Текст книги "Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни"

Section 9:

2. 1. a couple was planning on getting married.

2. They decided to just go back to their new apartment.

3. The groom had three close friends.

4. They were prone to committing practical jokes.

5. They decided to pull a practical joke on their friends.

6. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats.

7. The bed would collapse.

8. Their feet didn't reach the bottom.

3. True: 2, 4. False: 1, 3, 5, 6.

4. 1-Е, 2-h, 3-a, 4-g, 5-b, 6-j, 7–1, 8-d, 9-m, 10-k, 11-c, 12-L, 13-F.

5. 1. A couple was planning on getting married.

2. The groom had three close friends.

3. They were prone to committing practical jokes.

4. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed.

5. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

6. I'm gonna kill the bastard!

6. 1. as the young couple didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided that they would go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

2. The groom's close friends thought that they would act wisely if they committed some practical jokes on their newly married friends.

3. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats.

4. They thought that when the couple climbed into bed, the bed would collapse.

5. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed, so that their feet would not reach the bottom.

6. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

7. 1. commit,

2. collapse,

3. married,

4. confession,

5. couple,

6. breath,

7. courage,

8. lucky,

9. realize,

10. load.

Section 10:

2. 1. The hotel was all abuzz about the wedding.

2. The groom looked pretty feeble.

3. The feeling was that the wedding night might kill him.

4. The next morning, the bride came down the main staircase.

5. She finally managed to get to the counter.

6. The clerk looked really concerned.

7. You look like you've been wrestling an alligator.

3. 1-g, 2-d, 3-f, 4-e, 5-b, 6-c, 7-a.

4. 1-c, 2-f, 3-d, 4-h, 5-l, 6-b, 7-j, 8–1, 9-k, 10-a, 11-g, 12-e.

5. 1. The groom looked pretty feeble.

2. The wedding night might kill him.

3. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride slowly came down the staircase, hanging onto the bannister.

4. The clerk looked really concerned.

5. You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

6. 1. A small tourist hotel has been waiting for the newly married since early in the morning.

2. They have come to the conclusion about their age only after a long discussion.

3. The bride had been preparing for the wedding night for about two hours, and when she was ready, the groom had already fallen asleep.

4. She has been wrestling with this crocodile since midnight.

5. I've been saving up money in the bank for twenty five years, and I have already saved up about ten bucks.

Section 11:

2. 1. They celebrated their first night together.

2. What do newlyweds do all night long?

3. The groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel there.

4. He asks the bride to please bring a towel.

5. He is exposing his body for the first time.

6. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway they stopped.

7. She asked shyly, «What's THAT?»

3. True: 1, 3, 4. False: 2, 5, 6.

4. 1-Е, 2-h, 3-c, 4-k, 5-f, 6-b, 7-j, 8-g, 9–1, 10-a, 11-d.

5. 1. They were doing that all night long, time and time again.

2. He emerged from the shower but found no towel.

3. She saw all of him well.

4. Her eyes went up and down, and at about midway they stopped.

5. She asked shyly.

6. Is that all we have left?

6. 1. I asked her when she had been married.

2. He said they had celebrated their first night together.

3. He whispered that they were doing what newlyweds always did.

4. The groom said he would go into the bathroom.

5. He asked her to bring a towel from the bedroom.

6. She wanted to know where he was.

7. He wondered why she was staring at him in such a way.

8. He said that was what they had so much fun with the night before.

9. And she asked in despair if that was all they had left.

7. 1. When the young couple were getting married, they decided they would celebrate their first night together.

2. He said that he would go to the bathroom in the morning.

3. Morning came and the groom went into the bathroom but found no towel there.

4. When she got to the bathroom door, he had already opened it from inside.

5. She said that was all that they had left.

Section 12:

2. 1. Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon.

2. His toes were all twisted and discolored.

3. What happened to your feet?

4. I had a childhood disease called tolio.

5. It only affects the toes.

6. He removed his pants and revealed a pair of knees.

3. 1-C, 2-B, 3-D, 4-A, 5-E.

4. 1-f, 2-c, 3-d, 4-h, 5-b, 6-g, 7-Е, 8-А.

5. 1. He took off his shoes and socks.

2. What happened to your toes?

3. I had a childhood disease called measles.

4. He revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

5. It only affects the knees.

6. His wife gasped and said, «Don't tell me, you also had smallpox!»

6. 1. Two newlyweds were invited to their friend's house to spend the honeymoon here last year.

