Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 56
St. patrick's day engagement

An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»

Words and Expressions:

engagement помолвка

to propose делать предложение

ring кольцо

synthetic синтетический

diamond алмаз

lass разг. девушка, возлюбленная

jeweler ювелир

vehement неистовый, пылкий

in honor в честь

sham поддельный

rock камень

shamrock трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)

Section 57
At the post office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

«But why?» asks the curious fellow.

«I'm a divorce lawyer,» the gentleman replies.

Words and Expressions:

bald лысый

balding лысеющий

counter прилавок, стойка

methodically методично

to place зд. наклеивать

stamp марка

envelope конверт

heart сердце

perfume духи

to spray разбрызгивать

scent духи

to sign подписывать

lawyer адвокат

his curiosity getting the better of him любопытство берет в нем верх

Guess who? Догадайся, от кого это?

Section 58
A letter of apology

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a «dirty son of a bitch» to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Eve Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you that evening. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your bra up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my best to come to the picnic next Friday.

Words and Expressions:

apology извинение

beloved любимый

to be aware осознавать

baboon павиан, бабуин

whore проститутка, шлюха

strictly строго; в строгом смысле

figment фикция, вымысел

imagination воображение

undoubtedly без сомнения

water cooler аппарат для охлаждения воды

incident происшествие, случай

jug кувшин, сосуд

regrets сожаления

defense защита

to remind напоминать

escapade эскапада, проделка

stairway лестница

bannister перила

landing лестничная площадка

rupture перелом

to incur получать (ранение)

to land приземляться

to admit признавать

cuss сленг тупой малый

to forgive прощать

goose сленг дурак

story этаж

to regret сожалеть (о чем-л.)

fireman пожарник

false alarm ложная тревога

fire hoses пожарные шланги

pressure давление

broom closet хозяйственное помещение (чулан для швабр)

to startle пугать

to bump ударять(ся)

chin подбородок

dentist дантист

plates вставные челюсти

excuse извинение

to embarrass ошеломлять, ставить в неловкое положение

bra разг. бюстгальтер

flagpole флагшток

to urinate мед. мочиться

to apologize извиняться

son of a bitch сукин сын

deaf and dumb глухонемой

in spite of несмотря на

to break a fall разг. прерывать падение

it makes me sick (при мысли об этом) меня тошнит, мне плохо

to pass out сленг вырубаться

bad taste дурной вкус

Section 59
New year's eve at the pub

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Words and Expressions:

the stroke of midnight момент наступления полуночи

kind of разг. типа

to crush to death задавить насмерть

Section 60
New year's eve at the pub – 2

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

«Why of course?» comes the reply.

The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»

«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.

The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, «Where in Ireland are you from?»

«Dublin,» comes the reply.

«I can't believe it,» says the first man. «I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, «What school did you go to?»

«Saint Mary's,» replies the second man. «I graduated in '62.»

«This is unbelievable!» the first man says. «I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!»

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

«What's been going on?» he asks the bartender. «Nothing much,» replies the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again.»

Words and Expressions:

to stumble up подходить, спотыкаясь

patron постоянный посетитель

to graduate заканчивать школу

regular постоянный посетитель

Why of course? А почему бы и нет?

You don't say! Не может быть!

another round to Ireland еще один раз (стаканчик) за Ирландию

What's been going on? Что происходит?

Section 61
The work crew

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. «I can't stand this,» said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

«Hold it, hold it,» he said to the men. «Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?»

«You don't understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work and get paid.»

Words and Expressions:

crew бригада, команда

rural сельский

gas station автозаправочная станция

tank бак

soft легкий, мягкий; зд. безалкогольный

cola кока-кола

to move on двигаться дальше

to fill in заполнять, засыпать

to toss пихать, совать

trash мусор, отходы

container контейнер

county округ, район, графство

to accomplish завершать, заканчивать

to waste тратить попусту

to lean склоняться, наклоняться, опираться (на что-л.)

shovel лопата

to wipe вытирать

brow лоб

to stick втыкать, вставлять

dirt грязь, почва, земля

to be sick болеть

to come along идти следом, подходить

Hold it! Постой! Подожди!

that don't mean разг that doesn't mean

Section 62
Job applicants

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, «What do two plus two equal?»

The mathematician replies, «Four.»

The interviewer asks, «Four, exactly?»

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, «Yes, four, exactly.»

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The accountant says, «On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.»

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, «What do you want it to equal?»

