase that at the drug-store.»

* * *

– George, darling, what is it about me[38]38
  what is it about me – что во мне


[Закрыть] you find so attractive? Is it my personality?

– No.

– Is it my figure?

– No.

– Is it my charisma?

– No.

– I give in.[39]39
  I give in. – Я сдаюсь.


[Закрыть]

– That’s it![40]40
  That’s it! – Вот именно это!


[Закрыть]

* * *

– Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.

– Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?

– What do you mean by «took them out of their shells»?

* * *

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.

One says to the other, «Why are you here?»

The second answers, «I’m Napoleon,[41]41
  Napoleon – Наполеон


[Закрыть] so the doctor told me to come here.»

The first is curious and asks, «How do you know that you’re Napoleon?»

The second responds, «God told me I was.»

At this point,[42]42
  at this point – в этот момент


[Закрыть] a patient on the other side of the room shouts, «No, I didn’t!»

* * *

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him.

«John,» the new guy replied.

The manager scowled,

«Look, I don’t know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?»

The new guy sighed and said, «Darling. My name is John Darling.»

«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»

* * *

A woman called and asked,

– Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to whom?

– No, why do you ask?

She replied,

– Well, when I checked in[43]43
  checked in – регистрировалась


[Закрыть] with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?

– You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!

* * *

The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.

«How high is it, Doctor?» he wanted to know.

«Thirty and nine,» said the Doctor.

«And what’s the world record?» asked the champion.

* * *

«Is that Nora?» asked Willy.

«Yes, Nora is speaking,» answered the girl.

«Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.»

«Yes, I will,» was the reply, «but who is speaking?»

* * *

– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?

– He will beat me.

* * *

«What’s the matter with you, darling?» Lily asked her husband. «Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden[44]44
  all of a sudden – вдруг ни с того ни с сего


[Закрыть] you don’t like beans.»

* * *

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink.[45]45
  soft drink – безалкогольный напиток


[Закрыть] He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.[46]46
  filled in the hole – засыпать яму


[Закрыть] While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

«Wait, wait,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here?»

«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»

«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»

«Yes,» added Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»

* * *

– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!

* * *

– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature,[47]47
  flawed сreature– бракованный продукт


[Закрыть] with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.

– I can put up with that,[48]48
  put up with that – смириться с этим


[Закрыть] – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe[49]49
  to let him believe – позволить ему верить


[Закрыть] that I made him first.

* * *

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, «Oh! So you want to race,[50]50
  to race – лететь наперегонки


[Закрыть] right?»

* * *

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race[51]51
  important race – важные скачки


[Закрыть] on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, «All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.» The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on[52]52
  carry on – продолжают


[Закрыть] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, «It’s no good, I must do it,» and yells, «ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, «Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»

The trainer replies, «Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!»

* * *

A man was wandering around a fairground[53]53
  was wandering around a fairground – бродил по ярмарке


[Закрыть] and he saw fortuneteller’s tent.[54]54
  fortuneteller’s tent – шатёр предсказательницы


[Закрыть] He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. «Ah…» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.» «Silly fortuneteller,» scoffed the man, «I’m the father of THREE children!» The woman grinned and said, «That’s what YOU think!»

* * *

A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. «How can I understand,» replied the man, «what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.»

* * *

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

* * *

A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures[55]55
  to take pictures – сделать фотографии


[Закрыть] of a great forest fire. «A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,» said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough,[56]56
  sure enough – действительно


[Закрыть] a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, «Let’s go!» The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. «Fly over the north side of the fire,» said the photographer, «And make several low-level passes.[57]57
  make several low-level passes – сделать несколько пролётов на предельно малой высоте


[Закрыть]» «Why?» asked the nervous pilot. «Because I want to take pictures!» yelled the photographer. «I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!» The pilot replied, «You mean you’re not the flight instructor?»

