Текст книги "Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения"

Intimidated (испугавшись), the group of people began to leave (группа людей начала расходиться), casting puzzled stares (бросая озадаченные взгляды) in his direction (в его сторону).

Proud of his first official act (гордый своим первым служебным действием/поступком), the young policeman turned to his partner and asked (молодой полицейский повернулся к своему напарнику и спросил), “Well, how did I do (ну, как я проделал /это/)?”

“Pretty good (очень хорошо),” chuckled the vet (захихикал «бывалый»; vet = veteran), “especially since this is a bus stop (особенно если учесть, что это автобусная остановка: «особенно поскольку это автобусная остановка»).”

experienced [ɪk'spɪǝrɪǝnst], disperse [dɪ'spɜ:s], observed [ǝb'zɜ:vd], especially [ɪs'peʃ(ǝ)lɪ]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let's get off the corner people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let's get off that corner… NOW!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

• Pretty good.

37. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) (отделение полиции), the FBI (ФБР /= Federal Bureau of Investigation – Федеральное бюро расследований/), and the CIA (ЦРУ /= Central Intelligence Agency – Центральное разведывательное управление/) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals (все пытаются доказать, что они лучшие в поимке преступников; to apprehend – понимать, схватывать; чувствовать; задерживать, арестовывать). The President decides to give them a test (президент решает устроить для них тест/проверку). He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it (он выпускает кролика в лес, и каждая из них = каждая организация должна поймать его).

The CIA goes in (вступает). They place animal informants throughout the forest (они внедряют животных-информаторов по всему лесу). They question all plant and mineral witnesses (они допрашивают всех растительных и минеральных свидетелей). After three months of extensive investigations (после трех месяцев усиленных поисков; extensive – расширенный; investigation – исследование, расследование) they conclude that rabbits do not exist (они делают вывод: «заключают», что кроликов не существует).

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads (ни к чему не приведших), they burn the forest (они поджигают/сжигают лес), killing everything in it (убив всех в нем), including the rabbit (включая кролика), and they make no apologies (и не приносят никаких извинений).

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later (выходят два часа спустя) with a badly beaten bear (с сильно побитым медведем). The bear is yelling (вопит): “Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit (я кролик)!”

police [pǝ'li:s], department [dɪ'pɑ:tmǝnt], prove [pru:v], apprehending [,æprɪ'hendɪŋ], criminals ['krɪmɪn(ǝ)lz], releases [rɪ'li:sɪz], forest ['fɒrɪst], witnesses ['wɪtnǝsɪz], extensive [ɪk'stensɪv], investigations [ɪn,vestɪ'ɡeɪʃ(ǝ)nz], conclude [kǝn'klu:d], apologies [ǝ'pɒlǝʤɪz]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!”

38. A police officer pulls over the guy (полицейский останавливает человека) who had been weaving in and out of the lanes (который заезжал за полосы туда и обратно; to weave-wove-woven – качаться, покачиваться; ехать зигзагами). He goes up (подходит) to the guy's window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube (сэр, мне нужно, чтобы вы дохнули в эту дыхательную пробирку).”

The man says, “Sorry (простите), officer, I can't do that (я не могу этого сделать). I am an asthmatic (я астматик). If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack (если я это сделаю, у меня будет очень сильный астматический приступ).”

“Okay, fine (хорошо). I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample (мне нужно, чтобы вы поехали в полицию: «/полицейский/ участок» и сдали анализ крови).”

“I can't do that either (это я тоже не могу сделать). I am a hemophiliac (у меня гемофилия). If I do that, I'll bleed to death (если я это сделаю, я истеку кровью «до смерти»).”

“Well, then we need an urine sample (хорошо, тогда нам нужен анализ мочи).”

“I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic (я также диабетик). If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar (если я это сделаю, у меня будет очень мало сахара в крови; low – низкий).”

“All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line (хорошо, тогда мне нужно, чтобы вы вышли сюда и прошли по этой белой линии).”

“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not (почему)?”

