Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 14
Before you get married

«Honey,» said a husband to his wife, «I invited a friend home for supper.» «What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!» «I know all that.»

«Then why did you invite a friend for supper?» «Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

a mess беспорядок, состояние беспорядка

fancy фантазия, воображение

meal еда, прием пищи

a fancy meal праздничный обед

fool дурак

I don't feel like cooking я не в настроении готовить еду

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Who did the husbund invite for supper?

2. What does the wife think about their house?

3. What meal is she supposed to cook for her husband's friend?

4. What will happen when the friend comes to their home?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A husband said _______ his wife, «I invited a friend home for supper.»

2. Are you _______?

3. The house is a _______.

4. All the dishes are _______.

5. I don't feel like _______ a fancy meal.

6. Why did you invite a friend _______ supper?

7. The poor fool is thinking about _______ married.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Я пригласил друга домой на ужин.

2. Ты сошел с ума?

3. Я не ходила в магазин.

4. Мне не хочется готовить праздничный стол.

5. Бедный дурак думает о том, чтобы жениться.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях I didn't go shopping… I don't feel like cooking… The poor fool is thinking about getting married… используется так называемая – ing-овая форма английского глагола, которая в зависимости от места в предложении является либо причастием (причастием 1), либо герундием и, соответственно, подчиняется разным правилам употребления.

Проверьте свои знания этих форм, при необходимости справляясь в грамматическом комментарии (раздел 17).

6. Translate from Russian into English using the words in brackets:

1. Вместо того (Instead of, to go to the restaurant) чтобы пойти с другом в ресторан, он пригласил его домой на ужин.

2. Она разговаривает сейчас с мужем.

3. По прибытии (On, to come) домой он пошел в магазин (to go, shop).

4. Я обожаю (to be fond of, to wash dishes) мыть посуду.

5. Он закончил работать (to finish, to work) после шести часов.

6. Он прекратил есть (to stop, to eat) и посмотрел на часы.

7. Мы едим салат.

8. Я обожаю ходить в магазин (to be fond of, shop).

9. Человек, курящий сигарету, мой друг.

7. Render the joke.

Section 15
Coming home late at night

A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when «BAM!!!» – he gets hit by a frying pan…

Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, «Boy, you are inert! Now here's how I do it. When I get drunk I go borrow my bud's Harley and go screamin' up and down my block a couple of times a hootin' and a hollerin'. I take the Harley rat up on the porch and then start screamin' and a cuss-in'. I slam open the door and scream, 'Tim the man of the house and I want some sex rat now!» And you know what's amazin'??? My wife is always asleep!!!"

Study the words and expressions given below:

to avoid избегать

to park парковать (машину)

block квартал домов

to tiptoe от tip (кончик) и toe (палец ноги) идти на цыпочках

to fry жарить

pan кастрюля

frying pan сковорода

hole дыра

sad печальный

inert вялый, зд. неизобретательный

to borrow брать взаймы

bud приятель

Harley мотоцикл «Харлей-Дэвидсон»

screamin' разг. screaming вопя, крича

a hootin' разг. hooting свистя

a hollerin' разг. howling завывая

rat paзг. right прямо

porch крыльцо

a cussin' разг. cursing ругаясь

to slam хлопать (дверью); с грохотом открывать (дверь)

amazin' paзг. amazing удивительный; удивительно

a block away за квартал (от дома)

to get hit получать удар

local watering hole местная забегаловка (досл. местная дыра, где можно промочить горло)

to shake one's head качать головой

to get drunk напиваться пьяным

a couple of times пару раз

slam open the door с грохотом открывать дверь

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. When did the guy get home?

2. Why did he park a block away from home?

3. What did he do not to make a noise on the stairs?

4. What did he get hit by?

5. Who did he tell this story the next day?

6. What were they doing in the watering hole?

7. Who does his friend borrow a Harley from?

8. In what way does he drive the Harley?

9. Where does he take the bike?

10. What does he scream when he enteres the door?

11. Why is his wife always asleep?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Trying to _______ the little woman, he parks a block away.

