Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 22:

2. 1. A couple was enjoying a dinner out.

2. A brunette exchanged warm greetings with the husband.

3. I want a divorce!

4. Do you want to give up our big house in the suburbs?

5. They continued dining in silence.

6. Finally, the woman nudged her husband.

3. true: 3, 4, 5. false: 1, 2, 6.

4. 1-f, 2-a, 3-g, 4-b, 5-h, 6-c, 7–1, 8-d, 9-j, 10-e, 11-k.

5. 1. A married couple was enjoying a dinner out.

2. If you must know, that was my mistress.

3. That's it!

4. The husband looked her straight in the eye.

5. Do you want to give up your Mercedes, your furs and your jewelry?

6. For a long time they continued dining in silence.

7. Who's he with?

8. Ours is much cuter.

6. 1. a married couple seemed to be enjoying their dinner.

2. They really enjoyed having their dinner all alone.

3. The wife objected to her husband's drinking too much of champagne.

4. The waiter kept bringing more and more delicious food.

5. The wife didn't expect her husband to exchange warm greetings with a woman who appeared to be a total stranger to her.

6. She insisted on having a divorce.

7. Do you want to give up our big house in the suburbs?

8. She didn't mind having a mistress who was much cuter than that of Howard's.

7. 1. – howard has a big house.

– Ours is bigger.

2. – Howard's wife has much jewelry.

– Yours is more expensive.

3. – Howard has a new car.

– Mine is newer.

4. – Howard has a cute mistress.

– Ours is cuter.

Section 23:

2. 1. These years were filled with constant arguments.

2. They decided that the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

3. They had been at each other's throat for some time.

4. They felt that this was their last straw.

5. When they arrived at the office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

6. What seems to be the problem?

7. The husband held his long face down without anything to say.

3. 1-b, 2-d, 3-f, 4-e, 5-c, 6-a.

4. 1-f, 2-d, 3-Е, 4-g, 5-a, 6-h, 7–1, 8-b, 9-c.

5. 1. On the other hand, the wife began describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

2. After listening to the wife, he picked her up by her shoulders.

3. He kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

4. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

5. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

6. The counselor suggested that the husband do that at least twice a week.

7. The husband scratched his head.

6. 1. They spent very few days without heated arguments.

2. They had little hope to save their marriage.

3. The counselor was a little surprised when he heard the couple's story.

4. He thought there was little hope left, but still he agreed to help.

5. After a few visits to the counselor's office they felt better.

6. When she began to speak, he understood very little, so fast she spoke.

7. And only a few words were intelligible.

8. She sat silently a few minutes, and then they left.

7. 1. If we don't try counseling, our marriage will end up in a divorce.

2. If you argue with me any more, I will leave you forever.

3. As soon as you understand that it's our last straw, things will turn for the better.

4. You've got to tell me, when you will go to visit the counselor tomorrow.

5. When you arrive at the counselor's office, the counselor will jump right in and open the floor for discussion.

6. If she doesn't stop talking 90 miles an hour, I will have to stop her by a kiss.

7. She will continue talking her head off until you kiss her.

8. I will bring her here every Tuesday if she agrees.

Section 24:

2. 1. She goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work.

2. Well, one Thursday, she has an incredible hand.

3. And she dashes out of her friend's house.

4. All she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf.

5. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.

6. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

7. After the funeral all attacked our new widow.

3. True: 1, 3. False: 2, 4, 5, 6.

4. 1-A, 2-B, 3-K, 4-E, 5-F, 6-L, 7-G, 8-H, 9-C, 10-D, 11-1, 12-J.

5. 1. She goes home to fix her husband dinner.

2. She has an incredible hand when she notices the time.

3. She dashes out of her friend's house.

4. She realizes she has very little time.

5. All she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

6. She watches in horror as her husband sits down to his dinner.

7. Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner.

8. We told you that feeding him that cat food would do him in!

6. 1. Her husband insisted on being given good healthy food for his dinner.

