Текст книги "Смешные рассказы / The Funny Stories"

Should We Say What We Think, or Think What We Say?
Jerome K. Jerome

A mad friend of mine says that the main word of the age is Make-Believe[46]46
  Make-Believe – притворство


[Закрыть]. He claims that all social intercourse is founded on make-believe. A servant enters to say that Mr. and Mrs. Bore are in the living-room.

“Oh, damn!” says the man.

“Hush!” says the woman. “Shut the door, Susan[47]47
  Susan – Сюзен


[Закрыть]. How often am I to tell you never to leave the door open?”

The man creeps upstairs on tiptoe and enters his study room. The woman tries not to show her feelings, and then enters the living-room with a smile. She looks as if an angel has arrived. She says how delighted she is to see the Bores—how good it was of them to come. Why did they not bring more Bores with them? Where is naughty Bore junior? Why does he never come to see her now? She will have to be really angry with him. And sweet little Flossie[48]48
  Flossie – Флосси


[Закрыть] Bore? Too young to visit friends! Nonsense.

The Bores, who had hoped that she was not at home—who have only come because the etiquette book told them that they had to come at least four times in the season, explain how they have been trying and trying to come.

“This afternoon,” says Mrs. Bore, “we decided to come for sure. 'John, dear,' I said this morning, 'I shall go and see dear Mrs. Bounder this afternoon, no matter what happens.'”

It looks like the Prince of Wales[49]49
  the Prince of Wales – принц Уэльский


[Закрыть], who wanted to visit the Bores, was told that he could not come in. He might call again in the evening or come some other day.

That afternoon the Bores were going to enjoy themselves in their own way[50]50
  to enjoy themselves in their own way – провести время по своему вкусу


[Закрыть]; they were going to see Mrs. Bounder.

“And how is Mr. Bounder?” asks Mrs. Bore.

Mrs. Bounder remains mute for a moment. She can hear how he goes downstairs. She hears how the front door softly opens and closes.

And thus it is, not only with the Bores and Bounders, but even with us who are not Bores or Bounders. Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming; that we are delighted to see everybody; that everybody is delighted to see us; that it is so good of everybody to come; that we are desolate at the thought that they really must go now.

What will we prefer—to stop and finish our cigar or to hasten into the living-room to hear Miss Screecher's songs? Miss Screecher does not want to sing; but if we insist—We do insist. Miss Screecher consents. We are trying not to look at one another. We sit and examine the ceiling. Miss Screecher finishes, and rises.

“But it was so short,” we say. Is Miss Screecher sure that was the end? Didn't she miss a verse? Miss Screecher assures us that the fault is the composer's[51]51
  the fault is the composer's – в этом вина композитора


[Закрыть]. But she knows another. So our faces lighten again with gladness.

Our host's wine is always the best we have ever tasted. No, not another glass; we dare not—doctor's orders, very strict. Our host's cigar! We did not know they made such cigars in this world. No, we really cannot smoke another. Well, if he insists, may we put it in our pocket? The truth is, we do not like to smoke.

Our hostess's coffee! Will she tell us her secret?

The baby! The usual baby—we have seen it. To be honest, we do not like babies a lot. But this baby! It is just the kind we wanted for ourselves.

Little Janet's recitation[52]52
  Little Janet's recitation – декламирование маленькой Дженет


[Закрыть]: “A Visit to the Dentist”! This is genius, surely. She must train for the stage. Her mother does not like the stage. But the theatre will lose such talent.

Every bride is beautiful. Every bride looks charming in a simple dress of—for further particulars see local papers. Every marriage is a cause for universal rejoicing. With our wine-glass in our hand we picture the best life for them. How can it be otherwise? She, the daughter of her mother. (Cheers.) He—well, we all know him. (More cheers.)

We carry our make-believe even into our religion. We sit in church, and say to the God, that we are miserable worms—that there is no good in us. It does us no harm, we must do it anyway.

We make-believe that every woman is good, that every man is honest—until they show us, against our will, that they are not. Then we become very angry with them, and explain to them that they are such sinners, and are not to mix with us perfect people.