2. Just you wait! The shoes will be taken off in a moment.

3. The socks are being dried at present.

4. My toes are twisted because of the disease I had in childhood.

5. At last the pants have been removed.

6. His knees were definitely affected by polio.

7. 1. His wife wanted to know what had happened to his feet.

2. He told her he had had a childhood disease called tolio.

3. She asked if he meant polio.

4. She wanted to know what had happened to his knees.

5. He said he had also had kneesles.

6. She asked if he was having anything then.

7. He said it only affected the knees.

8. She asked not to tell her that he had also had smallcox.

8. 1. toe,

2. disease,

3. remove,

4. reveal,

5. amazement,

6. healthy,

7. wrestle,

8. groan,

9. bride,

10. awful.

Section 13:

2. 1. A man and his wife are visiting the local zoo.

2. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting dress.

3. They walk through the ape exhibit.

4. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the lady.

5. The man suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

6. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.

7. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

3. True: 2, 3. False: 1, 4, 5, 6.

4. 1-D, 2-G, 3-C, 4–1, 5-H, 6-L, 7-A, 8-K, 9-B, 10-E, 11-J, 12-F.

5. 1. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting dress, sleeveless, with straps.

2. The gorilla begins to go ape.

3. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the lady in the pink dress.

4. The husband suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

5. He is making noises that would wake the dead.

6. The gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

7. He quickly grabs her and flings into the cage.

6. 1. The man insisted that his wife wear a cute, loose-fitting dress.

2. It is imperative that we walk through the ape exhibit.

3. The husband proposed that his wife tease the poor fellow.

4. Then the husband urged her wife to let one of her straps fall.

5. It is necessary to tear the bars down.

6. It is important that you lift your dress up your thighs.

7. It was a recommendation that you grab your wife and fling her into the cage.

7. 1. I want you to visit the local zoo.

2. I expect you to wear this cute dress.

3. Don't make him go ape.

4. I saw him jumping up on the bars.

5. They heard the gorilla grunt and pound his chest with his free hand.

6. I watched her wiggling her bottom.

7. The husband noticed the ape being excited, and wanted his wife to tease the poor fellow even more.

8. 1. The local zoo is being visited by a man and his wife.

2. His chest is pounded with his free hand.

3. The gorilla is obviously excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

4. The dead would be woken by the noises.

5. The bars are being torn down by the gorilla.

6. Her dress has been lifted up her thighs.

7. The poor gorilla is driven absolutely crazy.

8. The wife is grabbed and flung in with the gorilla by her husband.

Section 14:

2. 1. a husband said to his wife, «i invited a friend home for supper.»

2. Are you crazy?

3. The house is a mess.

4. All the dishes are dirty.

5. I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal.

6. Why did you invite a friend for supper?

7. The poor fool is thinking about getting married.

3. 1-d, 2-c, 3-b, 4-e, 5-a.

4. 1-d, 2-c, 3-f, 4-b, 5-h, 6-g, 7-Е, 8-А.

5. 1. I invited a friend home for supper.

2. Are you crazy?

3. I didn't go shopping.

4. I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal.

5. The poor fool is thinking about getting married.

6. 1. Instead of going to the restaurant with a friend he invited him home for supper.

2. She is talking to the husband now.

3. On coming home he went shopping.

4. I am fond of washing dishes.

5. He finished working after 6 o'clock.

6. He stopped eating and looked at the watch.

7. We are eating salad.

8. I am fond of shopping.

9. The man smoking a cigarette is my brother.

Section 15:

2. 1. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away.

2. He takes off his shoes, careful not to make a noise.

3. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room.

4. He gets hit by a frying pan.

5. He tells the story to a friend at the local watering hole.

6. His best friend sadly shakes his head.

7. I go borrow my bud's Harley.

8. I take the Harley rat up on the porch.

3. true: 1, 3, 5, 6. false: 2, 4, 7.

4. 1-Е, 2-D, 3–1,4-B, 5-H, 6-J, 7-F, 8-A, 9-G, 10-C.

5. 1. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs.

2. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room.

3. He gets hit by a frying pan.

4. His best friend sadly shakes his head.

5. Now here's how I do it.

6. I take the Harley rat up on the porch.

7. I slam open the door and scream.

8. My wife is always asleep.

6. 1. Having got drunk, the guy came home real late.

2. Trying to avoid the little woman, he left his car a block away from his home.

3. Walking up the stairs, he tries his best not to make a noise.

4. Opening quietly the door and tiptoeing into the room, he gets hit by a frying pan.

5. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, he sees him sadly shake his head.