“Because I'm too drunk to do that (потому что я слишком пьян, чтобы это сделать)!”

weaving ['wi:vɪŋ], breathalyzer ['breθǝ,laɪzǝ], tube [tju:b], officer ['ɒfɪsǝ], asthmatic [æs'θmætɪk; æs'mætɪk], asthma ['æsθmǝ; 'æsmǝ], attack [ǝ'tæk], death [deθ], urine ['jʋǝrɪn], diabetic [,daɪǝ'betɪk], sugar ['ʃʋɡǝ], because [bɪ'kɒz]

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need an urine sample.”

“I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm too drunk to do that!”

• Why not?

39. A man went to the Police Station (человек пришел в полицейский участок) wishing to speak with the burglar (желая побеседовать с грабителем) who had broken into his house the night before (который влез в его дом накануне ночью).

“You'll get your chance in court (у вас будет эта возможность в суде),” said the sergeant (сказал сержант).

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know (я хочу знать) how he got into the house without waking my wife (как он попал в дом, не разбудив моей жены). I've been trying to do that for years (я пытался это сделать /многие/ годы)!”

station ['steɪʃ(ǝ)n], before [bɪ'fɔ:], sergeant ['sɑ:ʤ(ǝ)nt], without [wɪ'ðaʋt]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You'll get your chance in court,” said the sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!”

• I've been trying to do that for years!

40. Two robbers were robbing a hotel (два вора грабили отель). The first one said (первый сказал), “I hear sirens. Jump (я слышу сирены; прыгай)!”

The second one (второй) said, “But we're on the 13th floor (но мы на 13-м этаже)!”

The first one screamed back (прокричал в ответ), “This is no time to be superstitious (нет времени быть суеверными).”

hotel [hǝʋ'tel], sirens ['saɪǝrǝnz], floor [flɔ:], superstitious [,su:pǝ'stɪʃǝs]

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”

The second one said, “But we're on the 13th floor!”

The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”

• This is no time to be superstitious!

41. A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations (клиент госпиталя, где делали пересадку: «пересадки» мозга) asked about the prices (спрашивал о расценках).

The doctor said, “Well, this Ph.D. brain costs (ну, этот мозг доктора философии стоит; Ph.D. = Doctor of Philosophy) $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist (этот мозг принадлежал главному ученому НАСА; NASA = National Aeronautics and Space Administration – Национальное управление по аэронавтике и исследованию космического пространства) and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000 (здесь у нас также есть мозг полицейского; он стоит 50 000).”

The client asked, “What? How's that possible (что? как это возможно = может быть)?”

The doctor replied, “You see, it's totally unused (вы видите, он абсолютно не использован).”

transplantations [,trænsplɑ:n'teɪʃ(ǝ)nz], belonged [bɪ'lɒŋd], scientist ['saɪǝntɪst], possible ['pɒsǝbl], unused [ʌn'ju:zd]

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, “Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.”

The client asked, “What? How's that possible?”

The doctor replied, “You see, it's totally unused.”

• What? How's that possible?

42. John was driving when a policeman pulled him over (Джон вел машину, когда полицейский его остановил). He rolled down his window and said to the officer (он опустил стекло и сказал офицеру), “Is there a problem, Officer (какая-то проблема, офицер)?”

“No problem at all (абсолютно никаких проблем). I just observed your safe driving (я просто наблюдал за вашим безопасным/осторожным вождением) and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award (и рад наградить вас Премией за безопасное вождение в 5000 долларов). Congratulations (поздравляю: «/мои/ поздравления»). What do you think you're going to do with the money (что вы думаете делать с деньгами)?”

John thought for a minute (подумал минутку) and said, “Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license (ну, я думаю, я пойду получу /все же/ водительские права).”

congratulations [kǝn,ɡræʧʋ'leɪʃ(ǝ)nz; kǝn,ɡrætjʋ'leɪʃ(ǝ)nz], minute /минута/ ['mɪnɪt], license ['laɪs(ǝ)ns]

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?”

John thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license.”

• Is there a problem?

• What do you think you're going to do with the money?

• Well, I guess I'll get the driver's license.

43. A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car (блондинка позвонила в полицию заявить, что воры побывали в ее машине). “They've stolen the dashboard (они украли приборную доску; to steal-stole-stolen), the steering wheel (рулевое колесо = руль; to steer – управлять), the brake pedal (педаль тормоза), even the accelerator (даже акселератор),” she cried out (выкрикнула).