* * *

Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

* * *

An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.[58]58
  Игра слов: sham – поддельный, rock – камень; shamrock – трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)


[Закрыть]»

* * *

A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries[59]59
  sustains no injuries – не получает увечий


[Закрыть] from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig[60]60
  big swig– большой глоток


[Закрыть] of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. «You’re not going to have a drink?» asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, «Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!»

* * *

A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,[61]61
  the interest – процент


[Закрыть] which comes to £15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: «We are very happy to make this transaction.[62]62
  transaction – транзакция (банковская операция, состоящая в переводе денежных средств с одного счёта на другой)


[Закрыть] But please tell us, why did you borrow £5,000?» «Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?»

* * *

A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out[63]63
  sweep out – подметать


[Закрыть] the store.» «But I’m a college graduate,[64]64
  college graduate – выпускник колледжа


[Закрыть]» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,» said the manager. «Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.»

* * *

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength[65]65
  with last ounce of strength – из последних сил


[Закрыть] he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will![66]66
  will – завещание


[Закрыть] He read it. It said: «You fool – get off[67]67
  get off – слезь


[Закрыть] my oxygen pipe!!!»

* * *

An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over[68]68
  stay-over – ночёвка


[Закрыть] in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up.[69]69
  called her up – позвонил ей


[Закрыть] What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldn’t get out of[70]70
  get out of – выйти из


[Закрыть] her room. «You can’t get out of your room?» the captain asked, «Why not?» The stewardess replied, «There are only three doors here,» she sobbed, «one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!»

* * *

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, «I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up[71]71
  open them up – вскрываете их


[Закрыть] everything is in alphabetical order». The second surgeon said, «I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order». The third surgeon said, «I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.[72]72
  color coded – маркировано в цвете


[Закрыть] The fourth surgeon said, «I like to operate on lawyers». The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.[73]73
  in disbelief – с недоверием


[Закрыть] One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, «Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!»

* * *

One day a Pope[74]74
  Pope – папа римский


[Закрыть] and a lawyer died and went to Heaven. God came and said, «Follow me and I will give you your rooms.» So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. «Thank you, thank you my lord,» said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. «Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?» «Well, popes we get regular as clockwork,[75]75
  we get regular as clockwork – мы получаем постоянно


[Закрыть] but you’re our first lawyer.»

* * *

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, «…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’» The teacher paused, then asked the class, «And what do you think that man said?» One little boy raised his hand and said, «I know, he said: Wow! A talking pig!»

* * *

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard how his son was praying, «God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma.[76]76
  Grandma = Grandmother


[Закрыть] Ta ta, Grandpa.[77]77
  Grandpa = Grandfather


[Закрыть]» The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.[78]78
  a heart attack – сердечный приступ


[Закрыть] The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit afraid. The next night, he heard his son was praying again, «God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.» The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. The next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And the boy started to pray, «God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.» Now the father was very afraid. He stayed up[79]79
  stayed up – не ложился спать, бодрствовал


[Закрыть] all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure[80]80
  to make sure – чтобы убедитьcя


[Закрыть] his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, «Thank God you’re here! You can help us! Our milkman was dead on our porch this morning!»

* * *

Patient (to the doctor): Will it hurt,[81]81
  will it hurt? – будет больно?


[Закрыть] doctor? Doctor: Only when you get my bill, sir.

* * *

The psychology instructor finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.[82]82
  oral test – устный экзамен


[Закрыть] She was speaking about maniac depression,[83]83
  maniac depression – маниакальная депрессия


[Закрыть] so she asked, «How will you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth,[84]84
  back and forth – туда-сюда


[Закрыть] who screams at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair and weeps the next?» A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, «A coach?»

* * *

Three blondes finished a jigsaw-puzzle[85]85
  jigsaw-puzzle – пазл


[Закрыть] so they decide to celebrate it. They are walking into a bar and chanting, «61 days! 61 days!» The bartender gets curious and walks over to them[86]86
  walks over to them – подходит к ним


[Закрыть] and asks, «Why are you chanting 61 days?» One of the three answers, «Because the box said 3–6-years!»