2. He takes off his shoes, _______ not to make a noise.

3. He quietly opens the door and _______ into the room.

4. He gets hit by a _______ pan.

5. He tells the story to a friend at the local _______ hole.

6. His best friend _______ shakes his head.

7. I go _______ my bud's Harley.

8. I take the Harley rat up on the _______.

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. A guy is real drunk and gets home real late.

2. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks quite near his home.

3. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room.

4. When I get drunk I go borrow my bud's F-16 and go screamin' up and down my block a couple of times.

5. I take the Harley rat up on the porch.

6. I slam open the door and scream, «I'm the man of the house.»

7. My wife is always away.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Он снимает свои ботинки, когда идет по лестнице.

2. Он тихо открывает дверь и идет на цыпочках в комнату.

3. Он получает удар сковородой.

4. Его лучший друг печально качает головой.

5. Так вот как это делаю я.

6. Я гоню Харлея прямо на крыльцо.

7. Я с грохотом открываю дверь и кричу.

8. Моя жена всегда спит.

Revise English Grammar

Грамотная английская речь, как и речь русская, подчиняется огромному количеству правил, в том числе и правил стилистических. Избегая нарушения этих правил, мы говорим правильно. Вместе с тем в разговорной речи встречается огромное количество нарушений стилистической нормы.

Так, следующие предложения содержат одну и ту же конструкцию – причастный оборот, относящийся к подлежащему. Но в первом случае этот оборот использован правильно, во втором – с нарушениями.

1. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home…

2. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head…

Найдите, в чем состоит нарушение правила (при затруднениях обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию; раздел 18).

6. Transform the sentenses according to the rules when necessary:

1. Having got drunk, the guy came home real late.

2. Trying to avoid the little woman, his car is left a block away from his home.

3. Walking up the stairs, he tries his best not to make a noise.

4. Opening quietly the door and tiptoeing into the room, his wife hits him by a frying pan.

5. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head.

6. Taking the Harley rat up on the porch, I start screamin' and a cussin'.

7. Slamming open the door and screamin', his wife is always asleep.

7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (а…) избегать, 2. (t…) идти на цыпочках, 3. (b…) брать взаймы, 4. (1…) местный, 5. (m…) беспорядок, 6. (е…) выставка, 7. (е…) возбуждение, 8. (f…) парень, 9. (а…) обезьяна, 10. (s…) без рукавов.

8. Render the joke.

Section 16
Control of your wife

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, «Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?»

The third fellow says, «I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.»

The first two guys were amazed. «Wow! What happened then?» they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!' "

Study the words and expressions given below:

control контроль, власть

pub паб, пивная

amount объем, величина

to remain оставаться

swallow глоток (пива, воды, вина)

healthy swallow большой глоток

beer пиво

to sigh вздыхать

to utter произносить

to fight сражаться, драться

Get out! Убирайся! Вылезай!

after a while через некоторое время

what sort of? какого типа? какого вида?

the other night на днях вечером

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many guys were there in the pub?

2. What did they drink there?

3. What were two of them talking about?

4. What question was the third guy asked?

5. In what way had the third guy's wife come to him one of the nights?

6. What did she say to her husband?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two of the guys are talking about the _______ of control they had over their wives.

2. The third guy _______ quiet.

3. After a _______ one of the first two guys turned to the third one.

4. What _______ of control do you have over your wife?

5. Just the _______ night my wife came to me.

6. The first two guys were _______.

7. The third man took a healthy _______ of his beer.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

2. Какого размера власть ты имеешь над своей женой?

3. Третий парень хранил молчание.

4. Через некоторое время один из первых двоих повернулся к третьему.

5. Ну, а как насчет тебя?

6. Как раз на днях вечером моя жена приползла ко мне на четвереньках.

7. Что случилось потом?

Revise English Grammar

«Get out from under the bed!» — приказала жена третьему из парней, сидящих в баре. Слово get может использоваться и в других словосочетаниях, проявляя поразительную многозначность. Проверьте свое языковое чутье в отношении этого слова. При необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 19).

