Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 19
Two additions to the periodic table of elements

* Element Name: WOMANIUM

* Symbol: WO

* Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

* Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

* Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

* Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

* Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

* Element Name: MANIUM

* Symbol: XY

* Atomic Weight: (180 +/– 50)

* Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

* Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO (WOMANIUM) any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.

* Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

* Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

* Caution: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Study the words and expressions given below:

element элемент

symbol символ

atomic атомный

weight вес

physical физический

property свойство, качество, состояние

generally в общем, главным образом

soft мягкий

round круглый

to boil кипеть

to freeze замерзать

to melt таять

to treat обходиться (с кем-л.)

properly правильно

bitter горький; колкий

to use использовать

chemical химический

active активный

highly в высшей степени

unstable нестабильный

to possess владеть чем-л., иметь в своем распоряжении

affinity хим. связь

gold золото

silver серебро

platinum платина

precious ценный, драгоценный

violent свирепый, жестокий

alone одинокий; в одиночестве

to absorb абсорбировать, поглощать

exotic экзотический

to turn поворачиваться, становиться

slight легкий, небольшой

to place помещать, размещать

specimen образец, экземпляр

usage использование

ornamental декоративный

extremely в высшей степени

catalyst катализатор

dispersion дисперсия, растворение

wealth богатство, состояние

probably вероятно, возможно

powerful сильный, мощный

income доход

to reduce сокращать

agent агент, вещество

caution осторожность

explosive взрывчатое вещество; взрывоопасный

inexperienced неопытный

solid твердый

temperature температура

fairly достаточно хорошо

dense густой, непроницаемый; тупой

flaky хлопковидный; сленг пьяный

pure чистый

sample образец

due to благодаря (чему-л.)

rust ржавчина

aging старение

to conduct зд. проводить (электричество)

electricity электричество

to attempt предпринимать, пытаться

to bond соединять, связывать

to tend иметь стремление, иметь настроение

to mix смешиваться

to prolong продлевать

neutralize нейтрализовать

saturate хим. насыщать

alcohol алкоголь

possible возможный, вероятный

methane метан

source источник

to produce производить

quantity количество

absence отсутствие

rapid быстрый

to decompose разлагаться, разваливаться

don't even go there даже не ходи туда

in form по форме

any time в любое время

next to рядом, по соседству

to get bent сгибаться

as… as так же, как

any chance it can get при первом удобном случае

on command по команде

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What's the atomic weight of Womanium?

2. What form does it possess?

3. How can one make it melt?

4. What happens to Womanium if it is not treated properly?

5. What does Womanium have strong affinity with?

6. How does it change its color when placed near a better specimen?

7. What can Womanium be used for?

8. Why is it so explosive if put into inexperienced hands?

9. What's the Manium's maximum atomic weight?

10. What's the difference between old and young samples of Manium in terms of conductivity?

11. How often can Manium form strong bonds with Woma-nium?

12. How can one make Manium explosive?

13. How can it be neutralized?

14. What's the best way to use Manium?

15. What happens to Manium in the absence of Womanium?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. Generall _______ yand round.

2. Melts when _______ properly.

3. Violent when _______ alone.

4. Able to absorb great _______ of exotic food.

5. Turns slightly green when _______ next to a better specimen.

6. Probably the most powerful incomeagent _______ agent known.

7. Highly explosive in _______ hands!

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Твердый при комнатной температуре, но легко меняет форму при сгибании.

2. Трудно найти чистый экземпляр.

3. Стареющие образцы неспособны проводить электричество.

4. Стремится установить сильные связи с самим собой.

5. Нейтрализуйте путем насыщения алкоголем.

6. Хорошие образцы способны производить большое количество по команде.

7. Этот элемент быстро разлагается и начинает пахнуть.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях Melts when treated properly… Very bitter if not used well… Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen… и других используется причастие II (причастие прошедшего времени, так называемая третья форма глагола);

в предложениях Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known… Aging samples are unable to conduct electricity… используется причастие I (причастие настоящего времени, так называемая ing-овая форма глагола).

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этими формами причастия. При необходимости справляйтесь в разделе 22 грамматического комментария.