* * *

– Why do gorillas have big noses?

– Because they have big fingers.

* * *

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog.

«This is a talking dog,[87]87
  a talking dog – говорящая собака


[Закрыть]» he said. «And you can have him for five pounds.»

The neighbour said, «You’re kidding! Talking dogs don’t exit!»

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

«Please buy me, Sir,» he pleaded. «This man is cruel. He never buys me food, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I was the richest dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.»

«Hey!» said the neighbour. «He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five pounds?»

«Because,» said the seller, «I’m tired of all his lies.»

* * *

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect food, then want freedom and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

* * *

Two guys were hunting, but they did not get any ducks.

«What do you think the problem is?» one man asked his companion.

«I don’t know,» came the reply, «Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog up high enough?»

* * *

An Scotsman, an Englishman and a nice girl were sitting together in a carriage in a train that was going through Wales.[88]88
  Wales – Уэльс


[Закрыть] Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was the kissing noise[89]89
  kissing noise – звук поцелуя


[Закрыть] and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, a nice girl and the Scotsman were sitting quietly, and the Englishman’s cheek was red.

The Englishman was thinking, «The Scottish fellow kissed a nice girl, but she slapped me by mistake.» The girl was thinking, «The English fellow tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped[90]90
  got slapped – получил пощёчину


[Закрыть] for it.» And the Scotsman was thinking, «This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.»

* * *

One woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to prepare food for her husband when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she is very late. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.[91]91
  pull up – подъезжать


[Закрыть] She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

«Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner in forty years of marriage! Can you make this for me again?»

She was very pleased. Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her friends about it and they are all horrified.

«You will kill him,» they said, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner.

Two months later, her husband died, and after the funeral all the Thursday bridge women attacked our new widow.

«You killed him! We told you that! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge while you know that you murdered your husband?»

She replied, «Ahh, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel[92]92
  fell off the mantel – свалился с камина


[Закрыть] when he was licking his leg.»

* * *

What’s the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

* * *

– I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.

– What’s the bad news?

– Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.[93]93
  Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene. – Анализ ДНК показал, что ваша кровь найдена на месте преступления.


[Закрыть]

– Dammit![94]94
  Dammit! – Чёрт возьми!


[Закрыть] – cries the client. – What’s the good news?

– Well, – the lawyer says, – Your cholesterol is down to 140.

* * *

What are the four animals a woman needs in her life?

A tiger in bed, a jaguar in the garage, a mink on her shoulders and a jackass[95]95
  jackass – осёл, дурак


[Закрыть] to pay for everything.

* * *

Why are single men thin and married men fat?

Because when you are single, you get home, open the refrigerator, see the same thing and go to bed.

When you are married, you get home, go to your bedroom, see the same thing and go to the fridge.

* * *

A teenage girl was talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.[96]96
  hung up – повесила трубку


[Закрыть]

«Wow!» said her father, «That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?»

«Wrong number,» replied the girl.

* * *

The mother says to her daughter, «Did you enjoy your first day at school?»

The daughter answers, «First day? Do you mean I must go back again tomorrow?»

* * *

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

«If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.»

* * *

– Why are you late?

– There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

– That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?

– No, I was standing on it.

* * *

– Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans! Is it a boy or a girl?

– It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.

– Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.

– I’m not. I’m her mother.

* * *

A teacher is talking to a pupil.

– Did your father help you with your homework?

– No, he did it all by himself.

* * *

A man says to the doctor, «Doctor, wherever I touch,[97]97
  wherever I touch – где я ни коснусь


[Закрыть] it hurts.»

The doctor asks, «What do you mean?»

The man says, «When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.»

The doctor says, «I know what’s wrong with you. Your finger is broken!»

* * *

A guy says to his friend, «Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.»

The friend says, «If I guess right, will you give me one of them?»

The first guy says, «If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them.»