6. Taking the Harley rat up on the porch, I start screamin' and a cussin'.

7. Slamming open the door and screamin', he finds his wife always asleep.

7. 1. avoid,

2. tiptoe,

3. borrow,

4. local,

5. mess,

6. exhibit,

7. excitement,

8 fellow,

9. ape,

10. sleeveless.

Section 16:

2. 1. Two of the guys are talking about the amount of control they had over their wives.

2. The third guy remained quiet.

3. After a while one of the first two guys turned to the third one.

4. What sort of control do you have over your wife?

5. Just the other night my wife came to me.

6. The first two guys were amazed.

7. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer.

3. 1-Е, 2-F, 3-C, 4-A, 5-B, 6-D, 7-G.

4. 1-D, 2-Е, 3-C, 4-F, 5-H, 6-G, 7-B, 8-A.

5. 1. There were three guys talking in the pub.

2. What is the amount of control you have over your wife?

3. The third guy remained quiet.

4. After a while one of the first two turned to the third.

5. Well, what about you?

6. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

7. What happened then?

6. 1. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they got over their wives.

2. What sort of control do you get over your wife?

3. I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife got to me on her hands and knees.

4. The first two guys got amazed.

5. The third man got a healthy swallow of his beer.

Section 17:

2. 1. two couples wanted to join a church.

2. We have special requirements for new parishioners.

3. You must abstain from having sex.

4. No problem at all, Pastor.

5. Welcome to the church!

6. I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

7. We were not able to go without sex.

8. My wife was reaching for a can of corn.

3. true: 2, 3, 5, false: 1, 4, 6, 7.

4. 1-Е, 2-a, 3-f, 4–1, 5-b, 6-j, 7-g, 8-c, 9-h, 10-d.

5. 1. three couples wanted to join a church.

2. We have special requirements for new parishioners.

3. The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

4. No problem at all, Pastor.

5. Congratulations! Welcome to the church!

6. The first week was not too bad.

7. I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

8. I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

9. We're not welcome at the local supermarket anymore either.

6. 1.you can join the church.

2. You'll be able to join the church if you meet special requirements.

3. You must abstain from sex for three weeks.

4. We can't do this.

5. We were to come in three weeks.

6. We were not able to do this.

7. I had to sleep on the couch.

8. I didn't have to sleep on the couch.

9. May I join your church without a trial period?

10. I was allowed to do it without a trial period.

11. You shouldn't go to the local supermarket anymore.

7. 1. It's a recommendation that you join a church.

2. It's necessary that we have special requirements for new parishioners.

3. He suggested that we abstain from having sex for two weeks.

4. He urged them to come back at the end of two weeks.

5. He found it necessary to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

8. 1. I want you to join a church.

2. He expected them to abstain from having sex for two weeks.

3. The pastor saw the elderly couple enter the church.

4. He let them pass over to the altar.

5. This made him sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

6. He watched the wife trying to reach for a can of corn.

7. He saw her pick the can up.

8. This made him take advantage of her right there.

Section 18:

2. 1. An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

2. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation.

3. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

4. Finally the old man decided to broach the subject of sex.

5. Oh, I like to have it infrequently.

6. Was that one word or two?

3. True: 2, 6. False: 1, 3, 4, 5.

4. 1-d, 2-c, 3–1, 4-e, 5-b, 6-j, 7-h, 8-k, 9-a, 10-f, 11-g.

5. 1. An elderly couple decided it was finally time to marry.

2. Before the wedding they spoke about how their marriage might work.

3. Finally he decided to speak about their connubial relationship.

4. Oh, I like to have it infrequently.

5. Was that one word or two?

6. 1. An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

2. They had been meeting from May till December.

3. Before the wedding they met at the restaurant, and after dinner they embarked on a long conversation.

4. They spoke about their living arrangements and the way they would spend their honeymoon.

5. She wanted to go to Naples, while he insisted on staying in the USA.

6. He took the bottle of champagne which stood in front of him on the dinner table and poured some wine into her glass.

7. The old man decided to discuss the subject of their connubial relations.

8. She flung the wine into his face saying, «What do you take me for?»

7. 1. we don't have to date any more.

2. We can get married.

3. We must discuss how our marriage will work.

4. Do we have to discuss finances?

5. May I broach the subject of our connubial relations?

6. I have to ask you if I can discuss this point as well.

7. Will I be allowed to do it frequently?

8. I wasn't able to understand what she meant.

8. 1. they had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

2. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation.

