Текст книги "Отпустить бывшего: навыки когнитивно-поведенческой терапии для исцеления после расставания и преодоления любовной зависимости. Любовь, перезагрузка: Что делать, когда отношения закончились"

Окунитесь в этот мир с состраданием и относитесь уважительно к другим людям, даже если они невежливы – не потому, что они заслуживают уважения, а потому, что вы стараетесь быть лучшей версией себя, невзирая на окружающих. Выбирайте мудрость и личностный рост, а не обиду, даже если у вас есть разумная причина быть обиженным и оскорбленным. Не позволяйте расставанию помешать вам снова найти любовь, когда вы будете к ней готовы. И всегда помните основную Истину: вы ценны сами по себе, с другим человеком или без него.

Рекомендуемая литература и источники

Вот некоторые полезные источники, которые помогут вам на пути к исцелению:

• Развитие здоровых отношений: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené Brown (2012); Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perel (2017)

• Созависимость: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, 2nd ed., Melody Beattie (2022); Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, and How It Sabotages Our Lives, Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller и J. Keith Miller (2003)

• Любовная зависимость: Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, Helen Fisher (2016); Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love, Lisa Marie Bobby (2015); Co-Dependents Anonymous (https://coda.org)

• Духовные или религиозные поиски: There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, Wayne Dyer (2003); Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential, Caroine Myss (2003)

• Ранний детский опыт и модели привязанности: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, Amir Levine и Rachel Heller (2012)

• Укрепление самооценки и самоэффективности: Ten Days to Self-Esteem, David Burns (1993); The Feeling Good Handbook, David Burns (1999)

• Преодоление других психических расстройств (к примеру, тревоги и депрессии): The CBT Toolbox, 2nd ed., Jeff Riggenback (2021); The Negative Thoughts Workbook: CBT Skills to Overcome the Repetitive Worry Shame, and Rumination That Drive Anxiety and Depression, David Clark (2020)

• Определение смысла жизни и цели: Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy, Viktor Frankl (1962)

• Практика прощения: Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, Robert Enright (2001)

Библиография

Ainsworth, M. S. 1989. «Attachments Beyond Infancy.» American Psychologist 44: 709–16.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 2003. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

American Psychological Association. 2002. Developing Adolescents: A Reference for Professionals. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/pi/families/ resources/develop. pdf

Anda, R. F., V. J. Felitti, J. D. Bremner, J. D. Walker, C. Whitfield, B. D. Perry, S. R. Dube, and W. H. Giles. 2006. «The Enduring Effects of Abuse and Related Adverse Experiences in Childhood: A Convergence of Evidence from Neurobiology and Epidemiology.» European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience 256: 174–86.

Asensio, S., V. Hernández-Rabaza, and J. V. Orón Semper. 2020. «What Is the Trigger’ of Addiction?» Frontiers of Behavioral Neuroscience 14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2020.00054.

Ashe, M. L, M. G. Newman, and S. J. Wilson. 2015. «Delay Discounting and the Use of Mindful Attention Versus Distraction in the Treatment of Drug Addiction: A Conceptual Review.» Journal of Experimental Analysis of Behavior 103: 234–48.

Bakhshani, N. M. 2014. «Impulsivity: A Predisposition Toward Risky Behaviors.» International Journal of High Risk Behaviors and Addiction 3: e20428. https://doi.org/10.5812/ijhrba.20428.

Bandura, A. 1977. Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Barutcu, K. F., and Y. C. Aydin. 2013. «The Scale for Emotional Reactions Following the Breakup.» Procedia-Social and Behavioral Sciences 84: 786–90.

Baumeister, R. F., S. R. Wotman, and A. M. Stillwell. 1993. «Unrequited Love: On Heartbreak, Anger, Guilt, Scriptlessness, and Humiliation.» Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 64: 377–94.

Beck, A. T. 1976. Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: International Universities Press.

Beck, A. T, A. J. Rush, B. F. Shaw, and G. Emery. 1979. Cognitive Therapy of Depression. New York: Guilford Press.