2. She couldn't help staying in the club until the game was over.

3. He was looking forward to being served that cat food for his dinner.

4. She didn't object at all to his climbing the mantel whenever he wanted.

5. He did not mind being fed cat food at all.

6. She enjoyed playing bridge with the ladies.

7. 1. She said to her cronies, «I have to go home and fix my husband his dinner.»

2. He asked her, «Did you have an incredible hand in bridge?»

3. She said, «My husband is going to be angry if it is not ready on time.»

4. He said, «This is the best dinner you have ever made for me in forty years of marriage.»

5. He said to her, «Make this for me any old day.»

6. They said, «You are going to kill your husband.»

7. The ladies said, «You really killed him with the cat food.»

8. She said to her cronies, «Don't blame me for it.»

8. 1. lettuce, 2. garnish, 3. murder, 4. counsel, 5. wrongs,

6. scratch, 7. exchange, 8. demand, 9. mistress, 10. jewelry.

Section 25:

2. 1. two guys are talking about their boss's wedding.

2. It's ridiculous, he's 93 years old.

3. What kind of a wedding is that?

4. What do you call it?

5. The girl's waiting for him to kick off!

3. 1-c, 2-d, 3-a, 4-b, 5-e.

4. 1-Е, 2-d, 3-f, 4-c, 5-g, 6-b, 7-h, 8-a.

5. 1. She's just 26!

2. We have a name for it in my family.

3. We call it a football wedding.

6. 1. He has divorced recently, and he just wants to get himself another wife.

2. All other wives that he has had were also much younger than he was.

3. Another wedding, and he will really kick off.

4. Two guys turned up at the wedding; one was the bestman, the other was his friend.

5. About half a hundred people invited to the wedding managed to get into the church; others had to wait outside.

Section 26:

2. 1. A fellow was talking to his buddy.

2. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything.

3. Make up a certificate.

4. If you did it, she'd probably be thrilled.

5. Did you take my suggestion?

6. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out.

3. true: 1, 4, 5. false: 2, 3, 6.

4. 1-a, 2-Е, 3-c, 4–1, 5-f, 6-h, 7-b, 8-g, 9-d.

5. 1. I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

2. I'm stumped.

3. I have an idea.

4. So the fellow did.

5. She ran out the door yelling, «I'll be back in an hour!!!»

6. 1. If I knew what to get my wife for her birthday, I would be really happy.

2. If she had needed something, she would have told me.

3. I would not be stumped, if she told me what she wants.

4. She would be even more thrilled, if you did it yourself.

5. If I hadn't taken your suggestion, people wouldn't have made fun of me.

6. She would have been back in an hour, if she hadn't met you on the way.

7. If you hadn't been so stupid, you wouldn't have made up a certificate of this sort.

Section 27:

2. 1. Tom's wife wasn't very attractive.

2. He was no oil-painting, either.

3. How much is the cost of the ceremony?

4. Give me what it is worth to have this lady for your wife.

5. Tom handed the minister $50.

6. The minister gave him $42 change.

3. 1-c, 2-d, 3-a, 4-e, 5-b, 6-f.

4. 1-a, 2-Е, 3-c, 4-g, 5-h, 6-b, 7-f, 8-d.

5. 1. after the ceremony, tom asked the minister how much the cost was.

2. Just give me what you think your wife costs.

3. Do you want to have this lady for your wife?

4. Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister $50.

5. The minister looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.

6. 1. I wish I were an oil-painting.

2. It's time I got married.

3. If only he had told me yesterday how much it cost.

4. I wish you hadn't given me so much money.

5. It's time you gave me 42 dollars change.

6. If only he had looked at her before taking to church.

7. 1. wish, 2. attractive, 3. minister, 4. change, 5. afford, 6. stump, 7. cost, 8. besides, 9. yell, 10. hand.

Section 28:

2. 1. They both worked full time.