However (однако), before the police investigation could start (перед тем, как полицейское расследование могло начаться), the phone rang a second time (телефон зазвонил второй раз; to ring-rang-rung) and the same voice (и тот же голос) came over the line (появился на линии). “Never mind (забудьте/не обращайте внимания; never – никогда; to mind – помнить, заботиться; the mind – разум;), I got in the back seat by mistake (я села на заднее сиденье по ошибке).”

report [rɪ'pɔ:t], pedal ['ped(ǝ)l], accelerator [ǝk'selǝreɪtǝ], mind [maɪnd], mistake [mɪ'steɪk]

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

• Never mind.

• I did that by mistake.

44. A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time (полицейский замечает женщину, ведущую машину и вяжущую одновременно; spot – точка; to spot – определять, замечать). Driving up beside her (подъехав к ней), he shouts out the window (он кричит из окна)… “Pull over (остановитесь; здесь игра слов: «остановиться» – «пуловер»; to pull over – остановиться /на обочине/; натягивать /например, свитер, пуловер/; pullover – пуловер, свитер)!”

“No,” she shouts back (она кричит в ответ), “a pair of socks (пара носков = носки)!”

knitting ['nɪtɪŋ], beside [bɪ'saɪd], pair [peǝ]

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!”

“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

45. Police Chief (начальник полиции): As a recruit (как новичок), you'll be faced with some difficult issues (вы встретитесь с некоторыми трудными вопросами). What would you do if you had to arrest your mother (чтобы вы сделали, если бы вы должны были арестовать вашу мать)?

New Recruit: Call for backup (вызвал бы подкрепление)!

recruit [rɪ'kru:t], difficult ['dɪfɪk(ǝ)lt], issues ['ɪʃu:; 'ɪsju:], arrest [ǝ'rest]

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

• You'll be faced with some difficult issues.

46. Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost (пятилетний Крошка Джонни потерялся; to lose), so he went up to a policeman and said (он подошел к полицейскому и сказал),

“I've lost my dad (я потерял моего папу)!”

The policeman said, “What's he like (/игра слов: to be like smb. or smth. – быть как, быть похожим на кого-либо, что-либо и to like smb. or smth. – любить кого-либо, что-либо/)?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women (пиво и женщин)!”

women ['wɪmɪn]

Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,

“I've lost my dad!”

The policeman said, “What's he like?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

• What's he like?

47. A Trooper (конный полицейский; trooper – кавалерист) pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver (останавливает машину на пустынной/глухой/отдаленной дороге и подходит к блондинке-водителю).

“Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road (мэм, есть ли причина, по которой вы петляете/едете зигзагами всю дорогу; to weave – ткать; плести)?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you're here (о, офицер, слава Богу, вы здесь)!! I almost had an accident (я почти попала в аварию)! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me (я посмотрела, и там было дерево, прямо напротив меня). I swerved to the left (я свернула налево) and there was another tree in front of me (и там было другое дерево напротив меня). I swerved to the right (направо) and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window (посмотрев через боковое окно) to the rear view mirror (в зеркало заднего вида), the officer replied, “Ma'am… that's your air freshener (мэм, это ваш освежитель воздуха).”

approaches [ǝ'prǝʋʧɪz], goodness ['ɡʋdnǝs], almost ['ɔ:lmǝʋst]

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

“Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma'am… that's your air freshener.”

• Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!

48. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers (сидя на обочине автострады, поджидая водителей, превышающих скорость /чтобы их ловить/), a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH (полицейский офицер штата видит машину, еле-еле двигающуюся со скоростью 22 мили в час; to putter – двигаться медленно, вяло; возиться).

He thinks to himself (он думает «про себя»), “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder (этот водитель так же опасен, как и тот, что едет слишком быстро; speed – скорость)!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over (и он включает лампочки и останавливает водителя).

Approaching the car (приблизившись к машине), he notices that there are five old ladies (он замечает, что там пять старых леди), two in the front seat and three in the back (две на передних сиденьях и три на заднем), wide-eyed and white as ghosts (с широко раскрытыми глазами и белые, как привидения).