Everybody goes to a better world when they have got all they can here. We stand around the open grave and tell each other so. The clergyman is so assured of it that, to save time[53]53
  to save time – чтобы сэкономить время


[Закрыть], they have written out the formula for him and had it printed in a little book.

When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven. I was thinking about all the people that had died, there were too many people there. Almost I felt sorry for the Devil, forgotten and abandoned. I saw him in imagination, a lonely old gentleman, sitting at his gate day after day, doing nothing. An old nurse whom I told my ideas was sure that he would get me anyhow. Maybe I was an evil-hearted boy. But the thought of how he will welcome me, the only human being that he had seen for years, made me almost happy.

At every public meeting the chief speaker is always “a good fellow.” The man from Mars, reading our newspapers, will be convinced that every Member of Parliament was a jovial, kindly, high-hearted, generous-souled saint. We have always listened with pleasure to the brilliant speech of our friend who has just sat down.

The higher one ascends in the social scale[54]54
  the social scale – общественная лестница


[Закрыть], the wider becomes the make-believe. When anything sad happens to a very important person, the lesser people round about him hardly can live. So one wonders sometimes how it is the world continues to exist.

Once upon a time a certain good and great man became ill. I read in the newspaper that the whole nation was in grief. People dining in restaurants dropped their heads upon the table and sobbed. Strangers, meeting in the street, cried like little children. I was abroad at the time, but began to return home. I almost felt ashamed to go. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was shocked at my own appearance: there was a man who had not been in trouble for weeks. Surely, I had a shallow nature. I had had luck with a play in America, and I just could not look grief-stricken. There were moments when I found myself whistling!

The first man I talked to on Dover[55]55
  Dover – Дувр


[Закрыть] pier was a Customs House official. He appeared quite pleased when he found 48 cigars. He demanded the tax, and chuckled when he got it.

On Dover platform a little girl laughed because a lady dropped a handbox on a dog; but then children are always callous—or, perhaps, she had not heard the news.

What astonished me most, however, was to find in the train a respectable looking man who was reading a comic journal. True, he did not laugh much; but what was a grief-stricken citizen doing with a comic journal, anyhow? I had come to the conclusion that we English must be a people of wonderful self-control. The day before, as newspapers wrote, the whole country was in serious danger of a broken heart. “We have cried all day,” they had said to themselves, “we have cried all night. Now let us live once again.” Some of them—I noticed it in the hotel dining-room that evening—were returning to their food again.

We make believe about quite serious things. In war, each country's soldiers are always the most courageous in the world. The other country's soldiers are always treacherous and sly; that is why they sometimes win. Literature is the art of make-believe.

“Now all of you sit round and throw your pennies in the cap,” says the author, “and I will pretend that there lives in Bayswater[56]56
  Bayswater – Бейсуотер


[Закрыть] a young lady named Angelina[57]57
  Angelina – Анжелина


[Закрыть], who is the most beautiful young lady that ever existed. And in Notting Hill[58]58
  Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл


[Закрыть], we will pretend, there lives a young man named Edwin[59]59
  Edwin – Эдвин


[Закрыть], who is in love with Angelina.”

And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up[60]60
  is making it all up – измышляет всё это


[Закрыть]. We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.

The manager bangs his drum.

“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson[61]61
  Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон


[Закрыть] is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”

So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o'clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.

But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.

Why We Hate The Foreigner
Jerome K. Jerome

The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram[62]62
  to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая


[Закрыть] from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.

In Brussels[63]63
  Brussels – Брюссель


[Закрыть] once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?

The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.

Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called[64]64
  a halt was called – была объявлена остановка


[Закрыть], and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground[65]65
  from the ground – из-под земли


[Закрыть]. At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor's statement. Myself, in the passenger's case[66]66
  in the passenger's case – на месте пассажира


[Закрыть], I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid—one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.