6. Fill in the blanks with either Participle I or Participle II:

1. Womanium is (to boil) _______ at room temperature.

2. It melts if (to treat) _______ properly.

3. Be careful while (to use) _______ Womanium.

4. (To absorb) _______ great amounts of food, Womanium tends to put on much weight.

5. The element (to turn) _______ slightly green, is Womanium.

6. Wonanium has (to disperse) _______ much of my wealth.

7. Probably it's the most powerful income (to reduce) _______ agent known.

8. Manium gets (to bend) _______ out of shape easily.

9. Manium (to form) _______ strong bonds with Womanium, never decomposes too soon.

7. Render the joke.

Section 20
Unselfish generosity

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. «I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.»

«You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?»

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.' "

Study the words and expressions given below:

to chat болтать

act акт; поступок

unselfish бескорыстный, неэгоистичный

generosity щедрость

bill банкнот

bum бродяга

next-door живущий по соседству

to start out начинать

five whole dollars разг. целых пять долларов

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Who was the woman chatting with?

2. Why did she feel so good that day?

3. What sort of act did she commit?

4. How much did she give to a bum?

5. What did the neighbor think about this act of generosity?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A woman was chatting with her _______ neighbor.

2. I started _______ this morning with an act of generosity.

3. I gave a bum five _______ dollars.

4. That's _______ of money to give away.

5. He thought it was the _______ thing to do.

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. A woman was chatting with her husband.

2. I started out this morning with an act of murder.

3. That's a lot of money to just give away.

4. What did your neighbor say about it?

5. Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Я сегодня чувствую себя действительно хорошо.

2. Я дала пятидолларовый банкнот бродяге.

3. Это много денег, чтобы вот так просто отдать.

4. Он думал, что это правильный поступок.

5. Он сказал: «Спасибо».

Revise English Grammar

В слове unselfish использована одна из наиболее распространенных в английском языке моделей словообразования – с помощью отрицательного префикса. Таких префиксов существует несколько: de-, dis-, im-, in-, un-.

6. Проверьте свои навыки словообразования на основе данной модели. Образуйте слова с противоположным значением, используя отрицательные префиксы:

Исходная форма

moralize

mobile

fame

frequent

charge

compose

comfort

mortal

mature

able

arrange

balanced

patient

generate

code

certain

advantage

probable

appropriate

close

courage

audible

capable

compress

familiar

color

decision

conscious

do

moral

dependent

expected

believe

load

able

form

effective

7. Render the joke.

Section 21
75Th wedding anniversary

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, «Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But… I must know, did he have a different father?»

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for moment and then confesses.

«Yes. Yes, he did.»

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, «Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?»

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, «You.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

elegant элегантный, торжественный

anniversary годовщина

to lean склоняться (к кому-л.)

forward вперед

soft мягкий; тихий

to bother беспокоить

tenth десятый

to assure уверять

wonderful чудесный

experience опыт, переживание

to drop ронять, опускать

to pause делать паузу

to shake трясти, сотрясать

reality действительность

to admit признавать

to hit ударять, бить

hard трудно, тяжело

to expect ожидать

tear слеза

to muster собираться)

I could have ever hoped for (на что) я когда-либо мог надеяться

the rest of остаток, остальные

to drop one's head опускать голову

to muster the courage собраться с духом

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many years have the couple been living together?

2. What had always bothered the old man?

3. What did he think about their marriage in general?

4. What did he want to know for sure?

5. Why did the woman drop her head unable to look into her husband's eye?

6. How many children of the family had a different father?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A very elderly _______ is having.

2. The old man leans _______ to his wife.

3. It has always _______ me.

4. Our tenth child never looked like _______ of our children.

5. I want to _______ you this has been the most wonderful experience.

6. The wife _______ her head, unable to look up.

7. The old man is very _______.

8. With a _______ in his eye he asks, «Who?»

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Пара празднует 75-летнюю годовщину своей свадьбы.

2. Дорогая, есть кое-что, о чем я хочу спросить тебя.

3. Это было самое чудесное переживание из тех, на которые я мог когда-либо надеяться.

4. Твой ответ не изменит этого (не заберет это прочь).

5. У него был другой отец?

6. Жена опускает голову.

7. Она медлит мгновение, а потом признается.

8. Реальность того, в чем признается его жена, наносит ему сильный удар.

9. Кто был его отцом?

