Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 5
Parrots

One lady approaches a priest and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.»

«What do they say?» the priest asked.

"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

«That's terrible!» the priest exclaimed. «But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.»

«Oh, thank you, Father!» said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, «Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?» One male parrot looks over to the other and says, «Put the Bible away! Our prayers have been answered!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to approach приближаться

female особь женского пола

male особь мужского пола

Hi! Привет!

prostitute проститутка

to exclaim восклицать

solution решение

to pray молить(ся)

to worship боготворить

the Bible Библия

rosary beads четки

to have some fun развлекаться

to stop saying прекратить говорить

our prayers have been answered наши молитвы были услышаны

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many things do the lady's parrots know how to say?

2. What do they call themselves?

3. Who offered help to the lady?

4. What has the priest taught his parrots to do?

5. What does the priest think his parrots will teach the lady's ones to do?

6. What do the male parrots hold?

7. What have the male parrots been actually begging the Lord for?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. That's _______!

2. I have a _______ to your problem.

3. _______ your parrots over to my house.

4. I have _______ my parrots to pray and read the Bible.

5. The lady _______ her female parrots to the priest's house.

6. The male parrots are _______ rosary beads.

7. «Do you want _______ some fun?»

8. One male parrot looks _______ to the other and says, «Put the Bible away».

3. Say if the statement is true or false:

1. I have twenty-three talking female parrots.

2. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we are insurance agents. Do you want to have some fun?' "

3. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

4. Your female parrots will learn to play.

5. The lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

6. The priest's two male parrots are holding a party in their cage.

7. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Одна дама подходит к священнику и говорит ему: «Отец, у меня проблема».

2. Они только и знают, что говорить «Привет!»

3. «Это ужасно!» – воскликнул священник.

4. Мои попугаи отучат ваших говорить эти ужасные вещи.

5. Отложи Библию.

6. Наша молитва была услышана.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении I will put them with my two male talking parrots, and my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that phrase используется одна из форм будущего времени английского глагола – простое будущее время.

Проверьте свои знания этой формы (при необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием; раздел 5).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate Future forms of the verbs given in brackets, where necessary:

1. The lady (to visit) _______ the priest next Tuesday.

2. These parrots never (to say) _______ such things again.

3. The priest's two male talking parrots (to pray and read the Bible) _______ from six till seven tomorrow.

4. My parrots (to teach) _______ your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

5. They (to teach) _______ them to pray and worship by next Sunday.

6. «I will solve your problem,» the priest said, «if you (to bring) _______ your parrots over to my house.»

7. Tell me, when you (to bring) _______ your parrots.

7. Make as many special questions to the sentences given as possible:

1. I will buy these two talking female parrots.

2. But I will have a solution to your problem.

3. I will put them with my two male talking parrots.

4. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase.

5. Your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

8. Insert articles where necessary:

1. One lady approaches _______ priest.

2. Father, I have _______ problem.

3. I have these two _______ talking female parrots.

4. "What do they say? _______ priest asked.

5. Do you want to have some _______ fun?

6. I have _______ solution to your problem.

7. Thank you, _______ Father!

8. The priest's two male _______ parrots are holding rosary beads.

9. Render the joke.

Section 6
Two bulls

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

«Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?» asked George.

«George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion,» said Sam.

«Okay, I can do that,» George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said, and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

«Now, George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end, and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle,» said Sam.

«OK, OK, let's go!» said George.

«Hang on, George! One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?» said Sam.

«Sure,» says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say, «Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am…»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bull бык

to satisfy удовлетворять

local местный

population население

heifer телка

to relax расслабляться

to line up выстраивать(ся)

feed trough кормушка

gal сленг girl девушка

ma'am разг.madam мадам

pretty excited разг. сильно возбужденный

here is how it works вот как это работает

in a nice orderly fashion чинно; стройными рядами

feeding time время кормления

Hang on! разг. Погоди!

a few more еще немного

is gonna разг., сленг is going to

this is gonna work это будет работать

to show respect показать (выказать) уважение

Sure! Точно! / Конечно!

to make sure удостовериться, делать наверняка

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many bulls were there?

2. What were their names?

3. Why was George pretty excited?

4. Where did he want to go and why?

5. Why did Sam suggest that they wait until the heifers were lined up at the feed trough?

6. Where did Sam and George plan to meet?

7. Did they meet?

8. Wasn't Sam a real gentleman?

9. Wasn't George a gentleman, either?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. There were two bulls, a young _______ named George and an old _______ named Sam.

2. It was that time of year _______ the local female population.

3. Young George was _______ excited.

4. George, _______.

5. We'll wait _______ they're lined up at the feed trough.

6. Feeding time came and all the heifers were _______ up.

7. Now, George, here is how this is _______ work.

8. One more important thing _______.

9. He remembers Sam's instructions about _______ polite.

3. Match the two parts of each sentence:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Молодой Джордж был здорово возбужден.

2. Пришло время кормления.

3. У Сэма было еще несколько советов.

4. Вот как это будет работать.

5. Встретимся в середине.

