Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 9
Wedding night practical jokes

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other an ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the three friends all received letters in the mail.

«Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short-sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

groom жених

to commit совершать, устраивать

carpenter плотник

ordinary обычный

guy парень

dentist дантист

slat перекладина

to collapse падать, рушиться

bottom низ

to chuckle хихикать

to mind возражать, иметь что-либо против

bastard ублюдок

novacaine новокаин

vaseline вазелин

to plan on doing sth планировать сделать что-л.

to be prone to doing sth иметь склонность к чему-л.

close friend близкий друг

practical joke розыгрыш

to pull a joke on sb подшутить над кем-л.

newly married молодожены

to short-sheet подвернуть простыню под матрац

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Why did the couple decide to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding?

2. What were the groom's close friends prone to committing?

3. What were they?

4. How did the carpenter decide to make fun of the newly married couple?

5. What did the ordinary guy decide to do?

6. Why didn't the dentist say what he was going to do?

7. How long did it take the newly married couple to write letters to their friends?

8. What was the young husband going to do with the dentist?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A couple was planning on _______ married.

2. They decided to _______ go back to their new apartment.

3. The groom had three _______ friends.

4. They were prone to _______ practical jokes.

5. They decided to _______ a practical joke on their friends.

6. The carpenter decided he _______ cut the slats.

7. The bed would _______.

8. Their feet didn't _______ the bottom.

3. Say if the sentences are true of false:

1. They decided to just go to Italy after the wedding.

2. The groom had three close friends.

3. The carpenter decided he would put the novacaine in the vaseline.

4. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed.

5. The dentist chuckled and told he would pull the bride's teeth out.

6. A week later the three friends all received telegrams.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Парочка собиралась пожениться.

2. У жениха было трое близких друзей.

3. Они имели склонность к розыгрышам.

4. Плотник решил, что он подрубит перекладины на постели.

5. Дантист усмехнулся и никому не захотел сказать, что он собирается сделать.

6. Я убью ублюдка!

Revise English grammar

В предложении The carpenter decided he would cut the slats… используется не встречающаяся в русском языке временная форма глагола – будущее-в-прошедшем время. Она образуется при помощи вспомогательного глагола would.

Этот же глагол – в другом значении – используется в предложении The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do…

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этой формой глагола, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (разделы 10, 11).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. As the young couple didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided that they (to go back) _______ to their new apartment after the wedding.

2. The groom's close friends thought that they (to act) _______ wisely if they (to commit) _______ some practical jokes on their newly married friends.

3. The carpenter decided he (to cut) _______ the slats.

4. They thought that when the couple (to climb) _______ into bed, the bed (to collapse) _______.

5. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed, so that their feet (not to reach) _______ the bottom.

6. The dentist chuckled and (not to tell) _______ anyone what he planned to do.

7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (с…) совершать, 2. (с…) падать, 3. (m…) женатый, 4. (с…) признание, 5. (с…) пара, 6. (b…) дыхание, 7. (с…) мужество, 8. (1…) удачливый, 9. (r…) осознавать, 10. (1…) грузить.

8. Render the joke.

Section 10
Bride and groom

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, «Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!»

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, «Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bride невеста

feeble слабый, хилый

healthy здоровый

vivacious живой, веселый

bannister перила

concern озабоченность, беспокойство

whatever что бы то ни было, что же

to wrestle бороться, заниматься борьбой

alligator аллигатор

to groan стонать

save up копить

to mean иметь в виду

to be all abuzz разг.to buzz жужжать, волноваться

lo and behold уст. и вот! о чудо!

step by step шаг за шагом, ступенька за ступенькой

to hang onto (on to) sth висеть, виснуть на чем-л.

for dear life (борясь) за жизнь из последних сил

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Why was the hotel all abuzz?