Beck, J. S. 2021. Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. 3rd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Blum, K., A. L. C. Chen, J. Giordano J. Borsten, T. J. H. Chen, M. Hauser, T. Simpatico, J. Femino, E. R. Braverman, and D. Barh. 2012. «The Addictive Brain: All Roads Lead to Dopamine.» Journal of Psychoactive Drugs 44: 134–43.

Bobby, L. M. 2015. Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love. New York: Sterling.

Bowlby, J. 1971. Attachment: Attachment and Loss. New York: Penguin Books.

Bretherton, I. 1992. «The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.» Developmental Psychology 28: 759– 75.

Chrystal, M., J. A. Karl, and R. Fischer. 2019. «The Complexities of ‘Minding the Gap’: Perceived Discrepancies Between Values and Behavior Affect Well-Being.» Frontiers in Psychology 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00736.

Clark, D. A. 2020. The Negative Thoughts Workbook: CBT Skills to Overcome the Repetitive Worry, Shame, and Rumination That Drive Anxiety and Depression. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Cloud, H., and J. S. Townsend. 2000. Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Cloud, H., and J. S. Townsend. 2017. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Costa, S., N. Barberis, M. D. Griffiths, L. Benedetto, and M. Ingrassia. 2019. «The Love Addiction Inventory: Preliminary Findings of the Development Process and Psychometric Characteristics.» International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction 19: 651–68.

Davis, M., E. R. Eshelman, and M. McKay. 1988. The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook. 3rd ed. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Earp, B. D., O. A. Wudarczyk, B. Foddy, and J. Savulescu. 2017. «Addicted to Love: What Is Love Addiction and When Should It Be Treated?» Philosophy, Psychiatry, and Psychology 24: 77– 92.

Ellis, A., and R. A. Harper. 1997. A Guide to Rational Living. 3rd ed. Woodland Hills, CA: Melvin Powers Wilshire Book Company.

Enright, R. D. 2001. Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Field, T. 2017. «Romantic Breakup Distress, Betrayal and Heartbreak: A Review.» International Journal of Behavioral Research and Psychology 5: 217–25.

Field, T., M. Diego, M. Pelaez, O. Deeds, and J. Delgado. 2011. «Breakup Distress in University Students: A Review.» College Student Journal 45: 461–80.

Filbey, F. M. 2019. The Neuroscience of Addiction. UK: Cambridge University Press.

Fisher, H. E. 2004. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York: Henry Holt.

Fisher, H. E. 2016. Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. Rev. and upd. ed. New York: W. W. Norton.

Fisher, H. E., A. Aron, and L. L. Brown. 2005. «Romantic Love: An fMRI Study of a Neural Mechanism for Mate Choice.» Journal of Comparative Neurology 493: 58–62.

Fisher, H. E., A. Aron, D. Mashek, H. Li, and L. L. Brown. 2002. «Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment.» Archives of Sexual Behavior 31: 413–19.

Fisher, H. E., X. Xu, A. Aron, and L. L. Brown. 2016. «Intense, Passionate, Romantic Love: A Natural Addiction? How the Fields that Investigate Romance and Substance Abuse Can Inform Each Other.» Frontiers in Psychology 7. http://doi.org/10.3389/ fpsyg.2016.00687

Fox, J., and R. S. Tokunaga. 2015. «Romantic Partner Monitor-ng After Breakups: Attachment, Dependence, Distress, and Post-Dissolution Online Surveillance via Social Networking Sites.» Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 18: 491–98.

Francoeur, A., T. Lecomte, I. Daigneault, A. Brassard, V. Lecours, and C. Hache-Labelle. 2020. «Social Cognition as Mediator of Romantic Breakup Adjustment in Young Adults Who Experienced Childhood Maltreatment.» Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma 29: 1125–42.

Frankl, V. 1962. Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy. Rev. and enl. ed. Boston: Beacon Press.

Freud, A. 1937. The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense. London: Hogarth Press.

Freud, S. (1894) 2013. The Neuro-Psychoses of Defence. N. p.: Read Books, Ltd.

