Текст книги "Смешные рассказы / The Funny Stories"

The Siamese Twins
Mark Twain

I do not wish to write of the personal habits of these strange creatures solely, but also of certain curious details of various kinds concerning them. Knowing the Twins intimately, I feel that I am peculiarly well qualified for the task I have taken upon myself.

The Siamese Twins are naturally tender and affectionate indisposition, and have clung to each other with singular fidelity throughout a long and eventful life. Even as children they were inseparable companions; and it was noticed that they always seemed to prefer each other's society to that of any other persons. They nearly always played together; and, their mother was so accustomed to this peculiarity, that, whenever both of them chanced to be lost, she usually only hunted for one of them. She knew that when she found that one she would find his brother somewhere in the immediate neighborhood.

As men, the Twins have not always lived in perfect accord; but still there has always been a bond between them which made them unwilling to go away from each other. They have even occupied the same house, and it is believed that they have never failed to even sleep together on any night since they were born. The Twins always go to bed at the same time; but Chang usually gets up about an hour before his brother. Chang does all the indoor work and Eng runs all the errands. This is because Eng likes to go out. However, Chang always goes along. Eng is a Baptist, but Chang is a Roman Catholic; still, to please his brother, Chang agreed to be baptized at the same time that Eng was, on condition that it should not “count.” During the war they were strong partisans, and both fought – Eng on the Union side and Chang on the Confederate. They took each other prisoners at Seven Oaks, but the proofs of capture were so evenly balanced in favor of each, that a general army court had to be assembled to determine which one was properly the captor and which the captive. The jury agreed to consider them both prisoners, and then exchange them. [174]174
  …have never failed to even sleep together on any night since they were born – …ни ночи с самого рождения они не спали порознь.


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Upon one occasion the brothers quarreled about something, and Chang knocked Eng down, and then tripped and fell on him. Both began to beat each other without mercy. The bystanders interfered, and tried to separate them, but they could not do it, and so allowed them to fight it out. In the end both were carried to the hospital.

Their ancient habit of going always together had its drawbacks when they grew up, and entered upon the luxury of courting. Both fell in love with the same girl. Each tried to steal clandestine interviews with her, but at the critical moment the other would always turn up. By and by Eng saw that Chang had won the girl's affection; and, from that day, he had to live with the agony of being a witness to all their cooing. But with a supernatural generosity, he succumbed to his fate, and sat from seven every evening until two in the morning, listening to the fond foolishness and kisses of the two lovers. But he sat patiently, and waited, and yawned for two o'clock to come. And he took long walks with the lovers on moonlight evenings – sometimes walking ten miles, even though he was usually suffering from rheumatism. Eng cordially wanted them married, and done with it; but although Chang often asked the important question, the young lady could not gather sufficient courage to answer it while Eng was by. However, once, after having walked some sixteen miles, and sat up till nearly daylight, Eng dropped asleep from exhaustion, and then the question was asked and answered. The lovers were married. All acquainted with the circumstance applauded the noble brother-in-law. His faithfulness was the theme of every conversation. He had stayed by them all through their long courtship; and when at last they were married, he lifted his hands above their heads, and said, “Bless you, my children, I will never desert you!” and he kept his word. Fidelity like this is all too rare in this cold world.

By and by Eng fell in love with his sister-in-law's sister, and married her, and since that day they have all lived together, night and day.

The sympathy existing between these two brothers is so close that the feelings and the emotions of the one are instantly experienced by the other. When one is sick, the other is sick; when one feels pain, the other feels it; when one is angry, the other's temper takes fire.

At the same time, Chang belongs to the Good Templars, and is a hard-working, enthusiastic supporter of all temperance reforms, but every now and then Eng gets drunk, and, of course, that makes Chang drunk too. This has been a great sorrow to Chang. Eng always walks alongside of him in temperance processions, drunk as a lord, yet no more hopelessly drunk than his brother, who has not tasted a drop. And so the two begin to yell, and throw mud and bricks at the Good Templars; and, of course, they break up the procession. It would be wrong to punish Chang for what Eng does, and, therefore, the Good Templars accept the situation, and suffer in silence and sorrow. [175]175
  Good Templars – Орден добрых тамплиеров (занимается пропагандой здорового образа жизни, отказа от наркомании и алкоголизма, по нынешний день работает в нескольких европейских странах)


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There is a moral in these solemn warnings. Let us profit by it.

I could say more of an instructive nature about these interesting beings, but let what I have written suffice.

Having forgotten to mention it sooner, I will remark in conclusion that the ages of the Siamese Twins are fifty-one and fifty-three years.