2. How old were the groom and the bride?

3. What did the groom look like?

4. In what manner did the bride come down the next morning?

5. What did the clerk at the counter ask the bride?

6. How long had the groom been saving up?

7. What had he been saving up?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. The hotel was all abuzz _______ the wedding.

2. The groom looked _______ feeble.

3. The _______ was that the wedding night might kill him.

4. _______ next morning, the bride came down the main staircase.

5. She _______ managed to get to the counter.

6. The clerk looked _______ concerned.

7. You _______ like you've been wrestling an alligator.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Жених выглядел весьма хилым.

2. Брачная ночь могла убить его.

3. Но, о чудо! на следующее утро невеста медленно спустилась вниз, держась за перила.

4. Клерк выглядел действительно озабоченным.

5. Вы выглядите так, словно боролись с аллигатором.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях You look like you've been wrestling an alligator и He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years… используется форма совершенного длительного времени, имеющая весьма своеобразную сферу применения и отличающаяся от форм совершенного времени.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этой формой, при необходимости обратившись к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 12).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. A small tourist hotel (to wait) _______ for the newly married since early in the morning.

2. They (to come) _______ to the conclusion about their age only after a long discussion.

3. The bride (to prepare) _______ for the wedding night for about two hours, and when she was ready, the groom (already to fall) _______ asleep.

4. She (to wrestle) _______ with this alligator since midnight.

5. I've (to save up) _______ money in the bank for twenty five years, and I (already to save up) _______ about ten bucks.

7. Render the joke.

Section 11
After the wedding night

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, «What's THAT?», pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, «Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.»

And she, in amazement, asked, «Is that all we have left?»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to celebrate праздновать

newlyweds молодожены

to expose выставлять, показывать

midway на полпути

shy застенчивый

anatomy анатомия; зд. тело

amazement изумление

all night long всю ночь

to ask sb to please do sth разг. попросить кого-л. сделать что-л.

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How did the young couple celebrate their first night together?

2. What couldn't the groom find when he emerged from the shower?

3. What did he ask his bride for?

4. Who and what did she see when she opened the door of the bathroom?

5. Do you think she could control the movement of her eyes?

6. Judging by the way the bride reacted to her husband's appearance in the bath, could you guess where she had been brought up?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. They _______ their first night together.

2. What do _______ all night long?

3. The groom goes into the bathroom but finds _______ there.

4. He asks the bride to _______ a towel.

5. He is _______ his body for the first time.

6. Her eyes went up and down and _______ midway they stopped.

7. She asked _______, «What's THAT?»

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together.

2. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no bath there.

3. He asks the bride to please bring a towel from the bedroom.

4. He opened the door, exposing his body for the first time.

5. Her eyes went down, and down, and down.

6. Well, that's what we had so little fun with last night.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Они занимались этим всю ночь напролет, снова и снова.

2. Он появился из душа, но не нашел полотенца.

3. Она отлично увидела его целиком.

4. Ее глаза скользнули вверх и вниз, и примерно на полпути они остановились.

5. Она спросила застенчиво.

6. Это все, что у нас осталось?

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях Не said, «Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night» и And she asked, «Is that all we have left?» содержатся фрагменты прямой речи, которую при пересказе или иных формах передачи текста иногда приходится трансформировать в речь косвенную.

Проверьте свои навыки преобразования прямой речи в косвенную, при необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому приложению (раздел 13).

6. Transform the Direct Speech into Indirect:

1. I asked her, «When were you married?»

2. He said, «We celebrated our first night together.»

3. «They are doing what newlyweds always do,» he whispered.

4. «I will go into the bathroom,» said the groom.

5. «Please, bring a towel from the bedroom,» he asked her.

6. «Where are you?» she asked.

7. «Why are you staring at me in such a way?» he asked.

8. «Well, that is what we had so much fun with last night,» he answered.

9. And she asked in despair, «Is that all we have left?»

7. Put the verbs into proper forms:

1. When the young couple were getting married, they (to decide) _______ they (to celebrate) _______ their first night together.