The driver, obviously confused (явно смешавшись; obvious – очевидный), says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit (я не понимаю, я ехала точно согласно лимиту скорости)! What seems to be the problem (что представляется проблемой = в чем, собственно, дело)?”

“Ma'am,” the officer replies, “You weren't speeding (вы не гнали/не превысили скорости), but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers (но вы должны знать, что вождение медленнее лимита скорости может тоже представлять опасность для других водителей).”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour (нет, сэр, я ехала точно по лимиту скорости, 22 мили в час)!” the old woman says a bit proudly (с некоторой гордостью: «немножко гордо»).

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle (пытаясь сдержать смешок), explains to her (объясняет ей) that “22” was the route number (что «22» – это номер дороги), not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed (несколько растерянная/смущенная), the woman grinned (усмехнулась) and thanked (и поблагодарила) the officer for pointing out her error (за указание на ее ошибку).

“But before I let you go (но перед тем, как я вас отпущу), Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK (я должен спросить, все ли в этой машине нормально себя чувствуют)? These women (эти женщины) seem awfully shaken (кажутся крайне потрясенными) and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time (и они не издали ни звука за все это время; to mutter – бормотать; peep – писк),” the officer asks.

“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer (о, они будут в порядке через минуту, офицер). We just got off Route 142 (мы только что выехали с шоссе 142).”

dangerous ['deɪnʤ(ǝ)rǝs], ghost [ɡǝʋst], obviously ['ɒbvɪǝslɪ], confused [kǝn'fju:zd], explains [ɪk'spleɪnz], route [ru:t], embarrassed [ɪm'bærǝst], shaken ['ʃeɪk(ǝ)n], minute (минута) ['mɪnɪt]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma'am,” the officer replies, “You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.”

• What seems to be the problem?

49. A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек говорит взволнованно в телефон = по телефону; frantic – неистовый, лихорадочный), “My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart (и у нее схватки с промежутком всего лишь в две минуты; apart – в стороне, отдельно, порознь)!”

“Is this her first child (это ее первый ребенок)?” the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).

“No, you idiot (нет, вы идиот)!” the man shouts (кричит). “This is her husband (это ее муж)!”

pregnant ['preɡnǝnt], contractions [kǝn'trækʃ(ǝ)nz], apart [ǝ'pɑ:t], queries ['kwɪǝrɪz], idiot ['ɪdɪǝt]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

• No, you idiot!

50. A woman got on a bus holding a baby (женщина села в автобус, держа на руках ребенка).

The bus driver said (водитель автобуса сказал), “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen (это самый уродливый ребенок, какого я когда-либо видел).”

In a huff (в гневе; huff – вспышка гнева), the woman slammed her fare into the fare box (женщина швырнула деньги в ящик для оплаты проезда; to slam – хлопнуть /дверью/; швырнуть /со стуком/; fare – плата за проезд) and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus (и заняла сиденье около прохода в задней части автобуса).

The man seated next to her (человек, сидящий рядом с ней) sensed that she was agitated (почувствовал, что она взволнована) and asked her what was wrong (и спросил ее, что случилось: «что было неправильно»).

“The bus driver insulted me (водитель автобуса оскорбил меня),” she fumed (сказала, кипя от злости; fume – дым или пар /с сильным запахом/; to fume – дымить, окуривать).

The man sympathized (посочувствовал) and said, “Why, he's a public servant (да, ведь он общественный служащий) and shouldn't say things to insult passengers (и не должен говорить оскорбительные для пассажиров вещи: «вещи, чтобы оскорблять пассажиров»).”

“You're right (вы правы),” she said. “I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind (думаю, я вернусь туда и скажу ему все, что я думаю: «дам ему кусок моего разумения»).”

“That's a good idea (хорошая идея),” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey (давайте, я подержу вашу обезьянку).”

aisle [aɪl], agitated ['æʤɪteɪtɪd], insulted [ɪn'sʌltɪd], sympathized ['sɪmpǝθaɪzd], passengers ['pæs(ǝ)nʤǝz], piece [pi:s], idea [aɪ'dɪǝ], monkey ['mʌŋkɪ]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.”

“You're right,” she said. “I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That's a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

• What's wrong?

• You are right.

51. The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн).

“Everyone knows (все знают),” the mother lectured him (стала его поучать/отчитывать), “that from time to time (что время от времени), young children urinate in a pool.”