Revise English Grammar

В тексте встречаются прилагательные в двух различных степенях сравнения – сравнительной и превосходной: It has been the most wonderful experience… The reality hit him harder than…

Проверьте, как вы владеете навыками использования степеней сравнения прилагательных. При необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 23).

6. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Муж был старше жены на пять лет.

2. Это был в высшей степени элегантный обед.

3. Наш десятый ребенок гораздо выше, чем первый.

4. Его голова (brains) работает лучше, чем у других детей.

5. Он – лучший в семье.

6. Это было самое чудесное переживание в моей жизни.

7. Он был самым непослушным (naughty) из всех детей, когда был маленьким.

8. Слеза на правом глазу намного больше, чем слеза на левом.

9. Ты гораздо глупее (stupid), чем отец остальных детей.

7. Fill in the blanks with prepositions where necessary:

1. A very elderly couple is sitting _______ a restaurant.

2. The old man says softlyh _______ is wife, «Dear, take some _______ this salad.»

3. Our tenth child never quite looked like the rest _______ our children.

4. These years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped _______.

5. She is unable to look her husband _______ the eye.

6. The wife paused _______ a moment and then confessed.

7. The old man is very shaken _______ the reality what his wife admitted.

8. With a tear _______ his eye he asks, «Who?»

9. She said nothing _______ first, and then she told the truth _______ her husband.

8. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (е…) элегантный, 2. (b…) беспокоить, 3. (s…) трясти, сотрясать, 4. (p…) свойство, качество, 5. (p…) драгоценный, 6. (w…) богатство, состояние, 7. (d…) плотный, 8. (s…) образец, 9. (d…) разрушаться, разлагаться, 10. (i…) доход.

9. Render the joke.

Section 22
The mistress

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

«Who was that?» the wife demanded.

«If you must know,» the husband replied, «that was my mistress.»

«Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!» the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, «Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?»

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, «Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?»

«That's HIS mistress,» her husband replied.

«Oh,» she said, taking a bite of dessert. «Ours is much cuter.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to enjoy наслаждаться, получать удовольствие

statuesque статный, фигуристый

brunette брюнетка

to exchange обмениваться

warm теплый

greetings приветствия

to demand требовать; спрашивать

mistress любовница

divorce развод

to fume перен. кипятиться, возмущаться

straight прямо

to give up бросать, отказываться

Mercedes «мерседес»

furs меха

jewelry драгоценности

vacation отпуск

to continue продолжать

to dine обедать

silence молчание, тишина

to nudge подталкивать локтем

bite кусочек

dessert десерт

ours наша

a dinner out обед в ресторане

to walk over подойти (к чему-л.)

suburbs пригород

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Who came over the couple when they were having dinner?

2. What's a brunette?

3. What type of a car does the wife have?

4. Where do they spend their vacation?

5. Whose mistress is better – the husband's or Howard's?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A couple was _______ a dinner out.

2. A brunette _______ warm greetings with the husband.

3. I want a _______!

4. Do you want _______ our big house in the suburbs?

5. They continued _______ in silence.

6. Finally, the woman _______ her husband.

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when an ugly brunette walked over to their table.

2. The husband hit her right in the eye.

3. Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs?

4. For a long time they continued dining in silence.

5. Finally, the woman nudged her husband.

6. «That's YOUR mistress,» her husband replied.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Супружеская пара наслаждалась обедом в ресторане.

2. Если тебе нужно знать, то это моя любовница.

3. Вот как!

4. Муж посмотрел ей прямо в глаза.

5. Ты хочешь расстаться со своим «мерседесом», своими мехами и драгоценностями?

6. Долгое время они продолжали обедать в тишине.

7. С кем он?

8. Наша гораздо лучше.

Revise English Grammar

Герундиальные и инфинитивные обороты

Можно ли в предложении For a long time they continued dining in silence… герундий (dining) заменить на инфинитив (to dine), и какие правила сочетания герундия и инфинитива существуют?

Проверьте свои навыки в этом вопросе; при необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 24).

6. Fill in the blanks with a Gerund or an Infinitive:

1. A married couple seemed (enjoy) _______ their dinner.

2. They really enjoyed (have) _______ their dinner all alone.

3. The wife objected to her husband's (drink) _______ too much of champagne.

4. The waiter kept (bring) _______ more and more delicious food.

5. The wife didn't expect her husband (exchange) _______ warm greetings with a woman who appeared (be) _______ a total stranger to her.