2. He said that he (to go) _______ to the bathroom in the morning.

3. Morning came and the groom (to go) _______ into the bathroom but (to find) _______ no towel there.

4. When she got to the bathroom door, he (already to open) _______ it from inside.

5. She said that was all that they (to leave) _______.

8. Render the joke.

Section 12
The groom's childhood diseases

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. «What happened to your feet?» his wife asked.

«I had a childhood disease called tolio.»

«Don't you mean polio?»

«No, tolio, it only affects the toes.»

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. «What happened to your knees?» she asked.

«Well, I also had kneesles.»

«Don't you mean measles?»

«No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.»

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, «Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

toe палец ноги

to twist скручивать

to discolor обесцвечивать

disease болезнь

polio разг. полиомиелит

to affect влиять t

o remove зд. снимать

to reveal открывать

awful ужасный

knee колено

measles корь

shorts трусы, шорты

to gasp задыхаться, открывать рот от изумления

smallpox оспа

smallcox результат игры слов, наложения семантики слова smallpox на просматривающееся через контекст слово cock, которое в силу этого приобретает оттенки значения «маленький»

to get undressed раздеться

awful looking разг. awfully looking выглядящий ужасно

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What were the newlyweds doing for the first time?

2. What did the groom's toes look like?

3. How did he explain the condition of his feet?

4. What was wrong with his knees and how did he account for this fact?

5. When he removed his shorts, what disease did his wife suspect he might have had?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two newlyweds _______ their honeymoon.

2. His toes were _______ twisted and discolored.

3. What _______ to your feet?

4. I had a _______ disease called tolio.

5. It only _______ the toes.

6. He _______ his pants and _______ a pair of knees.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Он снял ботинки и носки.

2. Что случилось с пальцами твоих ног?

3. У меня была детская болезнь – корь.

4. Он обнажил ужасно выглядящую пару коленок.

5. Она оказывает воздействие только на колени.

6. Его жена открыла рот от удивления и сказала: «Не говори мне, что у тебя еще была и оспа».

Revise English Grammar

В предложении His toes were all twisted and discolored… используются глаголы в форме пассивного залога.

Проверьте свое знание данной формы, при необходимости справляясь в грамматическом комментарии (раздел 14).

6. Put the verbs in brackets into Passive:

1. Two newlyweds (to invite) _______ to their friend's house to spend the honeymoon there last year.

2. Just you wait! The shoes (to take off) _______ in a moment.

3. The socks (to dry) _______ at present.

4. My toes (to twist) _______ because of the disease I had in childhood.

5. At last the pants (to remove) _______.

6. His knees definitely (to affect) _______ by polio.

7. Transform the Direct Speech into Indirect:

1. His wife asked, «What happened to your feet?»

2. He said to her, «I had a childhood disease called tolio.»

3. She said, «Do you mean polio?»

4. She asked, «What happened to your knees?»

5. He said, «I also had kneesles.»

6. She said, «Are you having anything now?»

7. He said, «It only affects the knees.»

8. She asked, «Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!»

8. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (t…) палец ноги, 2. (d…) болезнь, 3. (r…) снимать, удалять, 4. (r…) открывать, 5. (а…) изумление, 6. (h…) здоровый, 7. (w…) бороться, 8. (g…) стонать, 9. (b…) невеста, 10. (а…) ужасный.

9. Render the joke.

Section 13
A couple at the zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are visiting the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless, with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla begins to go ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunts, and pounds his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow by puckering her lips, wiggling her bottom… play along.

She does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.