3. They discussed how their marriage might work.

4. They discussed finances.

5. Finally the old man decided to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

6. How do you feel about sex?

9.1. finances,

2. connubial,

3. respond,

4. elderly,

5. abstain,

6. welcome,

7. overcome,

8. pub,

9. beer,

10. fight.

Section 19:

2. 1. Generally soft and round.

2. Melts when treated properly.

3. Violent when left alone.

4. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.

5. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

6. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

7. Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

3. 1-Е, 2-f, 3-d, 4-b, 5-a, 6-c, 7-g.

4. 1-d, 2-o, 3-k, 4-e, 5-b, 6-j, 7-l, 8-a, 9–1, 10-f, 11-c, 12-M, 13-G, 14-P, 15-N, 16-H.

5. 1. Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.

2. Difficult to find a pure sample.

3. Aging samples are unable to conduct electricity.

4. Tends to form strong bonds with itself.

6. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

7. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

8. This element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

6. 1. womanium is boiling at room temperature.

2. It melts if treated properly.

3. Be careful while using Womanium.

4. Absorbing great amounts of food, Womanium tends to put on much weight.

5. The element turning slightly green, is Womanium.

6. Wonanium has dispersed much of my wealth.

7. Probably it's the most powerful income reducing agent known.

8. Manium gets bent out of shape easily.

9. Manium forming strong bonds with Womanium, never decomposes too soon.

Section 20:

2. 1. a woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.

2. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity.

3. I gave a bum five whole dollars.

4. That's a lot of money to give away.

5. He thought it was the proper thing to do.

3. True: 3, 5. False: 1, 2, 4.

4. 1-g, 2-d, 3-h, 4-b, 5-f, 6-a, 7–1, 8-c, 9-e.

5. 1. i feel really good today.

2. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

3. That's a lot of money to just give away.

4. He thought it was the proper thing to do.

5. He said, «Thanks.»

6. demoralize деморализовать

defame обесславливать

discharge разряжать

discomfort причинять неудобство

immature незрелый

disarrange разрушать

impatient нетерпеливый

decode расшифровывать

disadvantage невыгодное положение

improbable невероятный

inappropriate несоответствующий

immobile неподвижный

infrequent нечастый

decompose разлагаться

immortal бессмертный

unable неспособный

unbalanced несбалансированный

degenerate дегенерировать

uncertain неопределенный

unconscious бессознательный

undo уничтожать сделанное

immoral аморальный

disclose раскрывать

discourage обескураживать

inaudible неслышный

incapable неспособный

decompress снижать давление

unfamiliar незнакомый

decolor обесцвечивать

indecision нерешительность

independent независимый

unexpected неожиданный

disbelieve не верить

unload разгружать

disable лишать возможности

deform разрушать форму

ineffective неэффективный

Section 21:

2. 1. A very elderly couple is having dinner.

2. The old man leans forward to his wife.

3. It has always bothered me.

4. Our tenth child never looked like the rest of our children.

5. I want to assure you this has been the most wonderful experience.

6. The wife drops her head, unable to look up.

7. The old man is very shaken.

8. With a tear in his eye he asks, «Who?»

3. 1-d, 2-c, 3-e, 4-a, 5-b.

4. 1-Е, 2-j, 3-b, 4-k, 5–1, 6-c, 7-f, 8-l, 9-d, 10-m, 11-g, 12-H, 13-A.

5. 1. A couple is celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary.

2. Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

3. It has been the most wonderful experience I could have ever had.

4. Your answer cannot take that all away.

5. Did he have a different father?

6. The wife drops her head.

7. She pauses for moment and then confesses.

8. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him hard.

9. Who was the father?

6. 1. The husband was five years older than the wife.

2. It was a most elegant dinner.

3. Our tenth child is much taller than the first one.

4. His brains work better than those of the other children.

5. He is the best in the family.

6. It was the most wonderful experience in my life.

7. He was the least naughty of all the children, when he was small.

8. The tear in the right eye is much bigger that the one in the left eye.

9. You are much more stupid than the father of the rest of the children.

7. 1. A very elderly couple is sitting at a restaurant.

2. The old man says softly to his wife, «Dear, take some of this salad.»

3. Our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

4. These years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for.

5. She is unable to look her husband in the eye.

6. The wife paused for a moment and then confessed.

7. The old man is very shaken by the reality of what his wife admitted.

8. With a tear in his eye he asks, «Who?»

9. She said nothing at first, and then she told the truth to her husband.

8. 1. elegant, 2. bother, 3. shake, 4. property, 5. precious, 6. wealth, 7. dense, 8. sample, 9. decompose, 10. income.