How I Edited an Agricultural Paper (Once)
Mark Twain

I did not take temporary editorship of an agricultural paper without misgivings. But I was in circumstances that made the salary an object. The regular editor of the paper was going off for a holiday, and I accepted the terms he offered, and took his place.

The sensation of being at work again was luxurious, and I worked all the week with pleasure. We went to press, and I waited a day to see whether my effort was going to attract any notice. As I left the office in the evening, a group of men and boys at the foot of the stairs gave me passageway, and I heard one or two of them say: “That's him!” I was naturally pleased by this incident. The next morning I found a similar group at the foot of the stairs, and couples and individuals standing here and there in the street, and over the way, watching me with interest. I heard one man say, “Look at his eye!” I pretended not to observe the attention I was attracting, but secretly I was pleased with it. I went up the stairs, and heard cheery voices and a laugh as I approached the door. I opened it and saw two young rural-looking men, whose faces went pale when they saw me, and then they both jumped through the window with a great crash. I was surprised.

In about half an hour an old gentleman entered, and sat down at my invitation. He seemed to have something on his mind. He took off his hat and set it on the floor, and got out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of our paper.

He put the paper on his lap and said, “Are you the new editor?”

I said I was.

“Have you ever edited an agricultural paper before?”

“No,” I said; “this is my first attempt.”

“I thought so. Have you had any experience in agriculture practically?”

“No. I believe I have not.”

“Some instinct told me so,” said the old gentleman, putting on his spectacles, and looking over them at me, while he folded his paper into a convenient shape. “I wish to read you what must have made me have that instinct. Listen, and see if it was you that wrote it: 'Turnips should never be pulled, it injures them. It is much better to send a boy up and let him shake the tree.' ”

“Now, what do you think of that?—for I really suppose you wrote it?”

“Think of it? Why, I think it is good. I have no doubt that every year millions and millions of turnips are spoiled in this township alone by being pulled in a half-ripe condition, when, if they had sent a boy to shake the tree… “

“Shake your grandmother! Turnips don't grow on trees!”

“Oh, don't they? Well, who said they did? The language was intended to be figurative. Anybody that knows anything will know that I meant that the boy should shake the vine.”

Then this old person got up and tore his paper all into small pieces, and stamped on them, and broke several things with his cane, and said I did not know as much as a cow; and then went out, and, in short, acted in such a way that I felt that he was displeased about something. But not knowing what the trouble was, I could not be any help to him.

Pretty soon after this a long creature, with thin locks hanging down to his shoulders, entered the office and halted, motionless, with finger on lip, and head and body bent in listening attitude. No sound was heard. Still he listened. No sound. Then he turned the key in the door, and tiptoed toward me. He was within long reaching distance of me, when he stopped. He scanned my face with interest for a while, drew a folded copy of our paper from his bosom, and said:

“There, you wrote that. Read it to me, quick! I suffer.”

I read as follows; and as I did so, I could see the anxiety go out of his face:

“The guano is a fine bird, but great care is necessary in rearing it. It should not be imported earlier than June or later than September. In winter it should be kept in a warm place, where it can hatch out its young.

“Concerning the pumpkin. This berry is a favorite with the natives of New England, who prefer it to the gooseberry for the making of fruit-cake, and who prefer it to the raspberry for feeding cows…

The excited listener sprang toward me to shake hands, and said, “There, there, that will do. I know I am all right now, because you have read it just as I did, word for word. But, stranger, when I first read it this morning, I said to myself, I never, never believed it before, and my friends kept me under watch so strict, but now I believe I am crazy. With that I started out to kill somebody—because, you know, I knew it would come to that sooner or later. I read one of the paragraphs over again, so as to be certain, and then I burned my house down and started. I have crippled several people, and have got one fellow up a tree, where I can get him if I want him. But I thought I would call in here as I passed along and make the thing perfectly certain. And now it is certain, and I tell you it is lucky for the chap that is in the tree. I should kill him, sure, as I go back. Goodbye, sir, good-bye, thank you for the article.”

I felt a little uncomfortable about the cripplings and arsons this person had been entertaining himself with. I could not help feeling remotely related to them. But then the regular editor walked in!

The editor was looking sad and perplexed.

“This is a sad business—a very sad business. The reputation of the paper is injured—and permanently, I fear. True, the paper never sold such a large edition or soared to such celebrity; but does one want to be famous for lunacy? My friend, as I am an honest man, the street out here is full of people, waiting to get a glimpse of you, because they think you crazy. And well they might after reading your editorials. Why, what put it into your head that you could edit a paper of this nature? You do not seem to know anything agriculture. Ah, heavens and earth, friend! I want you to throw up your situation and go. I want no more holiday. Certainly not with you in my chair. It makes me lose all patience every time I think of your discussing oyster-beds under the head of 'Landscape Gardening.' Oh! why didn't you tell me you didn't know anything about agriculture?”