She does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down! The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up her thighs. This drives the poor gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and says, «Now tell HIM you have a headache.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to wear носить (одежду)

cute милый, славный

loose свободный

to fit подходить по размеру (об одежде)

loose-fitting свободного покроя

pink розовый

sleeveless без рукавов

strap тесьма, лямка

аре обезьяна

exhibit выставка, экспозиция

аре exhibit обезьянник

gorilla горилла

bars решетка

to grunt ворчать, сердиться

to pound колотить

chest грудь; грудная клетка

obviously очевидно

to notice замечать

excitement возбуждение

to suggest предлагать

to tease дразнить

poor бедный

fellow парень

to pucker морщить (губы), складывать (губы) в гримаску

to lift поднимать

thigh бедро

to drive двигать, понуждать

crazy сумасшедший, чокнутый

to grab хватать, захватывать

to rip рвать; раскрывать

to fling толкать, бросать

to wiggle one's bottom крутить задом

to go ape обезьянничать

to play along играть до конца

to wake the dead разбудить мертвого

to tear the bars down сносить решетку

to drive sb crazy сводить кого-л. с ума

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What sort of a dress was the wife wearing?

2. How did the gorilla start to behave when the couple was passing its cage?

3. What was the ape excited by?

4. What did the husband suggest that his wife do when he noticed the gorilla's excitement?

5. What did the husband suggest she do with the straps of her dress?

6. What drove the poor gorilla absolutely crazy?

7. Do you think the wife had really had many headaches?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A man and his wife are visiting the _______ zoo.

2. She's wearing a cute, _______ dress.

3. They walk through the _______ exhibit.

4. The gorilla is _______ excited at seeing the lady.

5. The man suggests that his wife _______ the poor fellow.

6. Then the husband suggests that she _______ one of her straps fall.

7. This drives the gorilla absolutely _______.

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. As they pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla falls asleep.

2. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the pretty lady in the pink dress.

3. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

4. Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would kill the alive.

5. This drives the poor gorilla away.

6. The husband grabs the gorilla, rips open the door to the cage, and flings her in with the wife.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. На ней красивое, свободного покроя платье без рукавов, на лямках.

2. Горилла начинает обезьянничать.

3. Горилла явно возбуждена при виде дамы в розовом платье.

4. Муж предлагает жене подразнить бедного парня.

5. Он производит шум, который разбудил бы и мертвого.

6. Горилла готова снести решетки.

7. Он быстро хватает ее и толкает в клетку.

Revise English Grammar

В сложных предложениях с союзом that (The husband suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow…, Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall… и The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up her thighs…) мы сталкиваемся с одним из так называемых глаголов «побуждения к действию», использование которых подчиняется особому правилу.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правило использования этих глаголов. В случае необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 15).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. The man insisted that his wife (to wear) _______ a cute, loose-fitting dress.

2. It is imperative that we (to walk) _______ through the ape exhibit.

3. The husband proposed that his wife (to tease) _______ the poor fellow.

4. Then the husband urged her wife (to let) _______ one of her straps fall.

5. It is necessary (to tear) _______ the bars down.

6. It is important that you (to lift) _______ your dress up your thighs.

7. It was a recommendation that you (to grab) _______ your wife and (to fling) _______ her into the cage.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall используется форма так называемого сложного дополнения She let the straps fall.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этой синтаксической формой, при необходимости прибегая к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 16).

7. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. I want you (to visit) _______ the local zoo.

2. I expect you (to wear) _______ this cute dress.

3. Don't make him (to go) _______ ape.

4. I saw him (to jump) _______ up on the bars.

5. They heard the gorilla (to grunt) _______ and pound his chest with his free hand.

6. I watched her (to wiggle) _______ her bottom.

7. The husband noticed the ape (to be excited) _______, and wanted his wife (to tease) _______ the poor fellow even more.

8. Transform the sentences into Passive:

1. A man and his wife are visiting the local zoo.

2. He pounds his chest with his free hand.

3. The pretty lady in the pink dress obviously excited the gorilla.

4. The noises would wake the dead.

5. Gorilla is tearing the bars down.

6. She has lifted her dress up her thighs.

7. This drives the poor gorilla absolutely crazy.

8. The husband grabs his wife and flings her in with the gorilla.

9. Render the joke.