Текст книги "Самые лучшие английские анекдоты"

“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”

* * *

“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”

“Ten hours?!”

“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”

* * *

“I’m not going to school any more.”

“Why?”

“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.[78]78
  until teacher makes up her mind – пока учительница не разберётся окончательно


[Закрыть]”

* * *

“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”

“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”

* * *

“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”

“Potato salad.”

* * *

“And has your baby learned to talk?”

“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”

* * *

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

* * *

“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”

“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”

* * *

“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”

“The first cow, of course.”

“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”

* * *

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.

* * *

“I can write! I can write!”

“What did you write?”

“How can I know? I can’t read.”

* * *

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.

“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.

Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.

“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.

* * *

“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”

“Why not?”

“I never put them up[79]79
  I never put them up – я никогда не поднимаю их


[Закрыть] in class.”

* * *

“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”

* * *

MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?

SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.

* * *

“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?[80]80
  keep milk from souring – не дать молоку скиснуть


[Закрыть]”

“Leave it in the cow.”

* * *

LADY (seeing tug-of-war[81]81
  tug-of-war – перетягивание каната


[Закрыть] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?

* * *

When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.

“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.

“Three months,” answered the mother.

“My, but you’ve kept her nice![82]82
  you’ve kept her nice – вы с ней хорошо обращались


[Закрыть]” exclaimed the little girl.

* * *

“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”

“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”

* * *

“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”

* * *

Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?

Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

* * *

Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?

Master: at 3 p. M.

Man: and the next eastbound train?

Master: at 4 p. M.

Man: and the next northbound train?

Master: arrives at 6 p. M.

Man: and the southbound train?

Master: oh, it left two hours ago.

Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

* * *

“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”

“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”

* * *

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:

“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”

A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:

“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”

* * *

“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”

“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”

“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”

* * *

“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”

“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”

* * *

“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”

“What can I do?”

“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”

* * *

“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”

“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”

* * *

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”

“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”

“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”

“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”

* * *

“Is your dog clever?”

“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases.[83]83
  as he pleases – как он пожелает


[Закрыть]”

* * *

A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”

“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”

* * *

“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”

“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”

* * *

“So, Joe was the life of the party?[84]84
  life of the party – душа компании


[Закрыть]”

“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”

* * *

“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.

“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”

“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”

* * *

“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”

“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”

* * *

“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”

“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”

* * *

An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”

“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies,[85]85
  Rockies – Скалистые горы


[Закрыть] when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”

* * *

Robert smiled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.

“Do you doubt that a trained swimmer could do that?” asked the teacher.

“No, sir,” answered Robert, “but I wonder why he didn’t make it four times and swim back to the side where his clothes were.”

* * *

“Tom, your hands are very dirty. What would you say if I came to school with dirty hands?”

“I should be too polite, sir, to mention it.”

* * *

“I can’t think why they make so much noise about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a much richer voice.”

“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”

* * *

“Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?”

“Yes. When Mother used to pull my hair, I wished that I didn’t have any.”

* * *

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?[86]86
  Ace of Spades – пиковый туз


[Закрыть]”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.

After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up.[87]87
  I give up – я сдаюсь


[Закрыть] Where’s the boat?”

* * *

“I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning.”

“Do you mean that she drives too fast?”

“No, but she always strikes trees.”

* * *

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

* * *

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

* * *

“Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache,” said Nelly, a little girl of six.

“That’s because you’ve been without lunch. Your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it.”

In the afternoon the minister came to see Nelly’s mother. While they talked, the minister remarked that he had been suffering all day with an awful headache.

“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nelly. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”

* * *

“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife. “My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”

“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humour.”

* * *

“What has 24 feet, green eyes and a black body?”

“I don’t know – what?”

“I don’t know, either, but you’d better pick it off[88]88
  you’d better pick it off – тебе лучше снять его


[Закрыть] your neck.”

* * *

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,[89]89
  when I got fired – когда меня уволили


[Закрыть] you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot,[90]90
  when I got shot – когда в меня стреляли


[Закрыть] you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”

* * *

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five pound bill to a bum.”

“You gave a bum five whole pounds?[91]91
  five whole pounds – целых пят фунтов


[Закрыть] That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”

* * *

A woman was leaving a cafе` after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.[92]92
  turned on her – переключился на неё


[Закрыть]”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.[93]93
  Get in line. – Встаньте в очередь.


[Закрыть]”

* * *

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

* * *

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise,[94]94
  broke my promise – нарушил своё обещание


[Закрыть] you didn’t have to keep yours.

* * *

Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

* * *

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the way.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot[95]95
  huge knot – огромная чалма


[Закрыть] on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square.[96]96
  you caught me fair and square – ты достал меня прямо и открыто


[Закрыть] I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I always win.”