Grant J. E., M. N. Potenza, A. Weinstein, and D. A. Gorelick. 2010. «Introduction to Behavioral Addictions.» American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse 36: 233 –41.

Halpern-Meekin S., W. D. Manning, P. C. Giordano, and M. A. Longmore. 2013. «Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/Off Relationships and Sex with an Ex.» Journal of Adolescent Research 28: 166–88.

Harandi, T. F., M. M. Taghinasab, and T. D. Nayeri. 2017. «The Correlation of Social Support with Mental Health: A Meta-Analysis.» Electron Physician 9: 5212 –22.

Harlow, H. F. 1958. «The Nature of Love.» American Psychologist 13: 673– 85.

Hayes. S. C., K. D. Strosahl, and K. G. Wilson. 2012. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Hazan, C., and P. R. Shafer. 1987. «Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process.» Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52: 511– 41.

Heshmati, R., M. Zemestani, and A. Vujanovic. 2021. «Associations of Childhood Maltreament and Attachment Styles with Romantic Breakup Grief Severity: The Role of Emotional Suppression.» Journal of Interpersonal Violence 37. https://doi.org/ 10.1177 %2F0886260521997438

Hofmann, S. G., A. Asnaani, I. J. J. Vonk, A. T. Sawyer, and A. Fang. 2012. «The Efficacy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A Review of Meta-Analyses.» Cognitive Therapy and Research 36: 427– 40.

Hughes, K., M. A. Bellis, K. A. Hardcastle, D. Sethi, A. Butchart, C. Mikton, L. Jones, and M. P. Dunne. 2017. «The Effect of Multiple

Adverse Childhood Experiences on Health: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis.» Lancet Public Health 2: e356-366. http://doi.org/10.1016/S2468-2667(17)30118–4

Jonason, P. K., J. R. Garcia, G. D. Webster, N. P. Li, and H. E. Fisher. 2015. «Relationship Dealbreakers: Traits People Avoid in Potential Mates.» Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 41. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215609064

Kail, R. V., and J. C. Cavanaugh. 2010. Human Development: A Life-Span View. 5th ed. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.

Kansky, J., and J. P. Allen. 2018. «Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups.» Emerging Adulthood 6: 172– 90.

Kesberg, R., and J. Keller. 2018. «The Relation Between Human Values and Perceived Situation Characteristics in Everyday Life.» Frontiers in Psychology 9. http://doi.org/10.3389/ fpsyg.2018.01676

Kim, H. S., D. C. Hodgins, B. Kim, and T. C. Wild. 2020. «Transdiagnostic or Disorder Specific? Indicators of Substance and Behavioral Addictions Nominated by People with Lived Experience.» Journal of Clinical Medicine 9. https://doi.org/10.3390/ jcm9020334

Kirouac, M., and K. Witkiewitz. 2017. «Identifying ‘Hitting Bottom’ Among Individuals with Alcohol Problems: Development and Evaluation of the Noteworthy Aspects of Drinking Important to Recovery (NADIR).» Substance Use and Misuse 52: 1602–15.

Koob, G. F., and N. D. Volkow. 2010. «Neurocircuitry of Addiction.» Neuropsychopharmacology 35: 217–38.

Kwako, L. E., and G. F. Koob. 2017. «Neuroclinical Framework for the Role of Stress in Addiction.» Chronic Stress 1. https://doi.org/10.1177/2470547017698140

Kübler-Ross, E. 2014. On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. 50th anniv. ed. New York: Scribner.

Lepore, S. J., and M. A. Greenberg. 2002. «Mending Broken Hearts: Effects of Expressive Writing on Mood, Cognitive Processing, Social Adjustment, and Health Following a Relationship Breakup.» Psychology and Health 17: 547– 60.

Levine, A., and R. S. F. Heller. 2012. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.

Linehan, M. M. 2014. DBT Skills Training Manual. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.