“Tell you, you cabbage, you son of a cauliflower? I tell you I have been in the editorial business for 14 years, and it is the first time I ever heard of a man's having to know anything in order to edit a newspaper. You turnip! Who review the books? People who never wrote one. Who criticize the Indian campaigns? Gentlemen who do not know a war-whoop from a wigwam, and who never have had to pluck arrows out of the several members of their families to build the evening camp-fire with. Who write the temperance appeals? Folks who will never draw another sober breath till their grave. Who edit the agricultural papers, you? Men, as a general thing, who fail in the poetry line, novel line, drama line, city-editor line, and finally end up with articles on agriculture. You try to tell me anything about the newspaper business! I tell you that the less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes. I leave, sir. Since I have been treated as you have treated me, I am perfectly willing to go. But I have done my duty. I have fulfilled my contract as far as I was permitted to do it. I said I could make your paper of interest to all classes—and I have. I said I could run your circulation up to 20,000 copies, and if I had had two more weeks I'd have done it. You are the loser by this rupture, not me, Pie-plant. Adios.”

I then left.

Англо-русский словарь

A

abandon – покидать; оставлять

ability – способность

able – способный

about – о, об; около

abroad – за границей; за границу

abruptly – резко; отрывисто

absence – отсутствие

absently – рассеянно

absolutely – безусловно; совершенно

absorb – поглощать

absurd – нелепый, абсурдный

accept – принимать

access – доступ, подход

accident – несчастный случай; случайность

accompany – сопровождать

accuse – обвинять; предъявлять обвинение

ache – боль; болеть

acquaintance – знакомый

across – через

action – деятельность; действие; поступок

add – добавлять

address – адрес; адресовать, обращаться

admiration – восхищение, восторг

admire – восхищать(ся); уважать; обожать

admiringly – восхищённо, с восхищением

admit – допускать; признавать

admonish – убеждать, наставлять, предостерегать

adorn – украшать

advantage – преимущество

adventure – приключение

adventurer – искатель приключений

advertise – рекламировать

advertisement – реклама, объявление

advice – совет

affair – дело

afford – быть в состоянии; позволить себе

afraid – испуганный

after – после

aftermath – последствия

afternoon – время после полудня

afterward(s) – впоследствии, потом, позже

again – опять

against – против

age – возраст

agitator – агитатор, подстрекатель

ago – тому назад

agree – соглашаться

agreement – согласие, соглашение

agricultural – сельскохозяйственный

aimlessly – бесцельно

air – воздух, ветер; вид

airily – легкомысленно, беззаботно; легко

ajar – приоткрытый

alarm – сигнал; встревожить, насторожить

alarmed – встревоженный

alas – увы!

alive – живой

all – все, всё

allow – позволять

allure – очаровывать, манить, привлекать

ally – союзник

almost – почти

alone – один, одинокий

along – вдоль

already – уже

also – также

alter – изменять, переделывать; измениться

alternate – чередовать(ся)

alternative – альтернатива

always – всегда

amateurish – непрофессиональный, дилетантский

amateurishness – непрофессионализм

amaze – поражать, удивлять

amazement – изумление

amazing – изумительный

ambitious – амбициозный, целеустремлённый

amiable – дружелюбный; добродушный

among – среди; между, из числа; в числе

amount – количество

amuse – забавлять; развлекать

and – и, а

angel – ангел

angry – сердитый

animal – животное

announce – объявлять

annul – аннулировать, отменять

anonymous – анонимный, безымянный, неизвестный

another – другой, ещё один

answer – ответ; отвечать

antagonism – антагонизм, вражда

anti-social – необщительный, замкнутый

anxiety – тревога, беспокойство

any – какой-либо, какой бы то ни было; любой

anybody – кто-нибудь; кто-либо

anyhow – так или иначе; как-нибудь

anyone – кто-нибудь; кто-либо

anything – что-нибудь; что-либо

apart – отдельно, в стороне

apathetic – апатичный, безразличный, равнодушный

apathetically – безразлично, равнодушно

apiece – за штуку, на каждого

apology – извинение

apparent – очевидный, явный

apparition – наваждение

appeal – взывать, обращаться

appearance – вид, наружность, внешность

appetite – аппетит

appointment – назначение

appreciate – оценивать, ценить; понимать

ardent – ярый, пылкий, страстный

argue – обсуждать, спорить

argument – ccора; спор

arm – рука

armed – вооружённый

around – вокруг

arrange – планировать; устраивать; приводить в порядок

array – надевать одежду

arrive – прибывать

articulation – произношение, артикуляция

artist – художник

as – как

ascetic – аскет, отшельник

ascribe – приписывать, придавать, относить

ashame – стыдить

aside – в стороне; в сторону

ask – спрашивать; просить

asleep – спящий

asperity – грубость, жёсткость (о характере)