6. Погоди, Джордж. Стоит запомнить еще одну важную вещь.

7. Окажи им уважение и будь вежлив.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях There were two bulls… It was that time of year… мы имеем дело с конструкциями, в которых в качестве формального подлежащего используются местоимения there и it, сочетающиеся как со сказуемым с глаголом to be.

Проверьте, правильно ли вы используете эти конструкции в утвердительных и отрицательных предложениях (при необходимости см. грамматический комментарий; раздел 6).

6. Fill in the blanks:

1. How many bulls (was, were) _______ there on the farm?

2. (It, There) _______ was that time of year when bulls were pretty excited.

3. (It, There) _______ was the heifers that were lined up at the feed trough.

4. There (was, were) _______ a bull and some heifers there.

5. (There, It) _______ is one more important thing to remember.

6. (There, It) _______ was spring and the bulls were pretty excited.

7. (There, It) _______ was George who well remembered Sam's instructions about being polite.

7. Put the verbs in brackets into appropriate forms:

1. Two bulls (to want) _______ to satisfy all the local female population last year.

2. Sam (to go) _______ down to those heifers over there yesterday.

3. We (to wait) _______ until they're lined up at the feed trough.

4. We (to have) _______ our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion in five minutes.

5. Feeding time (just to come) _______. Line up!

6. Sam (to start) _______ at one end, and George started at the other.

7. We (to meet) _______ very soon. You'll have to wait a little.

8. Are you (to show) _______ respect to these ladies?

8. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (p…) население, 2. (t…) кормушка, 3. (s…) удовлетворять, 4. (r…) расслабляться, 5. (f…) кормление, 6. (r..) уважение, 7. (f…) особь женского пола, 8. (е…) восклицать, 9. (а…) позволять, 10. (р…) молиться.

9. Render the joke.

Section 7
Pig farm

A farmer got a good deal on a dozen pigs at an auction. When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girl pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so the farmer loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbor's pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor, «How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?» The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell. So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbor's again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife, «Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different.» She looked out the window and said, «Well, I don't know how different you mean but eleven of them are in the back of the truck and one is behind the wheel honking the horn!!!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

auction аукцион

to realize осознавать

to load грузить

truck грузовик

to check проверять

honey мед; зд. дорогая

wheel колесо; зд. рулевое колесо, баранка

to honk сигналить, гудеть

horn рог; зд. клаксон

to get a good deal on sth разг. совершить удачную покупку чего-л.

to get sth home разг. привезти, доставить что-л. домой

to start acting real different разг. начать вести себя действительно не так

next morning разг.the next morning

to be just acting normal разг. просто вести себя обычно

same thing no change разг. то же самое и никаких изменений

neighbor's соседский (дом, ферма)

to look out the window разг. to look out of the window

back of the truck зд. кузов грузовика

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many pigs did the farmer get at the auction?

2. What did he realize when he got home?

3. What did he speak with his neighbor about?

4. How did he get the pigs to the neighbor's farm?

5. How could the farmer get to know if his girl pigs were going to have babies?

6. How were the pigs acting after the farmer had brought them from his neighbor's for the first time?

7. How were they acting when the farmer's wife saw them out of the window?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A farmer got a good _______ on a dozen pigs.

2. When he got them home he _______ they were all females.

3. He wanted to bring his girl pigs _______ to the neighbor's boy pigs _______ they could get some baby pigs.

4. The farmer _______ the girl pigs in his truck.

5. That night he went back _______ them up.

6. They would start acting real_______.

7. Next morning he went and _______ his pigs.

3. Say if the statements are true or false:

1. A farmer got a good deal on a hundred dozen pigs at an auction.

2. When he got them home he realized they were all females.

3. The neighbor agreed and so the farmer loaded the boy pigs in his truck.

4. The neighbor said that they wouldn't act real different.

5. Next morning he was sitting at the table and he asked his wife if the pigs were acting different.

6. One of them is in the back of the truck and eleven are behind the wheel honking the horn.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Он поговорил со своим соседом, чтобы удостовериться, не может ли он привезти к нему своих поросят.

2. Сосед согласился, и фермер погрузил своих поросят на грузовик.

3. Тем же вечером он отправился назад, чтобы забрать их.

4. Как я узнаю, не собираются ли они иметь маленьких поросят?

5. Дорогая, выгляни в окно и посмотри, не ведут ли себя поросята необычно.

6. Одиннадцать из них – в кузове грузовика, а одна – за баранкой и сигналит.

Revise English Grammar

В предложениях The neighbor said that they would start acting real different… So next morning they were just acting normal… содержится характерное для разговорной речи нарушение согласования глагола и наречия – последнее заменено на прилагательное.

Нормативное согласование глагола и определяющих его частей речи предполагает следующую форму:

The neighbor said that they would really start acting differently…

So next morning they were just acting normally…, где обстоятельство образа действия выражено не прилагательным, а наречием.

Вместе с тем и в нормативном употреблении есть исключения.

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знакомы с правилом согласования глагола и наречия/прилагательного (в случае необходимости см. грамматический комментарий; раздел 7).