Luigjes, J., V. Lorenzetti, S. de Haan, G. J. Youssef, C. Murawski, Z. Sjoerds, W. van den Brink, D. Denys, L. F. Fontenelle, and M. Yücel. 2019. «Defining Compulsive Behavior.» Neuropsychological Review 29: 4–13.

Marshall, T. C. 2012. «Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with Postbreakup Recovery and Personal Growth.» Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 15: 521–26.

Marwood, L, T. Wise, A. M. Perkins, and A. J. Cleare. 2018. «Meta-Analyses of the Neural Mechanisms and Predictors of Response to Psychotherapy in Depression and Anxiety.» Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews 95: 61–72.

Melemis, S. M. 2015. «Relapse Prevention and the Five Rules of Recovery.» Yale Journal of Biological Medicine 88: 325–32.

Mellody, P., A. W. Miller, and J. K. Miller. 2003. Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. New York: HarperOne.

Miller, W. R., ed. 1999. Integrating Spirituality into Treatment: Resources for Practitioners. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Myss, C. 2008. Entering the Castle: Finding the Inner Path to God and Your Soul’s Purpose. New York: Free Press.

National Institute on Drug Abuse. 2019. Genetics and Epigenetics of Addiction DrugFacts. https://nida. nih. gov/publications/drugfacts/genetics-epigenetics-addiction.

National Institute on Drug Abuse. 2020. Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction. https://nida. nih. gov/sites/default/files/soa. pdf.

Norcross, J. C, P. M. Krebs, and J. O. Prochaska. 2011. «Stages of Change.» Journal of Clinical Psychology 67: 143– 54.

O’Sullivan, L F., K. Hugest, F. Talbot, and R. Fuller. 2019. «Plenty of Fish in the Ocean: How do Traits Reflecting Resiliency Moderate Adjustment After Experiencing a Romantic Breakup in Emerging Adulthood?» Journal of Youth and Adolescence 48: 949– 62.

Oyserman, D. 2015. «Psychology of Values.» In International Encyclopedia of the Social and Behavioral Sciences, 2nd ed., vol. 25, ed. by J. D. Wright. Oxford: Elsevier.

Peele, S., and A. Brodsky. 1975. Love and Addiction. New York: Taplinger.

Perilloux, C, and D. M. Buss. 2008. «Breaking Up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed.» Evolutionary Psychology 6: 164–81.

Ponizovskiy, V., L. Grigoryan, U. Kühnen, and K. Boehnke. 2019. «Social Construction of the Value-Behavior Relation.» Frontiers in Psychology 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/ fpsyg.2019.00934

Primeau J. E., H. L Servaty-Seib, and D. Enersen. 2013. «Type of Writing Task and College Students’ Meaning Making Following a Romantic Breakup.» Journal of College Counseling 16: 32–48.

Regan, P. C, S. Lakhanpal, and C. Anguiano. 2012. «Relationship Outcomes in Indian-American Love-Based and Arranged Marriages.» Psychological Reports 110: 915– 24.

Reimer, J. E., and A. R. Estrada. 2021. «College Students’ Grief over a Breakup.» Journal of Loss and Trauma 26: 179–91.

Reynaud, M., L. Karila, L. Blecha, and A. Benyamina. 2010. «Is Love Passion an Addictive Disorder?» American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse 35: 261–67.

Roberts, K. A. 2002. «Stalking Following the Breakup of Romantic Relationships: Characteristics of Stalking Former Partners.» Journal of Forensic Sciences 47: 1070–77.

Rokeach, M. 1973. The Nature of Human Values. New York: Free Press.

Sanches, M., and V. P. John. 2019. «Treatment of Love Addiction: Current Status and Perspectives.» European Journal of Psychiatry 33: 38–44.

Schwartz, S. H. 1992. «Universals in the Content and Structure of Values: Theoretical Advances and Empirical Tests in 2 °Countries.» In Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, vol. 25, ed. by M. P. Zanna. London: Academic Press.

Skinner, B. F. 1974. About Behaviorism. New York: Knopf.