There is a law in Germany—an excellent law it is—that nobody may scatter paper about the street. An English military friend told me that, one day in Dresden[67]67
  Dresden – Дрезден


[Закрыть], he tore a long letter into some fifty fragments and threw them behind him. A policeman stopped him and explained to him quite politely the law. My military friend agreed that it was a very good law, thanked the man for his information, and said that for the future he would bear it in mind[68]68
  he would bear it in mind – он будет иметь это в виду


[Закрыть]. But the policeman was not satisfied. He offered my friend to pick up those fifty pieces of paper. My friend did not see himself, an English General, on his hands and knees in the main street of Dresden, in the middle of the afternoon, picking up paper.

The German policeman agreed that the situation was awkward. If the English General cannot accept it there is an alternative: to accompany the policeman to the nearest prison, three miles away. It was four o'clock in the afternoon, the judge probably went away. But the prison cells[69]69
  the prison cells – тюремные камеры


[Закрыть] are very comfortable, and the policeman is sure that the General, after the fine of forty marks[70]70
  the fine of forty marks – штраф в сорок марок


[Закрыть], will be a free man again tomorrow. The General suggested to hire a boy to pick up the paper.

The policeman answered that it was not be permitted.

“I did not think,” my friend told me, “that picking up small pieces of thin paper off greasy stones was the hardest business of mine! It took me nearly ten minutes, and more than a thousand people enjoyed the view. But, anyway, it is a good law, I say.”

Once I accompanied an American lady to a German Opera House[71]71
  German Opera House – немецкий оперный театр


[Закрыть]. The spectators in the German Schauspielhaus[72]72
  German Schauspielhaus – немецкий шаушпильхаус-театр


[Закрыть] must take off their hats. Again, this is an excellent law! But the American lady disregards rules made by mere man[73]73
  disregards rules made made by mere man – отбрасывает правила, созданные простыми смертными


[Закрыть]. She explained to the doorkeeper[74]74
  doorkeeper – билетёр/ следящий за порядком в театре


[Закрыть] that she was going to wear her hat. He, on his side, explained to her that she was not: they were a bit angry with one another. I took the opportunity to leave them and buy some things: the fewer people there are mixed in an argument, I always think, the better.

My companion explained quite frankly to the doorkeeper that it did not matter what he said, she was not going to take any notice of him. He did not answer. He just stood in the centre of the doorway. As I explained, I was buying something, and when I returned my friend had her hat in her hand, and was digging pins into it: I am sure she was thinking it was the heart of the doorkeeper. She did not want to listen to the opera, she wanted to talk all the time about that doorkeeper, but the people round us did not even let her do that.

Continental Governments[75]75
  Continental Governments – правительства континентальных государств


[Закрыть] have trained their citizens to perfection. Obedience is the Continent's first law. There is a story of a Spanish king who was nearly drowned because the man whose duty was to dive in after Spanish kings when they fall from the boats had died, and another one had not yet arrived. And I can believe it.

On the Continental railways if you ride second class with a first-class ticket you are probably liable to imprisonment[76]76
  liable to imprisonment – карается тюремным заключением


[Закрыть]. What the penalty is for riding first with a second-class ticket I cannot say—probably death, though a friend of mine came very near to fell it.

He is very honest. He is one of those men who pride themselves because they are honest. I believe he takes a positive pleasure to be honest. He had purchased a second-class ticket, but, by chance, he met a lady acquaintance[77]77
  he met a lady acquaintance – он встретил одну знакомую


[Закрыть] on the platform, and had gone with her into a first-class apartment. When he arrived to his station, he explained to the conductor everything, and, with his purse in his hand, demanded to know the difference. They took him into a room and locked the door. After that they sent for a policeman.

The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour. They did not believe the story about the lady. Where was the lady? He did not know. They searched the neighbourhood for her, but could not find her. The policeman suggested to search my poor friend for bombs[78]78
  to search my poor friend for bombs – обыскать моего бедного друга на предмет наличия бомбы


[Закрыть]. Fortunately, a Cook's agent[79]79
  a Cook's agent – представитель агентства путешествий Кука


[Закрыть], with some tourists, arrived on the platform, and explained in delicate language that my friend was a bit stupid and could not distinguish first class from second. It was the red cushions that had deceived my friend: he thought it was first class, as a matter of fact[80]80
  as a matter of fact – как водится


[Закрыть] it was second class.