2. Housework, he declared, was woman's work.

3. Mary found the children bathed.

4. A load of wash was in the dryer.

5. She was astonished.

6. It turned out that Charley had read a magazine article.

7. Working wives could be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired.

8. They had to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

9. Charley helped the kids with their homework.

3. True: 2, 3, 6. False: 1, 4, 5.

4. 1-Е, 2-K, 3-F, 4-C, 5-L, 6-G, 7-A, 8-H, 9-B, 10-I, 11-D, 12-J.

5. 1. He never did anything around the house.

2. Mary arrived home from work to find a load of wash in the washing machine.

3. There was dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

4. She immediately wanted to know what was going on.

5. The article said that working wives could be more romantically inclined.

6. In addition she held down a full-time job.

7. She couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.

8. And what about afterward?

6. 1. if he loved his wife, he would work around the house.

2. If she were not so tired at work, she could be romantically inclined every day.

3. If she had come home earlier, he wouldn't have had time to do all the work about the house.

4. If they had a grandpa or a grandma, they could look after the kids.

5. If he hadn't read this magazine, he might have not cooked dinner.

6. If he hadn't been so tired, this would have worked.

7. 1. Mary does all the housework.

2. The husband bathed the children.

3. Charley has laid the table.

4. What she saw astonished Mary.

5. Mary is folding the laundry herself.

Section 29:

2. 1. Two Yuppettes were shopping.

2. They started to discuss their home lives.

3. Seems like all we do anymore is fight.

4. I've lost 20 pounds.

5. Why don't you just leave him?

6. I'd rather not.

3. 1-F, 2-C, 3-E, 4-B, 5-D, 6-A.

4. 1-D, 2-G, 3-C, 4-E, 5-A, 6-F, 7-B.

5. 1. I've been so upset.

2. Why don't you leave him?

3. Not yet.

4. I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.

6. 1. I'd rather that you went shopping.

2. We'd better not discuss our home lives.

3. You'd better not fight all the time.

4. I'd rather lose 20 pounds than be fat.

5. You'd better leave him.

6. I'd rather not reply.

Section 30:

2. 1. The man went straight up to the bedroom.

2. He found his wife fast asleep.

3. The horny husband crawled under the sheet.

4. He hurried downstairs for something to eat.

5. How did you get down so fast?

6. She came over early and had complained of having a headache.

7. I can't believe this happened.

3. true: 1, 4, 6. false: 2, 3, 5, 7.

4. 1-c, 2-g, 3-d, 4-f, 5-a, 6-h, 7–1, 8-b, 9-j, 10-e.

5. 1. A man returned home from the night shift.

2. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head.

3. Not to be denied, he crawled under the sheet.

4. He was startled to find breakfast on the table.

5. «Oh my God,» his wife gasped. «That's my mother up there!»

6. I told her to lie down for a while.

7. The wife rushed upstairs.

6. 1. Did the man find anyone in the bedroom?

2. es, he found someone there.

3. Did he notice anything strange about the woman in bed?

4. No, there was something on her head so he couldn't see the face.

5. His wife was somewhere downstairs.

6. She was preparing something for her husband to eat.

7. Did his wife tell anything to her mother?

8. After he learnt what had happened, he could eat nothing.

7. 1. His wife was used to lying in bed with a sheet pulled over her head.

2. I used to crawl under the sheet.

3. She uses the sheet to cover her face.

4. He is used to having breakfast early in the morning after work.

5. The wife used to make breakfast by seven.

6. I use a frying-pan to cook meat.

7. He will get used to the mother's-in-law presence in the wife's bed.

8. 1. if she hadn't pulled the sheet over her head, he would have recognized her.

2. If he had worked day shift, nothing would have happened.

3. If she had been in the bedroom, she wouldn't have had time to prepare breakfast so quickly.

4. If she hadn't had a headache, she would't have pulled the sheet over her head.

5. If she had spoken, she would have broken the rule which she had set for herself.

9. 1. complain, 2. shift, 3. jerk, 4. deny, 5. laundry, 6. addition, 7. headache, 8. rush, 9. pull, 10. fold.