6. She insisted on (have) _______ a divorce.

7. Do you want (give up) _______ our big house in the suburbs?

8. She didn't mind (have) _______ a mistress who was much cuter than that of Howard's.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении Ours is cuter… используется так называемая абсолютная форма притяжательного падежа личного местоимения we.

Проверьте навыки использования данной формы, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 25).

7. Translate into English:

1. – У Говарда большой дом.

– Наш больше.

2. – У жены Говарда много драгоценностей.

– Твои дороже.

3. – У Говарда новая машина.

– Моя новее.

4. – У Говарда хорошая любовница.

– Наша лучше.

8. Render the joke.

Section 23
Marriage counselor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

«What seems to be the problem?» Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5—10–15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, «Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!»

The husband scratched his head and replied, «I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

a few несколько

constant постоянный

arguments споры

to counsel советовать, консультировать

counselor советник, консультант

counseling консультирование

immediately немедленно

wrongs недостатки, неудобства, дефекты

within внутри

shoulder плечо

to kiss целовать

passionately страстно

afterwards после, впоследствии

speechless безгласный, безмолвный

disbelief недоверие

to scratch скрести, чесать

to be at sb's throat перен. быть готовым взять кого-л. за горло

to jump in зд. сразу приступить к делу

to open the floor for discussion открыть обсуждение

on the other hand с другой стороны (on the one hand с одной стороны)

to talk 90 miles an hour болтать со скоростью 90 миль в час

last straw последняя соломинка

at least по крайней мере

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What was the couple's marriage filled with?

2. What did they think to be the only way to save their relationships?

3. What did the counselor do when they arrived at the office?

4. Why did the husband hold his face down?

5. How fast did the wife speak?

6. How did the wife act after the counselor had kissed her?

7. How often did the wife have to visit the counselor's office?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. These years were filled with _______ arguments.

2. They decided that _______ way to save their marriage was to _______ counseling.

3. They had been at each other's _______ for some time.

4. They felt that this was their _______ straw.

5. When they arrived at the office, the counselor _______ right in and opened the floor for discussion.

6. What _______ to be the problem?

7. The husband held his long face down _______ anything to say.

3. Match the two parts of the sentences:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Жена, напротив, принялась описывать все недостатки их брака.

2. Послушав жену, он поднял ее за плечи.

3. Он страстно целовал ее в течение нескольких минут и посадил назад.

4. Потом жена сидела молча.

5. Он взглянул на мужа, который уставился с недоверием на то, что произошло.

6. Консультант предложил мужу делать это по крайней мере дважды в неделю.

7. Муж почесал голову.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении After just a few years of marriage… используется словосочетание a few («немного»), которое нельзя путать с прилагательным few, а также с другими словами и конструкциями, выражающими близкие значения (little, a little).

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правила использования этих слов и словосочетаний. При необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием (раздел 26).

6. Fill in the blanks with a word from the list:

few a few

little a little

Follow the directions given in brackets:

1. They spent very (мало) _______ days without heated arguments.

2. They had (мало) _______ hope to save their marriage.

3. The counselor was (немного) _______ surprised when he heard the couple's story.

4. He thought there was (мало) _______ hope left, but still he agreed to help.

5. After (немного) _______ visits to the counselor's office they felt better.

6. When she began to speak, he understood very (мало) _______, so fast she spoke.

7. And only (немного) _______ words were intelligible.

8. She sat silently (немного) _______ minutes, and then they left.

7. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:

1. If we (not to try) _______ counseling, our marriage will end up in a divorce.

2. If you (to argue) _______ with me any more, I will leave you forever.

3. As soon as you (to understand) _______ that it's our last straw, things will turn for the better.

4. You've got to tell me, when you (to go) _______ to visit the counselor tomorrow.

5. When you (to arrive) _______ at the counselor's office, the counselor will jump right in and open the floor for discussion.

6. If she (not to stop) _______ talking 90 miles an hour, I will have to stop her by a kiss.

7. She will continue talking her head off until you (to kiss) _______ her.

8. I will bring her here every Tuesday if she (to agree) _______.

8. Render the joke.