But the conductor wanted to know about the lady—who had travelled in a second-class with a first-class ticket. And the man of Cook was clever again. He explained that my friend was also a liar. When he said he had travelled with this lady he was merely boasting. He just wanted to travel with her, but his German was not perfect. So my friend's reputation was re-established. He was not the gangster—only, apparently, a traveling idiot.

Not only the foreign man, woman and child, but the foreign dog is born good. In England, if have a dog, you spend much of your time is to drag the dog out of fights, to quarrel with the possessor of the other dog, to explain to irate elderly lady that your dog did not kill her. With the foreign dog, life is a peaceful. When the foreign dog sees a row, tears come to its eyes: the dog hastens to find a policeman. When the foreign dog sees a cat in a hurry, it stands aside. They dress the foreign dog—some of them—in a little coat, with a pocket for its handkerchief, and put shoes on its feet. They have not given it a hat—not yet. When they do, the dog will raise it politely when it meets a cat.

One morning, in a Continental city, a fox-terrier came across me[81]81
  came across me – наскочил на меня


[Закрыть]. After that I felt its teeth. A fox-terrier belonged to a very young lady. The poor girl was shouting all the way. When she looked round and saw all the things that had happened, she burst into tears. An English owner of that fox-terrier normally will jump upon the nearest tram. But, as I have said, the foreigner is born good. Seven different people were writing down her address.

But I want to talk about the dog. A policeman ran to catch the dog. The delighted dog rushed backwards, it was barking. I told that dog what I thought of him.

I forgot that I was in a foreign land—said my words in English, they were very loud and clear. The dog stood a yard in front of me, it was listening to me with an expression of ecstatic joy.

“Where have I heard that song before? Say it again! Oh! say it again, the dear old English oaths and curses!”

I learnt from the young lady that her dog was an English-born fox-terrier. That explained everything. The foreign dog does not do this sort of thing[82]82
  does not do this sort of thing – не способна на нечто подобное


[Закрыть]. The foreigner is born good: that is why we hate him.

The Man Who Would Manage
Jerome K. Jerome

They say–and I can believe it–that at nineteen months of age he wept because his grandmother did not allow him to feed her with a spoon, and that at three and a half he was trying to teach a frog to swim.

Two years later he nearly injured his left eye, when he was showing the cat how to carry kittens safely, and about the same period he was dangerously hurt by a bee when he was trying to replace it from one flower to another, where, as he thought, there was more honey.

His desire was always to help others. He could spend whole mornings explaining to elderly hens how to hatch eggs[83]83
  how to hatch eggs – как нести яйца


[Закрыть], and he cancelled his afternoon's walk to sit at home and crack nuts for his pet squirrel. Before he was seven he was arguing with his mother upon the management of children[84]84
  upon the management of children — на тему того, как следует обращаться с детьми


[Закрыть], and reprove his father for incorrect education.

As a child he liked to mind other children[85]85
  to mind other children – присматривать за другими детьми


[Закрыть]. It was not important to him whether the other children were older than himself or younger, stronger or weaker, whenever and wherever he found them he began to mind them. Once, during a school treat, the teacher heard piteous cries from a distant part of the wood. The teacher discovered him upon the ground, his cousin, a boy twice his own weight[86]86
  twice his own weight – в два раза тяжелее его


[Закрыть], was sitting upon him and steadily whacking him. The teacher rescued him and asked:

“Why don't you play with the little boys? What are you doing with him?”

“Please, sir,” was the answer, “I was minding him.”

He was a good-natured lad, and at school he was always allowing the whole class to copy from his paper. Unfortunately, his answers were awfully wrong, and the result to his followers was bad. So they were waiting for him outside later and punching him.

All his energies went to the instruction of others. He took young boys to his house taught them to box.

“Now, try and hit me on the nose,” he offered. “Don't be afraid. Hit as hard as you can.”

And they did it. When he had recovered from his surprise, and a little lessened the bleeding[87]87
  a little lessened the bleeding – немного унял кровотечение


[Закрыть], he explained to them how they had done it all wrong.