ass – осёл, глупец, упрямец

assault – оскорблять, нападать

assemble – собирать

assent – соглашаться

assure – уверять; заверять; убеждаться

astonish – удивлять, изумлять

at – у, при

attempt – пытаться; попытка

attention – внимание

attitude – отношение

attract – притягивать, привлекать

audience – публика

authoritatively – авторитетно

avoid – избегать

away – прочь

awe – трепет; благоговение

awful – ужасный

awfully – ужасно

awkward – неуклюжий, неловкий

awkwardly – неуклюже

awoke – разбудил, проснулся (рast от to awake)

B

babyish – ребяческий, детский

bachelor – холостяк

back – спина; назад

background – задний план; фон

backwards – назад; задом

bad – плохой

bag – мешок; сумка

ball – шар

band – (музыкальная) группа

bang – удар, стук; шататься, заниматься бездельем; ударять, стучать; Don't bang the door не хлопай дверью

bark – лаять

barrel – бочка

baseball – бейсбол

basketball – баскетбол

bathroom – ванная (комната)

battle – битва, схватка

be (was / were, been) – быть

bead – бусина

bean – боб, фасоль

bear (bore, borne) – нести, выносить

beast – животное

beat (beat, beaten) – бить

beautiful – красивый

became – становился, стал (рast от to become)

because – потому что

become (became, become) – становиться

bed – кровать

Bedlam – Бедлам; перен. сумасшедший дом

bee – пчела

been – p. p. от to be

beer – пиво

before – раньше, прежде; перед

beg – просить; умолять

began – начал (past oт to begin)

begin (began, begun) – начинать

behind – позади, сзади

being – существо

believe – верить; полагать, считать

bell – колокольчик

belong – принадлежать

benignant – добрый, мягкий, великодушный

beside – рядом; около

besides – кроме того

best – лучше всего; лучший

bet – биться об заклад, делать ставку

better – лучше

between – между

beware – остерегаться, опасаться

bewilder – ставить в тупик; смущать, озадачивать

bewitch – околдовывать, очаровывать, завораживать

beyond – за, за пределы

Bible – Библия

big – большой

bill – счёт, купюра

bird – птица

bit – кусок, кусочек; чуть-чуть

bite – укус; кусать

bitter – горький

bitterly – горько; с горечью

bizarre – странный, причудливый, необычный, диковинный

black – чёрный

blacken – чернеть

blacksmith – кузнец

blame – осуждать, обвинять

blank – пустой; чистый

blanket – одеяло

blaze – сиять, сверкать, пылать; гореть ярким пламенем

blind – слепой

blond – белокурый, светловолосый; блондин

blood – кровь

bloodhound – ищейка, сыщик

blow – удар

blue – синий

blunder – промах, просчёт; грубо ошибаться, совершать промах

blunt – прямой; резкий

bluntly – тупо

board – доска; борт

boast – хвастаться, гордиться

boat – лодка; кататься на лодке

body – тело

boil – кипение; кипятить(ся); варить(ся)

book – книга

book-case – книжный шкаф

border – ограничивать

boring – скучный

born – рождённый

both – оба

bought – past и p. p. от to buy

box – ящик, коробка

box – дать оплеуху

boy – мальчик

brain – мозг

branch – ветвь

bread – хлеб

breadth – ширина, широта (взглядов, кругозора)

breakfast – завтрак

breast – грудь

breath – дыхание; вздох

breathe – дышать

brick – кирпич

bride – невеста

bridge – мост

brief – короткий, краткий, лаконичный

bright – светлый, яркий

brilliant – блестящий; сверкающий; совершенный; великолепный

bring (brought, brought) – приносить

briskly – быстро; бодро, оживлённо

British – британский

broad – широкий

brother – брат

brow – бровь

brunette – брюнетка

bubble – пузырь

bulky – громоздкий, большой, массивный

bull – бык

bulldog – бульдог

bunch – пучок, связка; букет

bundle – связка

burst – разрываться, взрываться; burst into tears расплакаться; burst into ворваться; burst out внезапно начинать

bury – хоронить; зарывать

bushy – покрытый кустарником; кустистый; густой

busily – деловито, настойчиво

business – дело; бизнес

businesslike – деловой, исполнительный

businessman – бизнесмен; коммерсант

busy – занятый

but – но

butcher – мясник

buy (bought, bought) – покупать

by – посредством, около, у