6. Read the text one more time and substitute the word «to get» for any verb that seems to have about the same meaning.

7. Render the joke.

Section 17
Prospective church members

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.»

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, «Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

The old man replied, «No problem at all, Pastor.»

«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

The man replied, «The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… yes we made it.»

«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»

«No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,» the young man replied sadly.

«What happened?» inquired the pastor.

«My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.»

«You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,» stated the pastor.

«We know,» said the young man, «we're not welcome at the local supermarket anymore either.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

elderly пожилой, стареющий

to join вступить (куда-л.), присоединиться

pastor священник, пастор

requirements требования (от to requireтребовать)

parishioner прихожанин (от parishприход)

to abstain воздерживаться

to reply отвечать

couch кушетка

to reach (for) дотягиваться (до чего-л.)

can банка

corn кукуруза

top верх; верхний

to bend (over) наклоняться (над чем-л.)

lust сильное желание

advantage преимущество

to state утверждать

to join a church вступить в церковь

to be able быть способным, мочь

No problem at all! Никаких проблем!

to go without sex обходиться без секса

Congratulations! Поздравления!

Welcome! Добро пожаловать!

to be welcome быть желаемым, желанным (где-л.)

to pick sth up поднимать что-л.

to be overcome with sth быть охваченным (чем-л.)

to take advantage of her воспользоваться удобным моментом

right there прямо там

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many couples wanted to join the church and how old were they?

2. What special requirements did the couples have to meet if they wanted to join the church?

3. Who did the pastor go to first when the couples returned after the two weeks' trial period?

4. Why was it easy for an elderly couple to be admitted to church?

5. How did the middle-aged husband cope with the problem?

6. What was wrong with the can of corn?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Two couples wanted _______ a church.

2. We have special _______ for new parishioners.

3. You must _______ from having sex.

4. No problem _______, Pastor.

5. _______ to the church!

6. I had to sleep on the couch for _______ of nights.

7. We were not _______ to go without sex.

8. My wife was _______ for a can of corn.

3. Say if the sentences are true or false:

1. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join the army.

2. We have special requirements for new parishioners.

3. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

4. The couples didn't agree and never came back.

5. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

6. I was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

7. We're not welcome at the local zoo anymore either.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Три пары захотели вступить в церковь.

2. Мы предъявляем особые требования к нашим прихожанам.

3. Пары согласились и пришли назад через две недели.

4. Никаких проблем, пастор!

5. Поздравления! Добро пожаловать в церковь!

6. Первая неделя была не слишком тяжкой.

7. Я был вынужден спать на кушетке пару ночей.

8. Я был охвачен сильным желанием и воспользовался своим преимуществом над ней прямо там.

9. Нас также не хотят больше видеть и в местном супермаркете.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях You must abstain from having sex for two weeks; Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks? I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… используются так называемые модальные глаголы и их заменители (must, to be able, to have to).

Проверьте свои знания модальных глаголов; при необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 20).

6. Translate from Russian into English using modal verbs and their substitutes:

1. Вы можете вступить в церковь.

2. Вы сможете вступить в церковь, если выполните особые требования.

3. Вы должны воздерживаться от секса в течение трех недель.

4. Мы не можем сделать этого.

5. Мы должны были прийти через три недели.

6. Мы не смогли сделать этого.

7. Я вынужден был спать на кушетке.

8. Мне не было необходимости спать на кушетке.

9. Можно мне вступить в вашу церковь без испытательного срока?

10. Мне позволили сделать это без испытательного срока.

11. Вам не следовало бы больше ходить в местный супермаркет.

7. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. It's a recommendation that you (to join) _______ a church.

2. It's necessary that we (to have) _______ special requirements for new parishioners.

3. He suggested that we (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.

4. He urged them (to come) _______ back at the end of two weeks.

5. He found it necessary (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.

8. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. I want you (to join) _______ a church.