Twice at golf he lamed himself[88]88
  he lamed himself – калечил себе ногу


[Закрыть] for over a week, when he was showing how to play. After that he had a long argument with the umpire.

During a stormy Channel passage[89]89
  Channel passage – переезд через Ла-Манш


[Закрыть], he rushed excitedly upon the bridge in order to inform the captain that he had “just seen a light about two miles away to the left”; and when he is on the top of an omnibus he generally sits beside the driver, and shows him how to drive.

It was upon an omnibus where I met him. I was sitting behind two ladies when the conductor came up to collect fares. One of them gave him a sixpence and told him to take to Piccadilly Circus[90]90
  Piccadilly Circus – Пикадилли-серкус, площадь и транспортная развязка в центральном Лондоне.


[Закрыть], which was twopence.

“No,” said the other lady to her friend, and gave the man a shilling, “I owe you sixpence, you give me fourpence and I'll pay for the two.”

The conductor took the shilling, gave two twopenny tickets, and then began to think about the change.

“That's right,” said the lady who had spoken last, “give my friend fourpence.”

The conductor did so.

“Now you give that fourpence to me.”

The friend handed it to her.

“And you,” she concluded to the conductor, “give me eightpence, then we shall be all right.”

The conductor gave her the eightpence–the sixpence he had taken from the first lady, with a penny and two halfpennies[91]91
  two halfpennies – две монеты по полпенни


[Закрыть] out of his own bag–distrustfully, and retired, muttering something about calculation.

“Now,” said the elder lady to the younger, “I owe you a shilling.”

I thought the incident closed, when suddenly a florid gentleman on the opposite seat said loudly:–

“Hi, conductor! you've cheated these ladies out of fourpence.”

“What about fourpence, then?” replied the indignant conductor from the top of the steps, “it was a twopenny fare.”

“Two twopences don't make eightpence,” retorted the florid gentleman hotly. “How much did you give the conductor, my dear?” he asked the first of the young ladies.

“I gave him sixpence,” replied the lady. “And then I gave you fourpence, you know,” she said to her companion.

“Expensive tickets, aren't they?” noticed a common-looking man[92]92
  a common-looking man – человек простоватой наружности


[Закрыть] on the seat behind.

“Oh, that's impossible, dear,” returned the other, “because I owed you sixpence in the beginning.”

“But I did,” persisted the first lady.

“You gave me a shilling,” said the conductor, who had returned. He was pointing an accusing forefinger at the elder of the ladies.

The elder lady nodded.

“And I gave you sixpence and two pennies, didn't I?”

The lady admitted it.

“And I gave her”–he pointed towards the younger lady–“fourpence, didn't I?”

“Which I gave you, you know, dear,” remarked the younger lady.

“So, that's me!… That's me!… You cheated me out of the fourpence,” cried the conductor.

“But,” said the florid gentleman, “the other lady gave you sixpence.”

“Which I give to her,” replied the conductor. He pointed again his finger at the elder lady. “You can search my bag if you like. I do not have that sixpence on me!”

By this time everybody had forgotten what they had done, and contradicted themselves and one another. The conductor had called a policeman and had taken the names and addresses of the two ladies, intending to sue them for the fourpence (which they wanted to pay, but which the florid man did not allow them to do). The younger lady became convinced that the elder lady wanted to cheat her, and the elder lady was in tears.

The florid gentleman and myself continued to Charing Cross Station[93]93
  Charing Cross Station – Чаринг-Кросс, перекрёсток главных улиц Вестминстера с южной стороны Трафальгарской площади. Это место считается географическим центром Лондона.


[Закрыть]. At the booking office window I learned that we were buying the tickets for the same station, and we journeyed together. He talked about the fourpence all the way.

At my gate we shook hands, and he expressed delight at the discovery that we were neighbours. What attracted him to myself I did not understand, because he had bored me considerably. Later I learned that he was charmed with anyone who did not openly insult him.

Three days afterwards he burst into my study.

“I met the postman as I was walking,” he said, and gave me a blue envelope, “and he gave me this, for you.”