6. Fill in the blanks choosing the appropriate variant of the words in brackets:

1. What you say about your boy pigs sounds really (good, well) _______.

2. The neighbor (happy, happily) _______ agreed and

so the farmer (quick, quickly) _______ loaded his pigs in the truck.

3. Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting (different, differently) _______.

4. Eleven of them are in the back of the truck and one is behind the wheel honking the horn rather (loud, loudly) _______.

5. The farmer could (hard, hardly) _______ get his girl pigs home – so (happy, happily) _______ they were.

7. Make as many special questions as possible:

1. A farmer got a good deal on a dozen pigs at an auction.

2. The farmer loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbor's pigs.

3. The neighbor said that they would start acting real different.

4. Next morning he went and checked his pigs.

5. Next morning he was sitting at the table.

8. Render the joke.

Section 8
Darling, i have a confession

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, «Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?»

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, «Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?»

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, «Darling, I've a confession to make.»

And she says, «So have I, love.»

He cries out, «Don't tell me you've eaten my socks!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

confession признание

couple пара

honeymoon медовый месяц

edge край

bathtub ванна

smelly пахучий, вонючий

to stink вонять

to manage удаваться, преуспевать в чем-л.

to date зд. встречаться до брака

meanwhile тем временем

breath дыхание

to court ухаживать

gently мягко

to climb забираться

hers ее

to keep sth from sb скрывать что-л. от кого-л.

to be bound быть вынужденным

to find out обнаруживать

sooner or later рано или поздно

to be lucky быть удачливым

as soon as как только, так…

to pluck up enough courage собраться с духом

So have I. И я тоже.

Exercises to the text

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Where was the husband sitting?

2. What did he worry about?

3. Guess how he had managed to keep his socks as well as his feet away from his would-be wife while they were dating?

4. Where was the wife sitting?

5. How long would it take the man to learn everything about his wife's breath, she thought?

6. Why did the man think that his wife had eaten his socks?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A young couple _______ on their honeymoon.

2. How can I tell my wife that my socks _______ stink?

3. I've _______ to keep it from her while we were dating.

4. I've been very _______ to keep it from him.

5. He's _______ to find out.

6. How do I tell him _______?

7. Darling, I've a _______ to make.

8. So have I, _______.

3. Match the two parts of each sentence:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Рано или поздно она вынуждена будет обнаружить это.

2. Тем временем жена сидела в постели.

3. Мне удавалось делать это, пока мы встречались.

4. Как мне сказать ему об этом мягко?

5. Муж наконец собирается с духом.

6. Он забирается к своей жене, обвивает ее шею своей рукой и говорит.

7. Я тоже, любовь моя.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении A young couple were on their honeymoon… подлежащее, выраженное существительным в форме единственного числа, согласуется со сказуемым, выраженным глаголом во множественном числе.

Проверьте свои знания согласования подлежащего и сказуемого в английском предложении. В случае необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 8).

6. Choose the appropriate form of the verb:

1. The husband, as well as his wife, (was, were) _______ in the hotel.

2. It (was, were) _______ the young couple who rented the apartment.

3. Both the husband and the wife (was, were) _______ bound to find it out.

4. Everyone in the house (know, knows) _______ that they have left.

5. Both (was, were) _______ afraid to confess their secrets to each other.

6. A pair of his socks (was, were) _______ lying on the table.

7. Neither my wife nor her relatives (know, knows) _______ that my feet stink.

8. The number of married couples in our hotel (is, are) _______ growing.

9. Honeymoon Jokes (is, are) _______ the most funny section of the book.

Revise English Grammar

В предложении And she says, «So have I, love»… используется краткая форма выражения солидарности с предыдущей репликой диалога. Таких форм – положительных и отрицательных – существует несколько.

Проверьте свои знания данных форм, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 9).

7. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms. Follow the directions given:

Model:

1. We were on our honeymoon. (They – so): So were they.

2. The husband wasn't sitting in the bathroom. (I – neither): Neither was I.

1. I've got really smelly feet. (they – too)

2. My socks absolutely stink. (mine – also)

3. I didn't manage to keep it from her. (we – either)

4. We weren't dating. (they – neither)

5. I've been very lucky to keep it from him. (she – so)

6. The husband has finally plucked up enough courage. (I – so)

7. He hadn't walked into the bedroom. (she – either)

8. He won't walk over to the bed. (I – neither)

9. He didn't put his arm around her neck. (I – either)

10. He moves his face very close to hers. (I – too)

11. I've a confession to make. (she – so)

8. Insert articles where necessary:

1. The husband was sitting in _______ bathroom on edge of the bathtub.

2. I've got really smell _______ feet and my socks absolutely stink.

3. I've managed to keep it from _______ her while we were dating.

4. The wife was sitting in _______ bed.

5. How do I tell my _______ husband that I've got really badbreath?

6. The husband plucks up enoug _______ hcourage.

7. He walks into _______ bedroom.

8. He puts his arm around her _______ neck.

9. Render the joke.