2. He expected them (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.

3. The pastor saw the elderly couple (to enter) _______ the church.

4. He let them (to pass over) _______ to the altar.

5. This made him (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.

6. He watched the wife (to try) _______ to reach for a can of corn.

7. He saw her (to pick) _______ the can up.

8. This made him (to take) _______ advantage of her right there.

9. Render the joke.

Section 18
An elderly couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. «How do you feel about sex?» he asked, rather hopefully.

«Oh, I like to have it infrequently,» she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, «Was that one word or two?»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to decide решать

to embark пускаться (в плавание, в разговор и т. д.)

regarding относительно, касательно (от to regard считать)

finances финансы, финансовое состояние

arrangement организация (от to arrange устраивать, организовывать, оформлять)

to broach починать, открывать

subject предмет, вопрос

connubial супружеский, брачный

relationship отношение

hopefully с надеждой

infrequently нечасто (от frequently часто)

to respond отвечать

it was time to do sth время (пора) делать что-л.

living arrangements условия жизни

and so on и так далее

broach the subject поднимать вопрос

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. When did the elderly couple decide it was time for them to marry?

2. What sort of conversation did they embark on before the wedding?

3. What did they discuss?

4. What subject did the old man decide to raise in the end?

5. How often would his partner like to make love?

6. Taking into account the old guy's age, would he prefer «in-» to stand for a prefix or for a preposition?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. An elderly couple had been _______ for some time.

2. Before the wedding they _______ on a long conversation.

3. They discussed _______, living arrangements and so on.

4. Finally the old man decided _______ the subject of sex.

5. Oh, I like to have it _______.

6. Was that _______ word or two?

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. An elderly couple had been living together for some time, and decided it was finally time to divorce.

2. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

3. They discussed government policy and finances.

4. Finally the old lady decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

5. Oh, I like to have it in frequently.

6. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, «Was that one word or two?»

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Пожилая пара решила, что им пора пожениться.

2. Перед свадьбой они говорили о том, как они могли бы жить вместе.

3. Наконец он решил заговорить об их брачных отношениях.

4. О, я люблю это изредка.

5. Это было одно слово или два?

Revise English Grammar

Практически в каждом английском предложении активную роль в согласовании его членов играют предлоги и предложные конструкции.

Проверьте свои знания английских предлогов и предложных конструкций (при необходимости см. грамматический комментарий; раздел 21).

6. Insert prepositions where necessary:

1. An elderly couple had been dating _______ some time.

2. They had been meeting _______ May _______ December.

3. Before the wedding they met _______ the restaurant, and _______ dinner they embarked _______ a long conversation.

4. They spoke _______ their living arrangements and the way they would spend their honeymoon.

5. She wanted to go _______ Naples, while he insisted staying _______ the USA.

6. He took the bottle _______ champagne which stood him _______ the dinner table and poured some wine _______ her glass.

7. The old man decided to discuss the subject _______ their connubial relations.

8. She flung the wine _______ his face saying, «What do you take me?»

7. Translate from Russian into English using modal verbs:

1. Нам нет необходимости больше встречаться.

2. Мы можем пожениться.

3. Мы должны обсудить то, как будет устроена наша семейная жизнь.

4. Должны мы обсуждать финансы?

5. Можно мне приступить к вопросу о наших брачных отношениях?

6. Я вынужден спросить тебя, могу ли я обсудить и этот пункт.

7. Будет ли мне позволено делать это часто?

8. Я не смог понять, что она имела в виду.

8. Insert articles where necessary:

1. They had been dating for some _______ time and decided it was finally time to marry.

2. Before _______ wedding they embarked on _______ long conversation.

3. They discussed how their _______ marriage might work.

4. They discussed _______ finances.

5. Finally _______ old man decided to broach _______ subject of their connubial relationship.

6. How do you feel about _______ sex?

9. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (f…) финансы, 2. (с…) брачный, 3. (r…) отвечать, 4. (е…) пожилая, 5. (а…) воздерживаться, 6. (w…) добро пожаловать, 7. (о…) охваченный, 8. (р…) пивная, 9. (b…) пиво, 10. (f…) драться.

10. Render the joke.