Starcke, K., S. Antons, P. Trotzke, and M. Brand. 2018. «Cue-Reactivity in Behavioral Addiction: A Meta-Analysis and Methodological Considerations.» Journal of Behavioral Addictions 7: 227– 38.

Sue, D. W., and D. Sue. 2012. Counseling the Culturally Diverse: Theory and Practice. 6th ed. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley and Sons.

Sussman, S. 2010. «Love Addiction: Definition, Etiology, Treatment.» Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 17: 31– 45.

Sussman, S., N. Lisha, and M. Griffiths. 2011. «Prevalence of the Addictions: A Problem of the Majority or the Minority?» Evaluation and the Health Professions 34: 3–56.

Tobore, T. O. 2020. «Towards a Comprehensive Theory of Love: The Quadruple Theory.» Frontiers in Psychology 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00862

Tolin, D. F. 2016. Doing CBT: A Comprehensive Guide to Working with Behaviors, Thoughts, and Emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

Uckelstam, C.-J., B. Philips, R. Holmqvist, and F. Falkenström. 2019. «Prediction of Treatment Outcome in Psychotherapy by Client Initial Symptom Distress Profiles.» Journal of Counseling Psychology 66: 736–46.

Van der Watt, A. S. J., A. Roos, S. du Plessis, E. Bui, E. Lesch, and S. Seedat. 2021. «An Attachment Theory Approach to Reframing Romantic Relationship Breakups in University Students: A Narrative Review of Attachment, Neura Circuitry, and Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms.» Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy 21. https://doi.org/10.1080/ 15332691.2021.1908197

Von Hammerstein, C., A. Cornil, S. Rothen, L. Romo, Y. Khazaal, A. Benyamina, J. Billieux, and A. Luquiens. 2020. «Psychometric Properties of the Transaddiction Craving Triggers Questionnaire in Alcohol Use Disorder.» International Journal of Methods in Psychiatric Research 29: e1815. https://doi.org/10.1002/mpr.1815

Warren, C. S., and L. M. Akoury. 2020. «Emphasizing the ‘Cultural’ in Sociocultural: A Systematic Review of Research on Thin-Ideal Internalization, Acculturation, and Eating Pathology in US Ethnic Minorities.» Psychology Research and Behavior Management 13: 319– 30.

Yalom, I. D. 1980. Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.

Young, E. S., J. S. Klosko, and M. E. Weishaar. 2003. Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. New York: Guilford Press.

Young, E. S. J. A., Simpson, V Griskevicius, C. O. Huelsnitz, and C. Fleck. 2019. «Childhood Attachment and Adult Personality: A Life History Perspective.» Self and Identity 18: 22–38.

Zarate, D., M. Ball, C. Montag, M. Prokofieva, and V. Stavropoulos. 2022. «Unravelling the Web of Addictions: A Network Analysis Approach.» Addictive Behaviors Reports 15:100406. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.abrep.2022.100406

Об авторе

Кортни Содерлинд Уоррен, PhD, Американский совет профессиональной психологии – сертифицированный клинический психолог и бывший штатный адъюнкт-профессор Университета Невада в Лас-Вегасе. Уоррен получила многочисленные награды за проведенные исследования и является экспертом в области лечения зависимостей, расстройств пищевого поведения, самообмана и практики психотерапии с кросс-культурной точки зрения.

Также Уоррен – спикер, автор и личностный тренер, стремящийся донести психологические навыки и техники до широкой публики. Она получила докторскую степень в Университете Техаса после завершения клинической интернатуры в больнице Маклина Гарвардской медицинской школы в 2006 году.

Автор предисловия – Антонио Сепеда-Бенито, PhD. Опубликовал множество научных работ, получил несколько наград, изучает бихевиоральную нейронауку и клиническую психологию. Его исследования наркотической зависимости и расстройств пищевого поведения с кросс-культурной точки зрения были поддержаны грантами Национального института наркомании, Департаментом здравоохранения штата Техас и Министерством науки и инноваций Испании. В 2009 году журнал Hispanic Business Magazine включил его в список «Топ-100 самых влиятельных латиноамериканцев».