Words and Expressions:

job работа, рабочее место

applicant соискатель, претендент на рабочее место

mathematician математик

interviewer интервьюер, проводящий собеседование

to call in вызывать (в кабинет)

to equal равняться, быть равным

exactly точно

incredulous недоверчивый, скептический

percent процент, проценты

to lock запирать (дверь)

shade жалюзи, шторы

to apply for подавать заявление о приеме

What do two plus two equal? Чему равняется два плюс два?

on average в среднем

give or take ten percent плюс-минус десять процентов

to pose a question задавать вопрос, ставить вопрос

Section 63
Schubert's productivity

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Words and Expressions:

productivity производительность (труда)

chairman президент

ticket билет

performance исполнение

unfinished неоконченный

symphony симфония

invitation приглашение

plausible вероятный, правдоподобный

memorandum меморандум, служебная записка

as follows следующим образом

considerable значительный

oboe муз. гобой

to reduce сокращать

to spread распределять, рассредоточивать

orchestra оркестр

to avoid избегать

peak пик, вершина

inactivity бездействие, отсутствие активности

violin скрипка

identical идентичный, подобный

note нота

duplication удвоение, дублирование

staff адм. штат, персонал

drastically решительно, круто

volume объем

to obtain получать, приобретать, достигать

amplifier усилитель

effort усилие

to involve вовлекать, вводить

semiquaver муз. шестнадцатая (нота)

demi-semiquavers муз. тридцать вторая (нота)

excessive избыточный

refinement украшение

to round up свести, округлить

trainee ученик

craftsman мастер

purpose цель

horn рожок

passage муз. пассаж

to handle обращаться (зд. играть, исполнять)

strings струнные

redundant избыточный

to eliminate изымать, уничтожать

concert концерт

to conclude заключать, подводить итоги

matters обстоятельства

Quality Assurance Manager менеджер по контролю за качеством

instead of вместо

in light of the above в свете вышеизложенного

Section 64
Husband's checkup

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, «You're going to die.»

Words and Expressions:

checkup проверка, осмотр

to accompany сопровождать

aside в сторону

mood настроение

nutritious питательный

especially особенно

to burden обременять, нагружать

household домашний, хозяйственный

chore домашняя работа

whim прихоть, каприз

good frame of mind хорошее расположение духа

Section 65
2 Drops every 4 hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, «Put two drops in right ear every four hours,» and he abbreviated «right» as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

«Put two drops in R ear every four hours.»

Words and Expressions:

actually действительно

practice практика

earache боль в ухе

prescription предписание, рецепт

ear drops ушные капли

to abbreviate сокращать, давать аббревиатуру

circle кружок

greasy замасленный

oil масло

pharmacist фармацевт

to type напечатать

label ярлык, этикетка

rear сленг зад

back in the early days давно в прошлом

Section 66
Bob's doctor

«Would you mind telling me, Doctor,» Bob asked, «how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?»

«Nothing is easier,» he replied. «You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.»

«What sort of question?»

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, «You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don't know much about history.»

Words and Expressions:

to detect определять

mental умственный

deficiency недостаточность, неполноценность

nervous нервный

to put sb on the track наводить кого-л. на след

What sort of…? Какого типа…?

Section 67
Doc, i'm constipated

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, «Doc, I'm constipated.»

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, «Lean over the table.»

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, «Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?»

The doctor says, «Stop wiping with cement bags!»

Words and Expressions:

construction строительный

constipation запор

to be constipated страдать запором

to whack разг. сильно ударять

baseball бейсбольный

bat бита

to prevent предотвращать

cement цемент

bag мешок

Section 68
The heavenly baseball game

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. «How can you win, Satan?» asked St. Peter. "«All the famous ballplayers are up here.»

«How can I lose?» answered Satan. «All the umpires are down there.»

Words and Expressions:

heavenly небесный

to win выигрывать, побеждать

famous знаменитый

to lose проигрывать

umpire арбитр

to challenge sb to sth бросать кому-л. вызов в чем-л.

Section 69
Irish golfer and the magician

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. «Goodness,» says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, «Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.»

The man says, «I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,» and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, «Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.»

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, «I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?»

The golfer says, «It's great! I always win.»

«I did that for you,» responds the magician. «And might I ask how your money is holding out?»

«Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,» he replied.

The magician smiles and says, «I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?»

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, «Well, maybe once or twice a week.»

Floored the magician stammers, «Once or twice a week?»

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, «Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.»

Words and Expressions:

to crank бить по мячу неуверенно, неточно

fairway гольф маршрут

knot зд. чалма

to revive оживлять

to depart отбывать, уходить

unlimited неограниченный

to mention упоминать

floored сленг удивленный

to stammer заикаться

priest священник

parish приход

Goodness! Боже!

upon awakening по пробуждении

you caught me fair and square разг. ты достал меня прямо и открыто

to grant sb's wishes выполнить чьи-л. желания