“Oh really (неужели)?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board (с трамплина: «с ныряльной доски»; to dive – прыгать в воду, нырять)!?!?”

lifeguard ['laɪfɡɑ:d], urinating ['jʋǝrɪneɪtɪŋ], lectured ['lekʧǝd]

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

“Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.”

“Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”

• Oh really?

52. The local sheriff was looking for a deputy (местный шериф искал заместителя), so Homer (и Гомер) – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket (который не был самым острым гвоздем в ведре = звезд с неба не хватал) – went in to try out for the job (пришел попробоваться на этот пост).

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled (шериф протянул), “Homer, what is 1 and 1 (сколько будет 1 и 1)?”

“11,” he replied (он = тот ответил).

The sheriff thought to himself (подумал про себя), “That's not what I meant, but he's right (это не то, что я имел в виду, но он прав; to mean).”

“What two days of the week start with the letter 'T' (какие два дня недели начинаются с буквы «Т»; имеются в виду Tuesday – вторник, Thursday – четверг)?”

“Today and tomorrow (сегодня и завтра).”

He was again surprised (он был опять удивлен) that Homer supplied a correct answer (дал: «предоставил» правильный ответ) that he had never thought of himself (до которого он сам никогда не додумывался).

“Now, Homer, listen carefully (слушай внимательно): Who killed (кто убил) Abraham Lincoln?”

Homer looked a little surprised himself (посмотрел несколько удивленно «сам» = в свою очередь), then thought really hard (затем действительно серьезно подумал) for a minute (с минуту) and finally admitted (и, наконец, признался), “I don't know (я не знаю).”

“Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while (ну, почему бы тебе не пойти домой и не поработать над этим пока что/какое-то время)?”

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall (вышел в холл бюро) where his pals (где его приятели) were waiting to hear the results of the interview (ждали, «чтобы услышать» результаты собеседования). Homer was exultant (ликующий).

“It went great (прошло замечательно)! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case (в первый день работы я уже работаю над делом об убийстве)!”

sheriff ['ʃerɪf], deputy ['depjʋtɪ], exactly [ɪɡ'zæktlɪ], meant [ment], surprised [sǝ'praɪzd], supplied [sǝ'plaɪd], correct [kǝ'rekt], admitted [ǝd'mɪtɪd], results [rɪ'zʌlts], exultant [ɪɡ'zʌltǝnt], great [ɡreɪt], already [ɔ:l'redɪ]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket – went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Homer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11,” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That's not what I meant, but he's right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now, Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don't know.”

“Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Homer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was exultant.

“It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!”

• That's not what I meant.

• It went great!

53. A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife (заключенный в тюрьме получил письмо от своей жены):

“I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden (я решила посадить салат в огороде). When is the best time to plant them (когда лучшее время сажать его)?”

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards (зная, что тюремные охранники) read all the mail (читают всю почту), replied in a letter (ответил в письме):

“Dear wife (милая жена), whatever you do (что бы ты ни делала), DO NOT touch the back garden (не трогай огород)! That is where I hid all the gold (там я спрятал все золото; to hide-hid-hidden).”

A week or so later (неделю или около того спустя), he received another (другое) letter from his wife:

“You wouldn't believe what happened (ты не поверишь, что случилось). Some men came with shovels (несколько мужчин пришли с лопатами) to the house (к дому), and dug up the whole back garden (и перекопали весь огород; to dig).”

The prisoner wrote (написал; to write-wrote-written) another letter:

“Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce (сейчас – лучшее время сажать салат)!”

lettuce ['letɪs], believe [bɪ'li:v], shovels ['ʃʌv(ǝ)lz],

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

“I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

“Dear wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

“You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter:

“Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!”

• You wouldn't believe what happened!

54. A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси), and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит /из нее/). The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park (вежливый/обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой).

“Oy Morris,” said grandma, “You've been going to that park for over 30 years (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет)! So how could you get lost (как ты мог потеряться; to lose)?”

Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке), so that the policeman couldn't hear (так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать), Morris whispered (прошептал), “I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home (я был слишком усталым = я слишком устал, чтобы идти домой /пешком/).”