I saw it was an application for the water-rate[94]94
  an application for the water-rate – счёт за воду


[Закрыть].

“But look,” he continued. “That's for water to the 29th September. You've no right to pay it in June.”

I replied that I must pay water-rates, and that it not important whether I pay in June or September.

“That's not it,” he answered, “it's the principle of the thing. Why will you pay for water you have never had? That's not fair! You pay for what you don't owe!”

He was a good talker, and I was silly enough to listen to him. By the end of half an hour he had persuaded me that the question was connected with the rights of man, and that if I pay that fourteen and tenpence in June instead of in September, I will be unworthy of my parents.

He showed me that the company was absolutely wrong, and I sat down and wrote an insulting letter to the chairman.

The secretary replied that they would treat it as a test case, and presumed that my solicitors would accept service on my behalf[95]95
  on my behalf – от моего имени, в моих интересах


[Закрыть].

When I showed him this letter he was delighted.

“You leave it to me,” he said, “and we'll teach them a lesson.”

I left it to him. My only excuse is that at the time I was very busy. I was writing a play. The little sense that I possessed, I suppose, was absorbed by the play.

The magistrate's[96]96
  a magistrate – мировой судья


[Закрыть] decision damped my words, but he became even more courageous. Magistrates, he said, were old fools. This was a matter for a judge.

The judge was a kindly old gentleman, and said he did not think he could allow the company their costs, so that, I paid only fifty pounds: original fourteen and tenpence.

Afterwards our friendship waned, but we were living in the same suburb, I saw him quite often.

At parties of all kinds he was particularly prominent, and on such occasions, when he was in his most good-natured mood, he was especially dangerous. No man worked harder for the enjoyment of others.

One Christmas[97]97
  Christmas – Рождество


[Закрыть] afternoon I visited a friend. And I found fourteen or fifteen elderly ladies and gentlemen round a row of chairs in the centre of the drawing-room while Poppleton[98]98
  Poppleton – Поплтон


[Закрыть] played the piano. From time to time they changed their places and one person was leaving the room. I stood by the door and was watching the weird scene. Presently an escaped guest came towards me, and I asked him what the ceremony meant.

“Don't ask me,” he answered. “Some of Poppleton's damned tomfoolery[99]99
  damned tomfoolery – дурацкая выдумка


[Закрыть].” Then he added, “We will play forfeits[100]100
  play forfeits – играть в фанты


[Закрыть] after this.”

The servant was still waiting a favourable opportunity to announce me. I gave her a shilling and asked not to do that, then I got away.

Poppleton knew enough games to open a small club. Just as you were in the middle of an interesting discussion, or a delightful conversation with a pretty woman, he liked to appear and say: “Come along, we're going to play literary consequences[101]101
  literary consequences – литературная викторина


[Закрыть]. He was dragging you to the table, and putting a piece of paper and a pencil before you. He was asking you to write a description of your favourite heroine in fiction, and he checked if you really did it.

He worked a lot. It was always he who volunteered to escort the old ladies to the station, and who never left them until he had placed them safely into the wrong train. He played “wild beasts” with the children, and frighten them enormously.

So he was the kindest man in the world. He never visited poor sick persons without something in his pocket, some little delicacy which was forbidden by the doctor and which mad them worse. He loved to manage a wedding. Once he planned matters so that the bride arrived three-quarters of an hour before the groom, and that was a terrible day for her, and once he forgot the clergyman. But he was always ready to admit when he made a mistake.

At funerals, also, he was pointing out to the grief-stricken[102]102
  grief-stricken – убитый горем


[Закрыть] relatives how much better it was for all that the man was dead, and expressing a pious hope that they would soon join him.

The best delight of his life, however, was to take part in other people's quarrels. No quarrel was complete without him. He generally came in as mediator[103]103
  mediator – примиритель


[Закрыть], and finished as a witness.

As a journalist or politician his wonderful grasp of other people's business could help him a lot. But the error he made was like this: he was trying to work it out in practice[104]104
  to work it out in practice – применять это на практике


[Закрыть].