“I did that for you,” responds the magician. “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,” he replied.

The magician smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

Now the golfer looks at him and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

Floored[97]97
  floored – удивлённый


[Закрыть] the magician stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

* * *

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.[98]98
  that puts you on the track – это наведёт вас на след


[Закрыть]”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook[99]99
  Captain Cook – капитан Кук


[Закрыть] made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don’t know much about history.”

* * *

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking[100]100
  get a spanking – получить нахлобучку


[Закрыть]…”

* * *

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”

“How can I lose?” answered Satan. “All the umpires are down there.”

* * *

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.

When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black.

Satan says, “How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!”

Then God says, “No, Jesus saves.[101]101
  Игра слов: saves – спасает; сохраняет информацию


[Закрыть]”

* * *

Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?

Little Johnny: One pound.

Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father.

* * *

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.[102]102
  be subtle about sth – не высказываться резко о чём-л.


[Закрыть]

“That’s a lovely name, dear,” he said. “The first girl I ever went out with[103]103
  went out with – ходил на свидания


[Закрыть] was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.”

“I think we’ll call her Mary, after[104]104
  call smb. after smb. – называть кого-л. в чью-л. честь


[Закрыть] my mother,” said the wife.

* * *

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

* * *

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers’ attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike.[105]105
  brand new bike – новенький велосипед


[Закрыть] For the positive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, “It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”

Just then the positive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, “There’s gotta be a horse around here somewhere!”

* * *

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.[106]106
  Pearly Gates – Жемчужные Врата


[Закрыть] St. Peter said, “Who are you?” and Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, “Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ You’ve earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he’s driving down the main expressway[107]107
  main expressway – главная скоростная автомагистраль


[Закрыть] in heaven with the harp playing full blast[108]108
  playing full blast – играющая во всю мощь


[Закрыть] when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn[109]109
  U-turn – поворот на 180 градусов


[Закрыть] right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back[110]110
  charge back – рвануть назад


[Закрыть] to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up[111]111
  stalks up – подходит с гордым видом


[Закрыть] to St. Peter.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, “Pat, shush![112]112
  Pat, shush! – Пэт, тихо!


[Закрыть] He’s the boss’s son!”

* * *

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other[113]113
  trampling each other – топча друг друга


[Закрыть] in their determined efforts to get away from evil.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yes, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “No. Sure am not.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

* * *

A man stumbles up[114]114
  stumbles up – подходит, спотыкаясь


[Закрыть] to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course?[115]115
  Why of course? – Почему бы и нет?


[Закрыть]” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say,[116]116
  You don’t say! – Не может быть!


[Закрыть] I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.[117]117
  another round to Ireland – ещё один раз стакан за Ирландию


[Закрыть]”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

* * *

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for[118]118
  apply for – подают заявление о приёме


[Закрыть] the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies, “Four.”

The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in[119]119
  calls in – вызывает (в кабинет)


[Закрыть] the accountant and asks the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says, “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

* * *

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager.[120]120
  Quality Assurance Manager – менеджер по контролю за качеством


[Закрыть] The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.[121]121
  demi-semiquavers – тридцать вторые ноты (муз.)


[Закрыть] This seems an excessive refinement,[122]122
  excessive refinement – излишняя утончённость


[Закрыть] and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up[123]123
  should be rounded up – должны быть округлены


[Закрыть] to the nearest semiquaver.[124]124
  semiquaver – шестнадцатые ноты (муз.)


[Закрыть] If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above,[125]125
  in light of the above – в свете вышеизложенного


[Закрыть] one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

* * *

A famous European writer was talking to an American girl. The American, speaking in the writer’s native language, asked him why he had never visited the United States.

“I know only a few sentences in English,” answered the writer.

“What are the sentences?” asked the girl.

“How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forget me. Ham and eggs, please,” answered the writer.

“Why,” exclaimed the girl, “with that vocabulary you could travel all over my country.”

* * *

“Mamma, please, change my name.”

“But why must I do that?”

“Because Daddy says he is going to spank me as sure as my name is Bobby.”

* * *

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind[126]126
  good frame of mind – хорошее расположение духа


[Закрыть] before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.

4) Satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, “You’re going to die.”

* * *

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

* * *

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an under powered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your check on accessories for it.

* * *

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is sent through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1 as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

* * *

The husband wised up to the fact that[127]127
  wised up to the fact that – пришёл к выводу, что


[Закрыть] his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated[128]128
  what he judged to be sophisticated – то, что он считал слишком усложнённым


[Закрыть] and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

Sir! It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.

* * *

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end… “And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail,[129]129
  Игра слов. Оригинальный текст молитвы: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one (“Не введи нас в искушение, но избавь нас от лукавого”).


[Закрыть] Amen.”